Wednesday, August 19, 2020

The Footy Frenzy has ended but you don't have to wait till Friday to enjoy the commentary!

We are all upset at the temporary end of the AFL's "Footy Frenzy", where by 33 games were played in just 20 days! And while the AFL is back on Friday, and another bout of frenzied game playing isn't far away, it has still left a gaping hole at the very centre of human civilisation.

Worse, it's left us with little to distract us from an out-of-control pandemic with no obvious end point, ecological collapse and Sydney FC winning the A-League premiership for a record fifth time, which has been set out in all known religious texts as the clearest signal of the End Times.

The loss is far less watching mediocre games whose results are beyond doubt by half time, with the few close games largely due to both sides finding ways to fail to kick goals with a level of skill previously only seen on the Australian left. 

No, we all miss the Channel 7 commentary. So, having provided a basic script last week to allow people to not have to watch the game to get their shot of "BT action", I post a new script below so you don't have to miss out.


Both sides have everything to play for

And we’re away!

Great second touch

Touch wasn't clean enough

Beaten by the boundary line

[obscure stat]

It's pretty even around the stoppages

Almost a throw

He's normally a good kick


Not his best effort there

And that's not a good kick

And he slots it through

They set sail again

Just bundled him out the way

A bobbling ball

And that's a miracle goal!

[Blokey banter -- "You'd have got that one wouldn't you Kingo?" "Oh not sure about that Bingo, I reckon he's been practicising those in his back yard"]

Happy to take a bit of time

They're just slowing things down

They're travelling well

[obscure stat]

And just a minor score

They're keeping them in it

Bundled him out the way

He's found the boundary line

Defence doing their job

Some friendly fire

They're grimly defending

Great effort not to give away the free

They've have done all the scoring this quarter

Hugging the boundary line

And it's touched on the line

[obscure stat]

It's within his range

He's missed the mark by a fair margin

Got the better of him that time

Served it up to him on a plate

He needed a kind bounce

He just holds it up

Oh! He felt that!

[blokey banter like "I reckon you know about hits like that eh Kingo" "Oh I don't know about that Bingo, but I reckon I copped a couple of them from you back in the day" (blokely laughter all round)]

It's a real arm wrestle

It's evenly poised here

And they hit the front!

This game's got everything!

He's taken a screamer!

And the goal umpire doesn't move!

Don't go anywhere!

Might have got away with one

Clever use of the footy

And they are back in front!

Who's gonna stand tall?

Heard the umpires call, he's gotta go.

Happy to see it over

[obscure stat]

They stream forward

Just blazes away

A bit of an up and under

Crowd getting a little restless

He's battling hard

A lot of time on the clock

[obscure state]

They've started to even up the numbers around the ball

This will be interesting!

Goes across the face

He'll be disappointed in that

They've just got a sniff here

A low scoring affair

Just over a goal in it

He's missed a sitter!

It's a chaos ball

They've just gotta go here

[obscure stat]

Bounces unkindly

Kicks into space

He should have swallowed that

The next five minutes crucial

There's a bit of feeling in this

[Blokey banter about how "Kingo" didnt mind a bit of a push and shove in their day.]

And who else!

You wouldn't expect anything different from him!

They're hunting in packs!

They're just hanging around

They've clawed their way back into it

And they can go!

And he's picked his pocket

And he makes no mistake!

That's what makes this game so great!

And didn't the crowd love it!

That was on the back of some forward pressure

This game just keeps delivering!

To ice the game..

And that'll just about do it!

What a great advertisement for our game

There are a lot take aways from this tonight

...will be very happy to walk away with four points

As for... it's back to the drawing board!

Anthony McDonald-Tipungwuti playing footy
Making it into contests when you're thinking that he couldn't
Arms like Arnie and hair like the predator
Just when you thought he couldn't get any better-e



Monday, August 10, 2020

Now you don't need to watch! AFL commentary provided free of charge right here!

We're in the midst of of an AFL "Footy Frenzy", as the recipients of $10 million hand out of taxpayers cash taken from COVID-19 relief funds put it! Yes they are part way through playing 33 games in just 20 days in a  mad race to finish this weird, plague-interupted season and hasn't it been an absolute feast of mediocre skills, dire games and umpiring so bafflingly irrational it makes Donald Trump look like Dr Spock.

Actually watching all these games in their entirety gets pretty draining, even nothing else to do. So I've decided to help.

Let's face it, the only reason anyone watches a game these days is for the sheer quality on offer from the Channel 7 commentary team. 

Imagine a game commentated by wits such as Oscar Wilde, Noel Coward and Dorothy Parker (relegated to occasional special comments as a woman of course) and you barely scratch the surface of what is on offer.

Luckily for you, I've curated the commentary into one easy to read piece that covers any game -- so you no longer have to torture yourself watching insane interpretations of the holding the ball rule, forward 50s so packed with players they are like a pub in a posh suburb mid-pandemic, nor wonder what percentage of players on the ground have committed serious sexual misconduct. 

No, I provide the comments culled from real games in a stunning testimony to just how much time on your hands you actually get amid the collapse of human civilisation. This is only a small selection of phrases culled.

Just insert which ever team or players you want.


A win for either side here is crucial in the context of this season

And we’re away!

He gets a hard won ball

Kicks down the line

But only as far as …

That’s a terrible turn over

You can’t do that there

Who'd be a coach?

He makes no mistake!

And they’re off to a flying start!

Appeals for a free are ignored

And the umpire says he’ll have it How was that not a free, BT?

Kicks an up and under

They’re just controlling the tempo here

I don't think he had any prior there

Dropped on he should have taken

Looks to buy some time

Umpire says it travelled the required distance

And that's a poor finish

They’ve let them off the hook

And they'll bring it away

Did well to keep it alive

Got away with it

The fans letting the umpire know they don't agree

Well I'm not sure what that was for

Fair call, BT

A golden opportunity

And that's a bad let off

Who'd be a coach?

Big ball to win here

He's taken out of it

Too unselfish there

I’m not sure about that one, BT! front and centre

Hits him on the chest

Familiar territory for him

And the goal umpire doesn't move!

One against the flow

His team needed that one!

He's up and about this quarter

Got away with one there

...and off hands

And he sees it over the line

What do you think they've got to do here BT?

This is a big moment for…

He needs to go back and slot this

And he makes no mistake!

A bit of push and shove

Umpire let’s it go

He's wrapped up in the tackle

And they'll throw it in

Saved by the siren!

They've started well this quarter

Clean hands

Not a great finish

He'll be disappointed in himself

That's a clever kick

They're on the back foot here

He's got nothing to kicked to

Looks up and sees nothing

He just needed to lower his eyes

They've had enough chances

Next goal here is crucial

Could have almost had a shot

Slides a little hand ball to...

They hit the front!

And it's very much game on!

And aren't the crowd just loving it!

Too true BT!

A good pair of hands

What's he got? He's got plenty!

Ad tnhey hit back quickly!

He's dragged off it

A little overzealous on that occasion

And that is a harsh call

I'm not convinced he had prior there

Kick was ill directed

A bit of a chaos ball

Should've held onto that

Kept his feet and did that really well

A centring ball

Slots it through!

We've got a game on our hands!

They need a quick response, BT

Numbers out the back here

...will be breathing a sigh of relief

An interesting stage of the game here

The next goal is crucial, you feel

And that's a bad miss

He won't enjoy watchin the replay of that one

Who'd be coach?

And straight away they are made to pay!

He’s on fire!

They’ve blown it wide open

A bobbling ball

Made him earn it

Played it well

Told to go

It's a penetrating kick

And look who’s lurking!

And he doesn't miss those ones!

They're hanging in there

The next goal is crucial in the context of this game

He's instantly claimed

The umpire let's it roll

And the ball's taken over

Very much game on

A long bomb

And that's happening way too often

He’s having a quiet night

I think you’re right about that on BT.

Made him earn it

That hurt!

There's a bit of feeling to this game BT!

And it's on just before three quarter time!

They want to be careful they don't do anything stupid here

That was dumb

He's gifted them a goal on three quarter time!

Who'd be a coach?

He won't enjoy watching replays of that

The tribunal will have its work cut out this week!

The game is hanging in the balance

Brilliant hands

He makes it look easy

We've got a game of footy!

The viewers at home would be absolutely loving it!

Can they manufacture something here?

Finds some space

Strange sort of kick

Spirals it out to the wing

Which way will it bounce?.

He's got an acre to work with

It's a long way back from here

Takes him on

Can they find a way out

Not much ahead of him

But only as far as...

Desperately need the next goal

They've just to to wheel and go

Time's not on their side

Seconds keep ticking

They've got to roll the dice here

And he's taken an absolute screamer!

This to seal it

That's game set and match!

They get a late one but it's too little too late

What a game!

And didn't the crowd love it!

Lived up to its billing!

What an advertisement for our game!

A cracking start to the round

… Will be very disappointed with that result

They had their chances

But taking nothing away from…that was a quality performance

They've sent a message to the rest of the competition… LOOK OUT!

And don't go anywhere coz we've got MORE FOOTY coming up right after the break!

Picture this, a paper boy
He stands outside a Collingwood hotel
On his back black and white
He hums a tune I've learnt to hate so well

Is there anywhere you'd rather be
Than with me at the MCG
And if the Saints get done again
By Christ, I couldn't care...

Weddings Parties Anything from when Melbourne people could actually go outside and even watch footy games in person, thus missing the Channel 7 commentary.