Friday, November 03, 2006

Guess what I did last Wedesday! (Perth explained)

[I am posting an email that I got sent from someone else from a few years back now.

It is actually two stories and I have included both, although I like the second one the most. The second story is a perfect description of Perth and its so-called social life.]

"Guess what I did on Wednesday," I say to Sally with my dirty smirk.

"What!" she giggles.

"The National Queer Officer for NUS!"

"Mor hor hor," Sally laughs and she sounds like a fat man listening to a tit joke.

Just thirty minutes after I had left a disorientated and sleepy **** NUS-person at the busport I run into Grant in the Ref shoplifting chocmilks.

"Hey did you see Kate at the meeting last night," he asks and I go, "yeah, I did, she walked in with that other National Broad Left guy and I thought, hello, eastern staters here."

This was very true. They arrived to the meeting late and immediately, though I didn't recongise Kate, I immediately felt there eastern stateness. And to set the record straight on one Perth version of events, I did not take the seat next to ****, he arrived late, so he took the one next to me.

"And hey," says Grant,"have you talked to that **** guy who is with her. Dodgy."

"What do you mean dodgy?"

"Oh he was just really fucked all througth the NBL, quite anti-Resistance, lots of stupid autonomous marxist ideas."


"Yeah, an idiot."

Nothing I could do now, I thought, the stains of autonomous marxism were already on my sheets. I fill Grant in the details and he does a similar tit-joke oh ho ho at the end.

"You're quite dodgy, Justin" he says, but I can tell from his eyes he is quite proud.

A five month drought. Not a single smut, grope or fondle since early March. I was quite pleased all Thursday. My skin has cleaned up amazingly. It has generally done my health the world of good. I think it shows a certain style as well. A very Justin style.

I walked past Jane selling papers on Friday. "I've been hearing stories about you Justin," she says, but she is too embarrassed to say what they were.

His politics weren't great, but they were at least politics. It makes me realise the huge absense in Perth of left-wing young men who have sex with left-wing young men. It is so refreashing that when bedroom action comes to a standstill, you can always have a fight about working class autonomy or blockading as a stratergy or tactic. And when that gets boring, you can go back to giving head.

He is back at NUS office land at UQ now.

* * *

But anyway, that puts me in a good mood for going out.

Jill rings at the start of the week, "Nevermore (the 80's goth club night) Justin," she whispers, "its just a few days away, are you going?"

"But we always go Jill, every week."

"Yes but its so good."

"No its boring. Lets go to the casino."

"Oh, but, oh, I dont know. Nevermore Justin, its,.."

And a few days after that...

"Nevermore Justin," whispers Andy, "are you going?"

"I already said, no boring Nevermore. Bic and I are gambling our pay away on the money wheel."

And this is true. True in intent.

Somewhere along the line things got changed to going to a party in Como and a party in Nedlands. It was a med student party and I was told the address while drunk at a cocktail bar the Saturday previous.

"Its an easy street to remember". the girl told me. "It sounds like a really big street but its actually really small."


Anyway it is Saturday and we are in Como. I have participated in the drinking of six bottles of passion pop and some irish cream and some bourbon. I am making friends with some people who keep putting TLC on the CD player. There is a drug dealer with a coat hanger on his head and my pocket has a big dexie bottle in it. I am here with Bic and she is flirting with the coat hangered drug dealer.

Hannah, a seventeen-year old from work is there, and she keeps letting herself get pulled away into the toilets by really seedy older guys. Bic and I go get her and say "Save it for the carpark honey, people are drinking and need that loo to piss".

God damn Hannah was giving me the shits. We did get her kind of drunk, but that didn't mean she had to keep falling on me. In desperation I gave her a handfull of dexies on the proviso she wouldn't bother me anymore, and we didn't see her for about forty five minutes.

Then things got dodgy.

Christine and I were having a dandy time, munching away, pupils dilated. The clock ticks to 12 and we go, (Deanne as designated driver) "lets go to Nedlands party".

Jarvis, (Becs boyfreind) is suddenly all alarmed because Alannah is missing and gets all tireingly big brotherish.. ie: "little Hannah, where is she?"

We find Geet because she is going with us, and just to describe Geet she looked fantastic because she has this really dark skin with this bright red dress with flashing lights on the chest. But anyway.

Hannah we found doing walking boglaps outside.

"Get in the car Hannah," I say and she goes, "No! Lets just walk around all night!" and Jarvis goes, "Crap, who was stupid enougth to let Hannah have dexies" and I
think he he, waits till he knows how many his girlfriend has had.

You see Jarvis's a bit of bloke who likes to look after his shelias. The ways he looks after them we shall later see.

Anyway we are all in the car ready to go, after we physically restrained Hannah and shoved her in the back seat. But then Bec remembers that there is a male stripper arriving soon, so she decides we can't leave.

I say, "if I show you my nipple, can we miss the stripper" and Bec says yes. I show my nipple and Bec goes "nah, I'm still going inside".

It took over thirty minutes to get them in the car and in around thirty seconds they were all gone again.

A gay man with muscles walks into the house, and a bit later comes out again with less. Everyone gets back in the car, except Hannah, who I think Geet had to go get back out of the toilet.

Just as the back door is about to shut the drug dealer with the coat hanger on his head turns up.

"Hey can I get a lift to Nedlands too?" he asks.

"We have five in the back already. Sorry mate", says Christine. "We only leave with the ones we came with."

Then he gets shitty. "Well take me to the bank because Jarvis, you owe me $115 for that bottle of dexies, and I want that money now."

"I told you man," says Jarvis, "I'm paying you tomorrow".

"But I want it now, we're going to the bank."

"Excuse me," says hardcore little Christine, "this is my fucking car and your not getting in it and there will be no going to a bank. So fuck off!"

Then there is this noise which is Jarvis geting pulled out the car and punched in the stomach. Then there is the noise of Jarvis dry retching. Then there is the rustle of Geet's red dress as she flies out of the car and knocks the guy to the ground. He punches her in the jaw.

"He hit my sister," cries Jarvis all bloke indignant, but its a bit of a lost
cause because now there's a strangling noise because drug dealer is now again on his back, with Bic sitting on his chest, chocking him while Geet kicks him in the head with her boots.

I stay in the car and play with the cassettes. Christine gets out and tries to find Hannah. The fight goes on for at least twenty minuyes. At one point a stranger comes up and asks me whats going on.

"Its okay", I say, "we're just all going to a party in Nedlands".

Eventually the misunderstanding was cleared up, with our gang clearly triumphant. We were all quite pleased and I patted the offending bottle of dexamphetamine with love. We cranked up the car radio and, with all of us in the car Deanne turned the ignition.

The battery was flat.

It was really nice of the people we had bashed to help us find jumper leads.

However by this stage, Christine was less that cooperative, as she had kept talking dexies all through the drama and as soon as the car was started was a little edgy.


As it turns out I wish we hadn't because when she got home Bec passed out, so Jarvis felt up Hannah while Bic lay sleeping next to him.


But not that it mattered at that time because Christine and I got to speed off back to the city, to go of all places, Nevermore. (Andy and Jill looked relieved I couldn't really have meant the rude things I said about it.)

As it is I realise your attention must be waning. I will try to abbreviate the rest. I told everyone I saw, (including good old Anne P,) that I had been part of a street brawl in como where i kicked in a scull.

Nat and Gavin break up. I stay out till 6am. Gavin gives me more dexies.

We walk home and talk shit. "Hey Jus", "Hey Gav". At 8am we get home and have tequilla sunrises. Nat tells me about her career at the sex shop and Gavin describes how his penis pump works.

I get home at 11am and go through my pockets. I find an email address for this cute boy at Amplifier Bar. I told him I was producing a radio show for 100FM, did he want to be a radio star? He said yes.

Science has yet more reasons to get really drunk!

Science shows that drinking red wine is really good for you and helps if you have a fatty diet. (And let's face it, most drunks do.)

I don't want to say "I told you so" to all those health-freaks out there, but I did always say: "A cask a day keeps the doctor away".

Science has spoken.

Fatty diets may improve with red wine

Sydney Morning Herald, November 6, 2006

Lovers of fatty food may be able to have their cake and eat it too, according to striking new research into a special compound found in red wine...

Resveratrol is found in low doses in red wine and some plants and has been shown to extend the lifespans of yeast, flies, fish and worms in recent research...

Full article.

Drinking will help your career!

Don't believe those health-freak Nazis.

This article *proves* that the more you drink the more successful you will be, and the more money you will earn. Just think of all the expensive drinks you could buy with that extra money!

Although, strangely, the theory about great career and financial advancement going hand in hand with drinking doesn't seem to apply to me... Maybe I don't drink enough?

Or maybe the regulars at The Shannon don't qualify as the sort of "schmoozing" the article registers as likely to lead the career advancement...

Does Drinking Help Your Career?

A new study has stirred up debate about what role socializing plays in
the workplace.

Peter Hoy

While many were quick to dismiss the findings of a recent study
showing that drinkers make more on average than those that abstain
from alcohol, a number of CEOs cite a direct connection between
socializing and career advancement.

Regular drinkers make 10% to 14% more money than those who do not
drink, according to the study, conducted by the Journal of Labor
Research, published quarterly by the Department of Economics at George
Mason University, and the Reason Foundation, a Los Angeles-based think

full article