Showing posts with label beer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label beer. Show all posts

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

On Redheads, Cycling And The Welsh: The Carlo And Leslie ASIO File Part 2


Yes it is what you have ALL been waiting for, without consciously knowing you were -- I have received the SECOND installment of my ASIO files, which I dutifully publish below, believing, as I do, in the principle of full transparency.

You should read the FIRST post on this, otherwise you simply won't have any clue what is going on. It follows directly on and it seems to me these security pricks have some sort of fetish with recording me in a pub with a bastard called "Leslie". Christ only knows why.

* * *


A pub.

[10.12AM, TUESDAY [DATE REDACTED] CARLO ARRIVES AGAIN AT THE [REDACTED] HOTEL JUST AFTER OPENING AND SITS WITH LESLIE AND STARTS DRINKING.]

CARLO: [sighs] Jesus.

LESLIE: Legal system bringing you down?

CARLO: Did you know they make you wear pants in court?

LESLIE: So I hear.

CARLO: Fucking fascism.

LESLIE: Your court case. It’s not the “killing redheads” thing again is it?

CARLO: Oh, no.

LESLIE: Coz they can’t usually survive in the environs north of Melbourne any way. And those redheads that do make it to adulthood have to stay indoors and move about through sewers.

CARLO: Sure that’s not vampires?

LESLIE: No, they are similar only vampires are more fundamentally moral. I should know, my own brother is beset with the redhead malady so I’ve always had to stay sharp and keep on top of their behaviours.

CARLO: YOU’RE RELATED TO ONE???

LESLIE: Yeah. So there's the whole thing where I carry the abomination in my blood too, but refuse to succumb. Like Blade.

CARLO: That’s some heavy shit, man. It’s such a controversial topic. Did you know some people actually consider it racist to kill a redhead?

LESLIE: That’s political correctness gone mad.

CARLO: I won't even kill them these days. It’s an OHS thing. You get all that infected blood on you and it takes forever to scrub off. It’s not like normal blood, it clings to the skin, like a worse-smalling napalm. I tell local councils they gotta do their own cleansing operations.

LESLIE: Fair enough too. Shit, what’s the time? I gotta get home to watch the Tour de France.

CARLO: The WHAT???

LESLIE: The cycling.

[pause]

CARLO: I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO NEVER MENTION THAT TWO-WHEELED DEVIL SPORT EVER AGAIN!

LESLIE: Yeah but that’s only coz you still can’t do it.

CARLO: I TOOK ALL THE SAME DRUGS AS LANCE ARMSTRONG! ALL THAT HAPPENED WAS I FELL OFF MY BIKE!

LESLIE: You shouldn’t have mixed it with all that red wine.

CARLO: That is where I usually go wrong with drugs. The point is WHERE IS MY BEER? YESTERDAY YOU PROMISED ME A FUCKING BEER!

LESLIE: Yeah, but ... the thing is..

CARLO: WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?

LESLIE: I’m broke. I can’t afford beer. I just said that to shut you up. Now I really gotta get home for the cycling...

CARLO: THIS IS JUST LIKE THE SIEGE OF TROY ALL OVER AGAIN!!!

LESLIE: No, come on … the siege of Troy is a very sensitive issue for me.

CARLO: Oh “come on Carlo, go invade Troy!” you said. “There is this girl named Helen held captive and she is the most beautiful woman ever,” you said. “I swear she's the one! Please Carlo, go and liberate her and I’ll BUY YOU A BEER!” you said. DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO BUILD THAT GIANT WOODEN HORSE!

LESLIE: Yeah well, I couldn’t have known she’d go running back to Menelaus. Never seemed a happy marriage. Still, it really didn’t help that the few times I got Helen alone, you invariably burst in shouting “where is my fucking beer!”

CARLO: What a great question! WHERE IS MY FUCKING BEER, RICHMOND?!

LESLIE: I was depressed by the Helen thing! It was a hard time for me! I dedicated myself to wearing black and listening to The Smiths, but black wasn't in fashion and The Smiths weren’t invented until 1983. It was a really hard few thousand years.

CARLO: WHERE. THE FUCK. IS. MY. BEER.

LESLIE: I can’t afford it.

CARLO: YOU LIED TO ME AGAIN!

LESLIE: How about tomorrow?

CARLO: Tomorrow?

LESLIE: Yeah, meet me here tomorrow and I’ll definitely buy you a beer.

CARLO: You’ll DEFINITELY buy me a beer tomorrow?

LESLIE: Absolutely. I'm off to watch the cycling. You coming?

CARLO: No, I think I’ll stay here, wait till that bastard at the next table turns his back, then nick his beer.

[LESLIE LEAVES. CARLO SPENDS THE REST OF THE DAY STEALING OTHER PEOPLE’S BEERS WHEN THEY ARE NOT LOOKING AND EVENTUALLY GETS THROWN OUT FOR A DRUNKEN RENDITION OF “DIRTY OLD TOWN”.]




'I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour...' He's singin' Leslie's song. STAY TUNED FOR MORE!

The Carlo and Leslie Dialogues: ASIO Transcripts Part 1

Now, everyone knows I'm a pretty important guy. Few things happen in the world of politics, high finance or pub trivia without Carlo Sands being consulted. So it struck me there could be no doubt those Pricks Who Govern Us would be monitoring my every move.

I've been thinking for some time of finally writing my much-anticipated memoirs, but then I figured… that’s a lot of work, why not just publish what these pricks have already recorded? And so I sent away for my ASIO file and received the answer: “TOP SECRET HIGHLY CLASSIFIED UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES TO BE RELEASED.”

This was perhaps to be expected, so I sent a text to an “associate” of mine who happens to hold a certain high up position within the Australian intelligence establishment in order to remind him of certain… favours I happen to render our American allies in 1971 in Laos during the Indochina war that should they… emerge... could prove a little unfortunate for more than one high profile figures in several countries.

The first installment of my files arrived in my inbox within the hour.

I poured over it and was a little stunned to discover it appears to consist of transcribed recordings of me in a pub… with the cad Leslie! Now the pub is unsurprising, but Leslie of all people? After what that cad did?

I guess they record everything and so this rare and bizarre occurrence got picked up with all the important things I do, which future files will no doubt reveal.

I was a bit disappointed, but as the alternative was to sit down and write my own fucking story myself, I have decided to publish the transcripts. This is the first of five installments. STAY TUNED FOR MORE! OR DON'T! I DON'T GIVE A FUCK I AM TOO IMPORTANT TO CARE!

* * *



A pub.
div>
[10:05AM, MONDAY [DATE REDACTED], TARGET CARLO SANDS MEETS TARGET LESLIE RICHMOND AT THE [REDACTED] HOTEL AT OPENING TIME. THEY START DRINKING BEER.]

CARLO: You know what?

LESLIE: What?

CARLO: I like beer.

LESLIE: You are a big fan of beer.

CARLO: But there's times when I think about ALL the beer I’ve drunk over all those years...

LESLIE: All throughout history.

CARLO: Over many millennia… and I think that if I had all that money I spent on all that beer … just imagine how much beer I could buy!

LESLIE: Quite a lot, definitely. Even taking into account inflation and rises in alcohol taxes, that's still a large amount of beer you could purchase.

CARLO: A fucking shitload.

LESLIE: It's the sort of figure that puts the otherwise disturbing global debt figures into context, for sure.

CARLO: I’d be set for years!

LESLIE: You could finally stop harassing other people to buy you beer all the time.

CARLO: Oh no! Just coz I’d be rich would be no reason to give up my favourite pastime!

LESLIE: It's caused you problems, though. Remember when you kept badgering Genghis Khan to buy you a beer? I don’t mind running, but an enraged Mongol horde gets up quite a head of speed.

CARLO: The man had no vision! I tried to tell him! All of this conquering and subjugating and establishing the largest contiguous land empire in human history stretching right across Asia into Central Europe, that’s one thing! But you want to think big! “Genghis,” I said, “you wanna invade and subjugate New Zealand! In about 800 years, they’ll make the Lord of the Rings films there and just think how rich you'll be with the royalties!”

LESLIE: He just kept repeating, “what’s New Zealand?” He never understood your strategic genius.

CARLO: AND THE BASTARD NEVER BOUGHT ME A FUCKING BEER!

LESLIE: In his defence, he also repeatedly said “what the hell is a pint of Guinness”?

CARLO: A MAN CAN NOT LIVE ON FERMENTED HORSE’S MILK ALONE! Now it has all come flooding back. Jesus. My machete-wielding arm is twitching. LET’S INVADE CENTRAL EUROPE!

LESLIE: No, come on. Not after the last disaster. Have another beer. You like beer.

CARLO: Yeah. Beer's nice.

LESLIE: Yeah. Have another.

CARLO: Yeah. So... can you buy me a beer?

LESLIE: [sigh] Why don’t you just do what you normally do? Wait till the guy at the next table turns his back, then nick his?

CARLO: It’s such a hassle! The bastards complain and there’s an argument and I have to get my machete out and then there’s a body to dispose of and it’s no longer in just one easy-to-move part, and I hate to piss off bartenders so JUST BUY ME A BEER, YOU BASTARD!

LESLIE: Ok. Look. I’ll buy you a beer, just promise we’ll definitely stay out of Central Europe?

CARLO: Well, ok, if you’ll buy me a … [Phone rings] Hang on. [Answers] Hello? WHAT THE FUCK? GO SCREW YOURSELF YOU USELESS MAGGOT-RIDDEN PILE OF FERMENTED RHINO SHIT! I’LL CHOP YOU INTO A THOUSAND PIECES AND FEED YOU TO YOUR OWN PRIZED COLLECTION OF RARE, ENDANGERED SPOTTED BUG-EYED PIRANHAS! What? Yep. Yeah, sure thing. No worries. Cool. I’ll see you there.

LESLIE: Who’s that?

CARLO: My lawyer. Reminding me I am due in court. I better get going … I have to find some rich guy and steal his suit.

[REST OF FILE REDACTED]




'I like drinking on a Monday morning...' STAY TUNED FOR MORE!

Monday, June 06, 2011

More terrible booze news

I don't know if it is true this world is going to Hell in a hand basket. I don't know what means are being used, exactly, to carry this goddamn fucking world into the fire-ridden pits of Hell.

It strikes me, however, that a hand basket would be impractical. Unless it was a really FUCKING BIG hand basket.

And that raises the obvious question of where a hand basket big enough for all the shit going to Hell could possibly be found.

And, if it is a really fucking huge hand basket, is it fair trade? Cos that sounds like a lot of starving African villagers, whose nations have been raped by the IMF, working some pretty fucking long hours.

I suspect it is more likely to be New South Wales' CityRail that is responsible for the travel arrangements, which would explain the overcrowding and delays.

Let us review the evidence, and it really is not very good.

More bad news on climate change with a fresh study showing carbon emissions higher than 2008, the previous record high.

The horrific slaughter of Afghans by their civilised occupiers bringing democracy continues -- as does the persecution of those seeking to expose the war crimes.

And as if that was not enough bad news, latest figures show -- and tears are streaming down my face as I type this -- that beer consumption is down in Australia.

Yes, beer consumption is at a 62-year low in this country. The last time less beer was consumed in Australia, the prime minister was Ben Chifley and he hadn't even gotten round to smashing the miners' strike by bringing the fucking army into the coal fields.

That year was 1947 and the country suffered post-war scarcity issues.

The average consumption per person of beer over 2009-10 was a mere 4.56 litres of pure alcohol coming from beer!

I mean, 4.5 litres??? That is just 12 stubbies of pure alcohol -- or a mere *handful* of decent nights out.

This demoralising statistic is utterly pathetic and embarrassing. To give a sense of how far we have fallen as a nation, in 1974-75, the figure was 9.2 litres per person.

And what is the government doing to reverse this trend? Where is the stimulus package providing incentives to average citizens it increase their consumption?

At the very least, if they are too tight for that, where is the fucking public awareness campaign?





An example of the type of badly needed public awareness campaign to reverse the frightening drop in beer consumption that this government refuses to invest in.


No. The government is moving in the *exact opposite* direction.

You see, in these depressing stats, I was pleased to note *one* area of improvement.

Wine consumption is up -- to a record 3.8 litres of alcohol from wine per person for 2009-10.

Well, more fucking fool me for trying to find a bright spot.

It seems our benighted government -- which seems on a crusade to make alcohol consumption as difficult as fucking possible for its citizens -- also took note of the same statistic.

Their response was reported in the media today. And, even given the crypto-prohibitionist moves this government has already implemented, it is shocking.

The government is seriously considering a proposal that could see the price of cask wine quadruple.

Yes, they want to dramatically raise the price of goon. They want to end this country's proud tradition whereby every citizen has the *goddamn right* to cheap wine!

From the four litre casks of Morris Dry Red to your more fancy two litre casks of Yaaumba Reserve Cabernet Shiraz for the more discerning customer, you can get your goon in bottlos across the country for, if not a tenner, then a twenty with a fair chunk of change.

But for how much longer?

Federal health minister Nicola Roxon has agreed to the development of the concept of introducing a legally binding "floor price" per standard drink.

At the moment, the price per standard drink is about $1.20 for beer, but only about $0.30 for goon.

No wonder beer consumption is down and wine is up.

But rather than doing the fucking obvious and *lowering* the price of beer, they wish to *raise* it for wine to the level of our overpriced beer.

And this godforsaken nation already some of the highest prices for alcohol in the world!

What the fuck are teenagers going to drink? What are impoverished uni students going to do? Or workers who just want something plentiful to put in their glass at the end of a shit day?

Will anyone ever make up a huge saucepan full of mulled wine at a party in this country ever again?




A thing of the past for all but the rich? The 'goonbag on the washing line' was one of Australia's few proud traditions.


You can forget Islamic fundamentalists and "illegal immigrants", this is the greatest threat to our way of life since this *same fucking government* declared four standards drinks to be binge drinking.

And that wasn't even a fucking law -- just the propaganda campaign to set the groundwork for shit like this!

The inventor of the goonbag, South Australian grape grower Thomas Angrove who died aged 92 just last year, must be be doing pirouettes in his grave.

(Our greatest-ever inventor and he didn't even score a knighthood -- which is just another reason in favour of becoming a republic.)

Let us look at the justification for this horrific idea.

Dr John Boffa said the government should not wait for a review but implement the plan now. He said: "We can cut self-harm, cut suicides and cut homicides by doing it now."

Really? Coz this proposal certainly makes this blogger vacillate between suicidal and homicidal tendencies.

Dr Boffa piles insult upon insult, being quoted as saying: "What would change is the price of awful cask wine that no one other than young people and heavy drinkers go near."

It is hard to know where to start, but let us unpack everything wrong with this statement.

First, what an elitist and judgmental fucker.

Awful??? Different drinkers like different things. Some quite like the bouquet on a cask of goon.

Second, what the *fuck* does he expect this nation's teenagers to drink?

They have to drink something or how will they learn alcohol's joys? For christ's sake, WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE KIDS?

And I want to say to Dr John Boffa: "YOU USELESS GODDAMN FUCKING HYPOCRITE!"

He grew up with cheap goon to get pissed on and now he wants to deny a new generation the same privilege!

And I will bet what is left of my liver that, somewhere in the world, there's a photo of a passed out 15-year-old John Boffa in a park with goon bag for a pillow.

Nicola Fucking Roxon is probably in the same photo passed out next to him

And third: "...and heavy drinkers".

C'mon John, why not be more precise and say, "and heavy drinkers TOO POOR TO BUY MORE EXPENSIVE BOOZE".

You know, unlike politicians who are famous as one of the biggest-drinking sectors of society -- but on the expensive shit they pay for with OUR FUCKING TAX DOLLARS!

So, the plan seems to be that now only the better off in this society get to destroy themselves at their pleasure in order to numb the pain of existence in this hellhole they have the gall to call a society.

Sure, the better-off like to get wasted, and who can blame them? But they have less of a *driving need* to kill the pain than others.

And so the cruel irony of this plan is it makes it much harder for those that really *need* a decent drink to actually get it.

I mean what sort of society do we actually in live here?

Well, this lovely country is one in which the government moves quickly, in response to public outcry following a devastating expose on a current affairs show, to take action against the horrific conditions in which cows are exported from Australia and slaughtered in Indonesia.

Of course, the treatment of the cows is not particularly pleasant. But this is *the same government* that keeps human beings imprisoned *indefinitely* in horrific conditions, without being charged let alone tried of any crime, in what are little more than concentration camps in which incidents of self harm occur daily.

Some of them, they even seek to deport back to Afghanistan to risk being slaughtered in ways no nicer than the cows -- a country declared "safe" by the government despite the ceaseless atrocities committed by the occupying forces, of which the Australian military is part.

Others locked up despite committing no crime are to be sent to Malaysia.

This is a nation that has never even signed the international convention on the rights of refugees, so as not to even bother with the hassle of violating it.

A nation in which refugees, like those our government is going to hand over, face horrific torture -- including regular incidents of caning so severe that it rips away the victims flesh.

This form of torture, according to Amnesty International, was meted out in Malaysia to 34,923 foreigners between 2002-08.

But the victims of such treatment are not cows -- they are only FUCKING HUMANS who happen to be FUCKING POOR AND DESPERATE. So FUCK THEM!

This is also a country in which we are subjected to governments that like to hand down budgets that kick the poorest and most vulnerable, such as the disabled, single parents and the long-term unemployed.

But a country that *also* has shock jocks and tabloid press that scream bloody murder about the same budget for supposed brutal attacks on those who earn 150 grand a fucking year -- who, we are assured, are most certainly NOT rich.

*This* is the country we live in and they think we DON'T NEED A FUCKING DRINK???




"Mummy, what's cheap wine?" will soon be the question asked in cars all over the country when the "classic rock" stations play this song by Australia's most famous pub rock band. That is assuming our government doesn't ban the song for "encouraging an unhealthy culture of binge drinking".

Do you wish to help resist? You can donate to the Carlo Sands Fighting Fund to help take on the crypto-prohibitionists, by helping ensure I can stay drunk enough to write this shit, via the PayPal button conveniently provided on the righthand column.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Why does Kevin Rudd hate us so much?

On February 9, King of Australia Kevin Rudd told a room full of teenagers at a special “question and answer” session on ABC TV that he supported raising the legal drinking age in Australia from 18 to 21.

Apparently, the Q&A didn't go too well.

This was not just a slip of the tongue or the ravings of one particularly mad wowser. Rudd’s government has been beating this drum since it took power in late ’07. Ironically, the youth vote was decisive to Rudd’s victory over his arch-conservative opponent.

Barely had Rudd assumed the crown when the royal decree came down: four *standard* drinks is “binge drinking”. (Note: that is less than three fucking stubbies).

And “binge drinking”, his government said, is an epidemic among our youth.

(Alas, the stats reveal lower levels of alcohol consumption than in times gone past. But if you wish to define “binge drinking” in such a ridiculous way, you can of course create an “epidemic”.

For instance, it is rumoured that a relatively significant section of today’s youth have at least one cup of coffee or tea on many days. And we all know how damaging caffeine is when used in excess.

All we need is the government memo declaring “excess” to be “more than one cup in a single day” and we can all run around screaming while the media shakes its head and mourns for a lost generation of twitchy caffeine-soaked youth.)

The government has made its anti-booze agenda clear from the start.

Rudd’s latest comments about the drinking age came in the aftermath of certain academics making similar calls picked up by the media.

And it comes in the aftermath of Melbourne's insane and criminal 2am lock-out (you can’t get into a joint to get a fucking drink after 2am!)

And after tax increases on alcohol, with alcopops — the drink of choice for the modern teenager — singled out.

It is obvious this government has a crypto-prohibitionist agenda. This is backed by a media campaign that repeats a simple message in increasingly hysterical tones: “Drinking causes violent crimes!”

And the obvious solution to this modern blight is more and more restrictions on the right to purchase and consume alcohol. Anyone who knows anything knows that if the prohibition of alcohol in the United States from 1920-1933 achieved anything at all, it reduced violent crime.





Al Capone: a personal example of the way in which legal restrictions on alcohol sale and consumption reduced violent crimes in the US during Prohibition.



Treading carefully, Rudd is seeking to extend prohibition piecemeal — starting with 18, 19 and 20-year-olds.

Then, it will be prohibition for all ages after midnight. Then 10pm. Then before 2pm.

Then, happy hour will be banned for “encouraging irresponsible drinking patterns”. It will become illegal for bottlos to offer specials.

Taxes will be ratcheted up dramatically — until prohibition by default is introduced and only Packer heirs can afford a beer after a hard days watching other people making them money.

You may think I am being alarmist. But these are all things that have either happened in milder form or have been floated.

The question is not whether Rudd wants this to happen, but just how much of it he can get away with.

So, Carlo Sands requests his own personal “Q&A” with our beloved monarch. And the question I want answered is this: Why does Emperor Rudd hate us all so much?

What have we ever done to him? I mean, we elected him for fuck’s sake — on the grounds that he might be a dull right-wing conservative with strong technocratic tendencies, but at least he wasn’t a dull right-wing conservative with blatantly fascist tendencies.

And *this* is how he repays us?

It is obvious that Kevin Rudd has a deep loathing for the Australian people, and no doubt humanity.

And the first in his sights are the youth. He must have had a terrible time at school, because his desire to to have his revenge on the current generation of youth seems insatiable.

Why does Kevin Rudd want young people to be miserable?

The stats are in
. A study reveals that the happiest people are those that drink regularly.

Not only did this study reveal that the happiest were those who drink every day, it revealed the most unhappy were those who did not drink at all.

This really shouldn’t be a shock, when you consider the state the world is in, but we live in disturbing times when even the more obvious truths must be repeated and repeated.

So why does our king want those under 21 to be miserable?

It is no secret that depression is a major problem among youth. And the emperor wants to introduce a policy specifically designed to make it worse.

There are even bigger questions. Why does Kevin Rudd not care about the health of our young people?

Everyone knows a major problem for people as they age is the risk of osteoporosis — where bones weaken significantly. And everyone knows a crucial time to deal with this problem, to work at strengthening the bones with needed minerals and vitamins, is while still growing.

No doubt the ages 18-20 are particularly significant.

On the exact same day that Rudd announced his support for raising the drinking age, ABC News broke the story: “New research suggests drinking beer can be good for bones and may help prevent osteoporosis, a condition where bones become thin and weak.

“Scientists from the University of California have found beer is a significant source of dietary silicon, which they say helps build bones.”

So why does Rudd want our youth to have bad bones and potentially develop crippling osteoporosis when they are older?

And there is the terrible blight on society that is heart disease. Hell, we even have a whole week dedicated to the problem — and students are encouraged to educate themselves and raise money in relation to the problem.

And yet, our Dear Leader himself wants to deny our teenagers one of the products scientific research reveals are best for the heart: red wine.

In fact, studies show that, for those with fatty diets, red wine consumption can be extremely beneficial to the health.

And it isn't just the heart.

Cancer is the modern plague — and it could be being made worse by all the health Nazis.

A recent study found that consuming red wine and chocolate helps to fight cancer.

“Cabernet and chocolate are potent medicine for killing cancer, according to research.

“Red grapes and dark chocolate join blueberries, garlic, soy, and teas as ingredients that starve cancer while feeding bodies, Angiogenesis Foundation head William Li told a TED (technology, entertainment design) conference in Long Beach, California.”

For whatever twisted reasons of his own, our prime minister appears to want future generations of the elderly to be tumor-ridden while simultaneously suffering broken bones caused by falling over after having heart attacks.

Is this because no one asked him to join them at the pub for a drink when he was 19?





For reasons of his own, King Rudd wants Australia’s youth to be miserable and beset by poor health in old age.



Or, perhaps, is this some sort of advance-plan cost cutting measure, based on Treasury predictions of an increasingly aging population — an attempt to thin the flock?

Is this some sort of deal with the mafia and biker gangs who have gotten sick of smuggling in ecstasy tablets and crystal meth and want to run moonshine from New Zealand to serve at illegal gambling dens with cool jazz playing and corrupt cops looking the other way for their take?

Has Rudd just seen to many goddamn gangster films?

There are many questions. And President Rudd, Carlo Sands wants answers.




Growing bodies need booze — Rudd's crypto-prohibitionism must be opposed.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Are you drinking with me Jesus?

It seems you can't do anything without some bastard ripping you off.

I wrote a, frankly, quite brilliant poem about drinking with Jesus and demanding he buy me booze, and a good friend has brought to me attention that no sooner do I post it than those motherfuckers Jello Biafra and Mojo Nixon rip me off with their own song about getting pissed by Our Saviour, Jesus Christ.

That said, I wholeheartedly approve of the song. I gave up trying to pick the best lyrics to highlight so here are the lyrics in full:

I saw you sittin' there
I was tryin' not to stare
I wasn't sure if it was you
I didn't know just what to do

Are you drinkin' with me Jesus
I can't see you very clear
Are you drinkin' with me Jesus
Would you buy a friend a beer

As I nestled on my barstool
I felt your warmness within
I looked down at my pants
That wasn't warmness
I wet myself again

Does your head pound, Jesus
As hung over you do rise
How does paradise look, Jesus
Through holy bloodshot eyes

Should we take a cab home Jesus
Shit, man, we can hoof it from here
I know you can walk on the water
But can you walk on this much beer




“How does paradise look, Jesus/Through holy bloodshot eyes” — Only God knows if Jesus will be sober for the Final Battle between Good and Evil.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Buy me a beer, Lord

Anyone who knows me can affirm I am fundamentally a creative, artist creature. The heart of a poet beats deep inside of Carlo Sands.

Long-time readers of this blog will know, this is not the first poem I have chosen to publish — to bare my soul before the world.

I feel the "I WILL KILL YOU NOW FUCK OFF AND GET ME A DRINK — a poem" has never received the critical acclaim it deserves.

It is often said that a true artistic genius has to die before they are recognised. But, as I have aleady explained, I died on October 31, 2008 and I have the Facebook quiz "When will you die" as my death certificate.

Still, I await in vain for the accolades that this epic is overdue.

Not to be deterred by lack of recognition I have faced even in death, I hereby publish a more recent work.

As the few who truly know me can attest, I am also quite spiritual.

All of us have a chance, an opportunity and, some may say, even a duty to develop and nurture our own personal relationship with Jesus Christ, Our Saviour.

I was moved to put down my own thoughts and feelings on the profound relationship I personally enjoy with our Lord Above in the form of a poem.

Plus, I happen to be quite broke right now. We are told that Jesus loves us, and I thought now would be a good time to cash that cheque.

Plus, it's His shout.

* * *

Buy Me a Beer Lord
— a poem by Carlo Sands

Oh, God

Get me a beer, Lord
I've sick of the world
hand me a beer, Lord
coz I've sick of it all

Oh, God

Could you buy me a beer, Lord?
I hate everything
Buy us a beer, Lord
actually, second thoughts, make mine a gin

Oh God

Buy me a beer, Lord
I am hard up right now
Get us a beer while you're there, Lord
anyway, it's your fucking shout

Thank Christ!

Thank you, Lord
for this amber gift
Now with your offering of love,
I'm going to get pissed

Yeah thanks heaps, Lord
for your alcoholic gift
now leave me alone, Lord
so I can get pissed

Monday, November 03, 2008

'Drink motherfucker, drink!'; or an alternative way forward for the NSW Labor government

Nathan Rees is a desperate man.

For reasons entirely outside his control, he has somehow ended up premier of New South Wales. It must have come as quite a shock.

He got the gig because he is basically the last NSW Labor politician still standing who hasn't been been charged with corruption, assault or child sex offences.

Actually, there was a small number of others, but they are hated for attempting to force electricity privatisation on the state in the face of overwhelming opposition, including the NSW ALP's own state conference.

Then there is the trains, the schools, the hospitals, the push to privatise ferries, the selling of the state to developers, the refusal to pay essential service workers a decent wage and severe attacks on civil liberties.

All of which have created a crisis so deep for the Labor government, that they handed the reins to some guy no one had ever heard of in the vain hope we wont notice he is from the same gang as the rest of the bastards that have made our lives a nightmare since the mid '90s.

This government has only survived recent elections by running a campaign amounting to "But have you seen the opposition?"

Poor Premier Rees.

With Labor having copped unprecedented hidings in by-elections, how does he respond?

Naturally he goes after drinkers.

Premier Rees "could not believe what he saw on Sydney's streets when he headed home late on Saturday night after his Labor Government's thumping at the ballot box".

Really?

He said: "The exhibitions of public drunkenness that I saw were mind-boggling … it's getting silly, binge-drinking".

Oh dear.

The article, which reports that Rees is "known to enjoy a drink", notes that "not everyone involved in the debate was convinced by his sudden discovery of the issue of alcohol-related violence".

Gee, is that so? Could it really be a cynical manoeuvre by a desperate politician to jump on the latest moral hysteria bandwagon that costs nothing in a desperate attempt to save a rapidly sinking government?

Surely not.

Let's face it, Rees has to do something and its either bash binge drinking or fix the trains and schools.

No governments' AAA credit rating has ever been threatened by a press conference called to condemn excessive drinking. (If only because no one is ever going to heed a morality lecture from a member of the NSW Labor Party, thus ensuring the government's badly needed tax revenue from alcoholic beverages remains perfectly safe.)

Now, I have had my say on this question of binge drinking hysteria. I wont repeat myself here.

What I will say is this.

Premier Rees, you are wrong. The evidence is not on your side.

You may be satisfied with a few smug headlines for the cheapest of political stunts bashing the easiest of victims (drunks, who can't even stand up to fight back).

However, if you want to save your stinking government, you may want to consider a strategy reversal.

How about doing something radical and promoting policies aimed at increasing citizen's happiness?

I know that isn't the style of the NSW Labor government, believe me, I catch trains. But how about a clean break with the past? It's the only way you'll save your skin.

So here is my radical plan.

Instead of bashing drinkers, how about going out of your way to promote alcohol consumption?

That's right, a new study has shown that the happiest people are those that drink every day.

"The index, based on a survey of 2,000 Australians in April, found that those who drink up to three drinks a day are far happier than those who never drink.

"And the wellbeing of 18- to 25-year-olds - the key binge drinking demographic - remains high regardless of how many drinks they have."

The unhappiest? Apparently, "people who did not drink at all had the lowest wellbeing of all".

What a shock.

Now I would have thought this was pretty fucking obvious, but in this day and age, so low have we sunk, that it actually requires some poor bastard to go around with a clip board and ask people to discover the bleeding obvious.

Yes, shocking as it may sound to the crypto-prohibitionists in the government and media, people consume alcohol because it makes them happy.

If you really want to survive, Premier Rees, may I suggest a change of tact.

In the interests of our collective well-being, how about, rather than lectures on the evils of some newly discovered binge drinking culture, getting out there and touring the state's pubs and bars — sticking your head in each one and shouting "Drink motherfucker, drink motherfucker, drink!".

Or, perhaps for the higher class wine bars, jumping in to shout "Scull, scull, scull! Yeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!"

You could even invest in an advertising campaign to raise public awareness. I have a few suggested TV ads below, utilising some good ol' drinking shanties by the Poxy Boggards.

First up, and straight to the point, here is one whose central message is the apt "I'd rather have lager than life". And who wouldn't, with public services the way they are in this state?





"For life without liquor is to no avail/so bring me lager for life!" could be Rees's re-election slogan.

A second option is this one below, which hammers the crucial issue: "Bring us more beer!" This one has the advantage of its chorus featuring a long list of various types of beers that people can order, one after the other.





A third option (below) goes for the tried and tested "shock" option. Like those horrific smoking ads featuring blocked arteries and tarry sponges, it brings home to the average citizen the terrible consequences that face "That strange motherfucker who doesn't like beer".

Among other things, his own dad disowns him, his wife divorces him and his son changes his name. And why wouldn't they?





And finally, my personal favourite: "I wear no pants". I include this one if only because, as close observers of this blog will note, I often don't.





Such a re-election strategy beats the hell out of the now quite weary "But have you seen the opposition?"

Because the answer is we have. That's why we drink.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Fermenting revolution: How to drink beer and save the world

The following is a review by one Benjamin Dangl.

This gentleman, whose writings I have followed with some slight interest, has, until now, mostly concerned himself with the Latin American revolution, especially the social revolution that is developing in Bolivia.

I mean, for fuck's sake, as if the Bolivian masses, having survived 500 years of genocide without his assistance and now on the march forward against the imperialists and their assorted running dogs, actually need this diversion of Comrade Dangl's attention.

Now, finally, and to his credit, Comrade Dangl has turned his attention to the key issue that faces the proletariat within the imperialist nations: Beer.

His review below.

Brewing Trouble: How to Drink Beer and Save the World

By Benjamin Dangl

Review of Fermenting Revolution: How to Drink Beer and Save the World, by Chris O'Brien

Beer, like so many other products, is largely in the hands of giant corporations. Therefore, drinking beer can often enrich the same systems of power we as activists are fighting against. Fermenting Revolution: How To Drink Beer and Save the World by Christopher O'Brien is a book about how the people can take back the brew and join together in saying, "If I can't drink good beer, it's not my revolution."

... Interested in changing the world through drinking? Fermenting Revolution can serve as a kind of bible for the beer activist that's bubbling inside each and every one of us.

In Fermenting Revolution, O'Brien presents a people's history of beer, allowing the reader to feel connected to beer activists centuries ago ...

Full review


Bravo Comrade Dangl, bravo!

Carlo Sands approves.