We're in the midst of of an AFL "Footy Frenzy", as the recipients of $10 million hand out of taxpayers cash taken from COVID-19 relief funds put it! Yes they are part way through playing 33 games in just 20 days in a mad race to finish this weird, plague-interupted season and hasn't it been an absolute feast of mediocre skills, dire games and umpiring so bafflingly irrational it makes Donald Trump look like Dr Spock.
Actually watching all these games in their entirety gets pretty draining, even nothing else to do. So I've decided to help.
Let's face it, the only reason anyone watches a game these days is for the sheer quality on offer from the Channel 7 commentary team.
Imagine a game commentated by wits such as Oscar Wilde, Noel Coward and Dorothy Parker (relegated to occasional special comments as a woman of course) and you barely scratch the surface of what is on offer.
Luckily for you, I've curated the commentary into one easy to read piece that covers any game -- so you no longer have to torture yourself watching insane interpretations of the holding the ball rule, forward 50s so packed with players they are like a pub in a posh suburb mid-pandemic, nor wonder what percentage of players on the ground have committed serious sexual misconduct.
No, I provide the comments culled from real games in a stunning testimony to just how much time on your hands you actually get amid the collapse of human civilisation. This is only a small selection of phrases culled.
Just insert which ever team or players you want.
***A win for either side here is crucial in the context of this season
And we’re away!
He gets a hard won ball
Kicks down the line
But only as far as …
That’s a terrible turn over
You can’t do that there
Who'd be a coach?
He makes no mistake!
And they’re off to a flying start!
Appeals for a free are ignored
And the umpire says he’ll have it How was that not a free, BT?
Kicks an up and under
They’re just controlling the tempo here
I don't think he had any prior there
Dropped on he should have taken
Looks to buy some time
Umpire says it travelled the required distance
And that's a poor finish
They’ve let them off the hook
And they'll bring it away
Did well to keep it alive
Got away with it
The fans letting the umpire know they don't agree
Well I'm not sure what that was for
Fair call, BT
A golden opportunity
And that's a bad let off
Who'd be a coach?
Big ball to win here
He's taken out of it
Too unselfish there
I’m not sure about that one, BT!
...is front and centre
Hits him on the chest
Familiar territory for him
And the goal umpire doesn't move!
One against the flow
His team needed that one!
He's up and about this quarter
Got away with one there
...and off hands
And he sees it over the line
What do you think they've got to do here BT?
This is a big moment for…
He needs to go back and slot this
And he makes no mistake!
A bit of push and shove
Umpire let’s it go
He's wrapped up in the tackle
And they'll throw it in
Saved by the siren!
They've started well this quarter
Not a great finish
He'll be disappointed in himself
That's a clever kick
They're on the back foot here
He's got nothing to kicked to
Looks up and sees nothing
He just needed to lower his eyes
They've had enough chances
Next goal here is crucial
Could have almost had a shot
Slides a little hand ball to...
They hit the front!
And it's very much game on!
And aren't the crowd just loving it!
Too true BT!
A good pair of hands
What's he got? He's got plenty!
Ad tnhey hit back quickly!
He's dragged off it
A little overzealous on that occasion
And that is a harsh call
I'm not convinced he had prior there
Kick was ill directed
A bit of a chaos ball
Should've held onto that
Kept his feet and did that really well
A centring ball
Slots it through!
We've got a game on our hands!
They need a quick response, BT
Numbers out the back here
...will be breathing a sigh of relief
An interesting stage of the game here
The next goal is crucial, you feel
And that's a bad miss
He won't enjoy watchin the replay of that one
Who'd be coach?
And straight away they are made to pay!
He’s on fire!
They’ve blown it wide open
A bobbling ball
Made him earn it
Played it well
Told to go
It's a penetrating kick
And look who’s lurking!
And he doesn't miss those ones!
They're hanging in there
The next goal is crucial in the context of this game
He's instantly claimed
The umpire let's it roll
And the ball's taken over
Very much game on
A long bomb
And that's happening way too often
He’s having a quiet night
I think you’re right about that on BT.
Made him earn it
There's a bit of feeling to this game BT!
And it's on just before three quarter time!
They want to be careful they don't do anything stupid here
That was dumb
He's gifted them a goal on three quarter time!
Who'd be a coach?
He won't enjoy watching replays of that
The tribunal will have its work cut out this week!
The game is hanging in the balance
He makes it look easy
We've got a game of footy!
The viewers at home would be absolutely loving it!
Can they manufacture something here?
Finds some space
Strange sort of kick
Spirals it out to the wing
Which way will it bounce?.
He's got an acre to work with
It's a long way back from here
Takes him on
Can they find a way out
Not much ahead of him
But only as far as...
Desperately need the next goal
They've just to to wheel and go
Time's not on their side
Seconds keep ticking
They've got to roll the dice here
And he's taken an absolute screamer!
This to seal it
That's game set and match!
They get a late one but it's too little too late
What a game!
And didn't the crowd love it!
Lived up to its billing!
What an advertisement for our game!
A cracking start to the round
… Will be very disappointed with that result
They had their chances
But taking nothing away from…that was a quality performance
They've sent a message to the rest of the competition… LOOK OUT!
And don't go anywhere coz we've got MORE FOOTY coming up right after the break!
Picture this, a paper boy
He stands outside a Collingwood hotel
On his back black and white
He hums a tune I've learnt to hate so well...
Is there anywhere you'd rather be
Than with me at the MCG
And if the Saints get done again
By Christ, I couldn't care...
Weddings Parties Anything from when Melbourne people could actually go outside and even watch footy games in person, thus missing the Channel 7 commentary.