In lieu of my Google ads so cruelly taken from me, here is a special offer from Carlo Sands to my loyal readers who love Tom Waits

When I discovered the terrible news yesterday that Google had disabled my Google adsense account and taken away my beloved Google ads, I felt a crushing sense of disappointment that I would no longer be able to offer my beloved loyal readers so wonderful an array of shopping opportunities.

Google, in its wisdom, has found Carlo Sands in violation of its so-called terms of agreement.

It doesn’t explain. These giant corporations never do.

It merely accuses my blog of generating “invalid clicks” — clicks on the ads done not with the intention of genuinely checking out the products on offer, but merely to generate cash for the blogger.

I mean, as if! As if the glory of my google ads was not the reason for their runaway success! Why would my loyal readers not be attracted to the ads?

Oh, the offers! A common one was “Alcohol treatment”. Who does not wish to be treated with alcohol?

But there was so much more. Let me quote from the ultimate source: myself.

In a recent Letter to a reader on the crucial question of google ads, I pointed out what was on offer:


...from "Beer" to "Spirits" to "Alcohol" to... all sorts of things.

Sometimes they go all left field and the ads will offer a range of seemingly random things, such as a series of NGO jobs: "Teach English", "NGO jobs", "NGO jobs in Kenya", "NGO jobs in Bangladesh".

There is always choice on offer, such as the time the two google ads on offer where "Humanitarian aid" and "Un humanitarian aid".

Choice is what this blog is all about and I am proud to provide ads that allow people to decide for themselves whether to help or hinder the less fortunate.

My personal favourite, though, was one automatically generated by my last post about Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow, which offered "Pirate Treasure Chests". I really think you cannot ask for more than this.


And yet Google would have us believe that some of the clicks on such wonders were “invalid”!

Well, what a joke!

I actually think my ads were the victims of their own success. So enticing with their offers of “Alcohol treatment” and “Un humanitarian aid” that the clicks seemed illegitimate.

Now, my mass fan base are of course my first concern in this matter, but I should like to point out that Carlo Sands has suffered too.

Google disabled my account owing me 92 bucks! The fucking god damn thieves. Google says it has given that cash “back” to the advertisers in question!

Well, Google, you fucking owe me $92 and I here by declare before the entire world that Carlo Sands shall get it. I shall, in the first instance, use your appeal processes and point out the fundamentally injustice that has been committed.

I mean what utter scum. Never trust a corporation, that is the lesson I’ve learned the hard way, though I guess I could have just learned it from Joss Whedon or the entire rest of humanity that happen not to be a major share holder and/or executive board member of the top 200 corporations that own this fucking planet.

Google... it starts wars in Central America and it steals your fuckin ads...

It hurts, it really does. I loved those ads. They were my reason to keep on going, knowing I could offer them to my legion of fans, knowing it was a way Carlo Sands could give something back.

Seriously Google, why didn't you just steal my heart too when you nicked my ads, coz what use is a heart so badly broken?

Google has as its unofficial motto: “Don’t be evil.”

I fucking kid you not. It is on Wikipedia and everything.

The fucking irony...

So, I would like to try and make it up to my fans with a very special offer. A free live album from God himself, recorded in Amsterdam in 2004.

This offer of free Tom Waits really is the least Carlo Sands can do.

So, check out this site: http://bootlegsfrombucklberry.blogspot.com/2009/05/tom-waits-amsterdam-2004.html.

Follow the easy to assembly instructions and you'll have yourself a few album — but be quick, the offer is going to run out sooner or later.

There you go, loyal fans. An *entire* album worth of live Tom Waits songs. Some 22 songs all up. Includes many favourites from his then just released brilliant album Real Gone.

So... I can't offer Google ads, at least until my appeal is accepted or Google somehow sees the error of its ways... but I can offer you free music from the Greatest Fucking Singer-Song Writer In The Entire Fucking World Ever.

Ok.

Now, while we are on the topic of FUCKING Google, below is the delightful Manic Street Preachers with the closing track from their latest album Postcards from a Young Man. A song written about Google, entitled “Don’t be Evil (Just be Corporate)”.

(I am off to see the Manics in just a couple of hours, I mean I don’t like to boast, but I fucking am...)



“The sickos and the bullies praise your name. You've enriched their lives with pleasure and fame. As a corporate as the suits you won't wear, as stupid as the jeans you tear, as evil as the pretense you care, God save us all from Satan's stare... Don't be evil, just be corporate. Fool the world with all your own importance...” The Manic Street Preachers give Google a well deserved kicking. Did I mention I’ll be seeing them in a couple of hours?

A reply to a reader on the question of google ads

I received a note from a reader of this blog that raised some very serious questions - nay allegations - in relation to the service provided by the blog of google ads for the readers' shopping pleasure.

These said ads are in my humble opinion - and it is my fucking blog so my opinion is what fucking counts - one of this blog's most attractive features.

(Asides, that is, from my profile pic in the top right hand of the blog. I am told I remind people of a famous film star. I don't see it myself, but then I have never been a fan of Tom Hanks.)

There are so many advantages to the google ads, which you will find at the top of the blog just above the post.

A key one, besides the cash Carlo Sands earns, is the wide variety of automatically generated ads. Everything from "Beer" to "Spirits" to "Alcohol" to... all sorts of things.

Sometimes they go all left field and the ads will offer a range of seemingly random things, such as a series of NGO jobs: "Teach English", "NGO jobs", "NGO jobs in Kenya", "NGO jobs in Bangladesh".

There is always choice on offer, such as the time the two google ads on offer where "Humanitarian aid" and "Un humanitarian aid".

Choice is what this blog is all about and I am proud to provide ads that allow people to decide for themselves whether to help or hinder the less fortunate.

My personal favourite, though, was one automatically generated by my last post about Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow, which offered "Pirate Treasure Chests". I really think you cannot ask for more than this.

Some, it seems, disagree.

It is really hard to please some people, and Carlo Sands received the following disgruntled letter from a reader not at all satisfied with the results of clicking on a google ad.

I provide the letter below.

* * *

Dear Mr Sands,

I was perusing your most excellent blog whereupon I noticed a Google ad for "Binge Drinking". "Don't mind if I do", I thought to myself, and clicked, expecting a bounty of alcoholic options to be arrayed before me.

What I must ask you now is this: What are you playing at? What in the blazes do wedding photography, Floriade and Bob Jane T-mart have to do with binge drinking?

I expect you'll claim innocence, blaming Google or somesuch. I say this will not stand.

sincerely,

A disappointingly sober fan.

* * *

Calling the quality of Carlo Sands' google ads into question is no small matter. If the implications of this letter were true, it would be serious business indeed.

However, Carlo Sands feels greatly wronged. And therefore allow me to publish the following Open Letter to a Reader on the Crucial Question of Google Ads:

Dear A Disappointingly Sober Fan (and I agree it is a great disappointment to find you in such a state),

I mean, for christ's sake! Take a good look at yourself, Disappointingly Sober!

Most people in this world are too damn poor for google ads and you are whining that the one you clicked on didn't present you with choices you consider adequate!

Oh the shame of it.

Allow me to state what should be blindingly obvious: if you, Disappointingly Sober, require the assistance of google ads to partake in the joys of binge drinking, then I dare say you are doing it wrong!

What you do, for future reference, is walk to the fridge and/or cupboard, open the door and consume all the booze within.

Should such spaces be empty, then you open the front door, having picked up your wallet from wherever the fuck you said you liked to leave it in that pointless meme, and walk to a pub and/or bottle shop.

Then you buy as much booze as the contents of your wallet allow and drink it.

Now, can google ads play any role in this process? Yes, in two ways.

First, look at the wedding photography that so drew your ire. I mean, seriously look.

Keep looking. Avoid the temptation to avert your eyes or scratch them out. Do this for a good, say, 15 minutes.

Now, don't you feel an overwhelming urge to drink as much as you can as quickly as you can?

Try it with Bob Jane T-Mart. Maybe it wont work for you, but I gotta tell you, a Bob Jane T-Mart catalogue sure sends me running to LiquorLand for their strongest brew every fucking time.

The second way it assists is it generates cash for Carlo Sands and Carlo Sands spends that cash on booze.

He may be willing to buy you a drink out of the bounty, but not of you keep acting up like this.

Grow up, Disappointingly Sober! Stop blaming Carlo Sands and his google ads for any state of sobriety you find yourself in, get yourself some decent fucking booze and fucking DAMN WELL DRINK IT!!!

yours sincerely,
Carlo Sands
(deceased)

P.S.: Thank you for your support.

Wherever people long for freedom, Johnny Depp is there

Yes, it is all over the media.

The Greatest Actor of His Generation turned up at a British school in full pirate regalia after a young fan wrote to him seeking help to stage a “mutiny”.

“Beatrice Delap, nine, wrote to Captain Jack Sparrow — Depp's character in the Pirates Of The Caribbean movies — asking for help with an uprising against teachers at Meridian Primary School in Greenwich, south-east London”, ABC.net.au said.

“We are a bunch of budding young pirates and we were having a bit of trouble mutiny-ing against the teachers,” Delap wrote. “We’d love if you could come and help.”

Recognising that surprise is of the essence in a successful insurrection, Depp gave the school just 10 minutes notice of his visit in response to the call for assistance in the students’ liberation struggle.

Panicked, the school establishment called a hasty assembly, into which Depp strode in full pirate regalia, accompanied by four pirate offsiders. The students, we are told, burst into applause.

No doubt this ovation was also accompanied by many cries of “Long live the revolution!”, “Fourth graders united shall never be defeated!” and “To the wall, teacher scum!”

However, corporate media accounts omit any reference to such chants.

Despite the element of surprise, it turns out there was a turncoat in rebel ranks. Addressing the rebels, Depp was forced to advocate a tactical retreat: “Maybe we shouldn’t mutiny today because there are police outside monitoring me.”

This was a wise tactical move. With the forces of reaction mobilising their repressive apparatus against the rising in advance, the rebels were surrounded. A hasty rising in such circumstances could only lead to a bloodbath.

And a heroic but failed rising is of no use to anyone — unless you’re Irish, perhaps.

Far better to keep the powder dry, regroup, gather the forces, strengthen preparations and prepare to launch a successful insurrection tomorrow.




“So we’ll mutiny, take over the school and eat lots of candy till our teeth fall out.” Depp expounds the rebels’ action program.


Now there is more to Depp than his role as revolutionary leader. He also directed and starred in the clip below for the Shane MacGowan and the Popes song “That Woman Got Me Drinking” — an ode to the noble art of mending a broken heart with huge quantities of booze. (Of course, this features Shane MacGowan before he sold out and got his teeth fixed.)





“She said she’d always love me, she said I’d be the one. Now look at the way she treats me, just like a piece of scum. That woman’s got me drinking, look at the state I’m in. Give me one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten bottles of gin.”

From assisting primary schoolchildren in their bid to throw off their oppressors, to directing a clip celebrating binge drinking as a legitimate response to heart ache, to completely failing to win an Oscar despite being the greatest actor of his generation and despite Tom Fucking Hanks winning two... it seems there is truly nothing Johnny Depp cannot do.

And here, on this very blog, Carlo Sands has been kind enough to provide, in one single post, no less than two clips featuring Mr Depp.

And I do this entirely free of charge, purely out of passion for my work.

And all Carlo Sands asks in return is you have a look at the google ads kindly provided at the top of the page for your shopping pleasure, check them out, and, if you see anything like, give them a good click or two.

You'll find if you refresh the page, google kindly provides an entirely different set of ads — feel free to check them all out!

More crucial election news: must see video

"Ooww? That didn't feel good."

Without doubt, the most exciting news so far in the Australian federal elections 2010, scheduled for August 21, was released this very morning.

Finally, previously suppressed footage from a concert featuring so-called singer and Devil Child Justin Bieber being attacked by a brave hero in the crowd has been made public. Ninemsn tells the story:

Video footage has emerged of tween pop star Justin Bieber being attacked with a water bottle onstage.

The 16-year-old "Baby" singer was performing at a concert for US radio station 107.9 The End in December last year when a concertgoer hurled the object at him.

"But yeah, I just wanted to see everybody because I love you guys," Bieber says, before the bottle hits him in the head.

The crowd can be heard gasping as Bieber turns his back and clutches his forehead.

"Ow, that didn't feel good," he says.

"I don't know why she just threw that at me."

Ok, now Justin (or should I call you by your correct title "Spawn of Satan Sent to Destroy All Culture and Enslave Us All"?), let me tell you something. You know when you got hit in the head? And when you said "ow?" you made it a question?

That type of thing helps explain why someone threw the projectile and they aimed straight for your head.

That and the fact you had a microphone in your hand and were clearly threatening to "sing". That was a dangerous provocation.

It is inspirational footage, but the feeling remains this video represents yet another missed opportunity in this election campaign. An empty vodka bottle would have been much more effective, especially if filled with petrol and a rag and then set alight.

Still, in this campaign, when the offerings are a mad monk in budgy smugglers or a faulty robot with multi-personalities who can only move forwards - both of whom being determined to destroy all life on Earth - you take what you can get.

From now until August 22, the best advice your faithful blogger can give you is turn off your TV whenever the news comes on and just watch this clip over and over again.

PS: Don't forget the google-ads just at the top of the page. Every time you click them, a Justin Beiber CD dies.

Have you heard there’s an election on?

If I can’t vote for killing Justin Bieber, it’s not my election. And they call this a democracy.

However, we all do still have some freedoms they are yet to strip away. We can unite and click the google ads at the top of this blog!

Oh, the rich and powerful don’t want you to, make no mistake about it. They would have you believe it is *impossible*, at the current hit rate, for Carlo Sands to actually ever *earn* the 150 bucks required for google to bother sending him a check any time before the coming climate apocalypse destroys the planet and, with it, the requirement for Google to send Carlo Sands a check.

That is because they are scared! Sure, the amount earned over a year or so so far has barely reached double figures, but remember what Ghandi said: first they laugh at you, then they fight you, then they give you a check for $150 bucks and you go out and get pissed!

Don’t let them fool you! Take a stand! Click the ads!

Dare to struggle, dare to click! If you don’t click you lose!

Alcohol: a love song

“And you know that I'll pick up, every time you call. Just to thank you one more time, Alcohol.” Gypsy punk band Gogol Bordello sing one of the great all-time love songs — an ode to a tempestuous but profound love affair.

It is so beautiful, so moving and so just god damn true that I feel obliged to produce the lyrics in their entirely below for the enjoyment of the wide and diverse Carlo Sands' readership.

There is no need to thank me for this selfless public service. I simply bring your attention to the google ads at the top of the page and request you think hard about giving a good click to anything that captures your eye.

Alcohol

Yeah o yeah you seen me walk
On burning bridges
Yeah o yeah you seen me fall
In love with witches
And you know my brain is held
Inside by stitches
Yet you know I did survive
All of your lovely sieges

And you know that I'll pick up
Every time you call
Just to thank you one more time
Alcohol
And you know that I'll survive
Every time you come
Just to thank you one more time
For everything you've done

Alcohol
Alcohol

And I'm sorry some of us
Given you bad name
yeah o yeah, cause without you
Nothing is the same
Yeah o yeah i miss you so
Every time we break up
Just to hit a higher note
Every time we make up

Who's crawlin' up my spine - alcohol
I was waiting long long time - alcohol
Now you teach me how to rhyme - alcohol
Just don't stab me in the back with cartisol

Now we reunite - alcohol
And forever be divine - alcohol
Screw a light bulb in my head - alcohol
may that ceremony be happy or sad...

And you know that I'll pick up
Every time you call
Just to thank you one more time
Alcohol


Oh, that is just so moving. It is just... I am sorry, it is these onions I spontaneously decided to start chopping... it is just... please, I just need to be alone for a minute.

The sharpest analysis of the Iraqi elections on the net

This is without a doubt the sharpest and most accurate analysis I have found on the internet on the elections in Free Iraq(TM). And now you can enjoy it in the comfort of Carlo Sands' google-added blog. With the google ads. Which are just at the top of the page, if you see anything you like. You just give them a click. Don't be afraid! It's simple!

I have never come across the lovely Fafblog! before, but I can assure you my perusing of it confirms its loveliness.




The New Iraq

VICTOREEEEEEEEE! After nineteen years of bombs and wars and torture and bombs and torture and ethnic cleansing and torture, America's mission in Iraq has finally been re-reaccomplished through the miracle of symbolic purple-fingered brown people!

Oh sure, all the cynics and the critics and the nattering nabobs of payingattentionism will say “Oh but Giblets haven’t we had five or six of these already, what makes these purple fingers different from previous purple fingers” and the answer to that is shut up. These purple fingers are the most purplest-fingeriest purple fingers to ever have been symbolically purpled!

They stand as unique and compelling evidence of our nation’s sincere generational commitment to transform a brutal impoverished dictatorship into a brutal, more impoverished dictatorship by freeing Iraq from the deadly menace of Iraqis.

And with that under our belt it’s time for America to pull up its pants, smack the dust off its hands, stuff a million dead Iraqis into the national crawlspace and move on (1).

Wait! What's that! Is that the sound of a desperate Iran being terrorized by Iranians? Looks like a job for America!

(1) Except for fifty thousand non-combat troops, who are to remain behind to shoot people and bomb things in a non-combat capacity.

Labels: never say never again, running the world, warnography

Explaining Lily Allen

Well, the word of Carlo Sands has been questioned.

As readers of this blog know, I staggered out of bed late on New Years Day to award, for the second year running, Lily Allen the 2009 Carlo Sands’ Person of the Year for Services in the Advance of Humanity and General Drunkenness.

It seemed, and I must confess still seems, a perfectly logical choice.

But some punters disagree.

There has been a debate of sorts on Facebook, which is where all debates of any importance happen these days.

(I would, however, encourage all readers of this blog to also take advantage of the comments section provided thoughtfully right here on the blog. Among other advantages, allow me to bring to the reader’s attention the array of highly attractive and very useful “google ads” at the top of the blog.

They are specifically tailored to the tastes of the discerning “Alcoholic’s Guide to Modern Life” reader, generated according to the topics brought up in the hard-hitting polemics and tasteful cultural contributions this blog is world-renowned for.

I raise this not because I crave the cold, hard, cash I may one day eventually earn if enough readers gives the ads a good click or two.

No. I am genuinely excited at some of the products this blog is proud to host. For instance: the many offers of “alcohol treatment”. How great is that? I love being treated with alcohol! And it is all just a click away!)

But I digress. (Did I mention there are google ads at the top you can click that can actually earn me money?)

Controversy

My decision to award Allen this coveted prize has sparked controversy. One comment was “If I was David Hasselhoff, I'd be feeling a little bit ripped off right now.”

This particular person (who may or may not be real, I don’t like to assume these things when it comes to “Facebook friends”) proceeded to submit evidence.

In the interests of fairness, I hereby provide it.

Exhibit A
Exhibit B
Exhibit C

Okay, so we have established pretty clearly that the Hoff is a drunk.

But is that all there is to the question?

Another dissenter said: “What about Charlie Sheen's late bid? And I assume Tiger Woods was always sober.”

No doubt it was only the timing of Mariah Carey’s January 5 wasted award nights speech that prevented her name being thrown into the ring by those who think they know better than Mr Carlo Sands, gentleman and drunk.

And here we get to the heart of the matter. Is the award simply about levels of intoxication in abstract? No.

Is it simply about celebrities, while intoxicated, behaving in ways that the media declare are scandalous and cynically exploit to generate sales, viewers and internet hits?

Again, the answer is no.

That criterion certainly applies to all these names. And, by those standards, Lily Allen does indeed fall behind the Hoff. And Peter Doherty, Amy Winehouse and a large percentage of the rest of those who are named celebrities.

But Ms Allen has won the coveted prize twice for something more than just being publicly wasted. (That’s important, of course. You are highly unlikely to win this award for advocating prohibition and topping it off by putting your principles into practice.)

I am looking for something more.

Attitude

I am looking for an attitude. I am seeking a particular stance in relation to the world and all that is wrong with it.

Lily Allen does not just drink. She almost never seen on a stage without a glass of booze in her hand.



Now she could, of course, drink on stage discreetly. But she makes no attempt to hide it. The glass is always right there in her hand for all to see.

In fact, she gleefully tells the media she wont get on stage without a drink.

Think of this attitude and stance and how it relates to the government and media anti-drinking hysteria.

Have another look at the spat between Allen and Elton John on stage at the 2008 GQ Awards.



Allen stood at that podium, forced to present alongside Elton John. Noticeably tipsy, she slurped champagne on stage and poured some more from the bottle she had conveniently placed behind the podium.

Absolutely no attempt was made by Allen to hide her drinking. And when she announced they were coming to the “most important part of the evening” and Elton John said “What, are you going to have another drink?”, Allen refused to apologise.

She said (and I quote): “Fuck you, Elton”.

Mariah Carey, by contrast, apologised of her own volition half way through her drunken ramble.

Most of the celebrities that go to these things get out of their heads on champagne and a hell of a lot of other stuff. And most of them, if asked, will publicly discourage binge drinking and drug use.

Allen’s attitude and stance is defiantly anti-hypocrisy.

Because the truth is, people drink. People often drink a lot. They do it because it is fun.

Allen won the 2009 award for telling the media she drinks because it is fun and has no intention of not doing so. “Why the hell would I stop?”, she said.

Large numbers of people feel the same. And so they get drunk — at parties, BBQs, dinner parties, pubs, bars, parks, weddings, funerals, sporting events (and I'll declare when I fucking well feel like, Richie), gigs and awards ceremonies.

This is the truth about our society and Allen, a chart-topping singer, says it and makes no attempt to hide it in her own life.

Allen displays disrespect for the official rules of the game, for the standard hypocrisy that goes hand-in-hand with the daily functioning of late monopoly capitalism as it makes its increasingly rapid slide towards barbarism.

Elton John is an officially designated “national treasure” in Britain. He is above reproach after he sung that song for Princess Di. And Allen, on stage at a nationally televised event, told him to fuck off.

Of course, it isn’t just Elton John who gets this treatment. In Fuck You, Allen says exactly the same thing, this time to a catchy melody, to then US president George Bush and all racists and homophobes.



To Elton John, she went on: “I’m 40 years younger than you.”

Allen’s point was, at age 23, she was simply being young. This is what young people do.

Allen makes a good role model. She drinks, smokes, swears, speaks her mind, sings openly about sex, sings songs insisting it is her right to sexual pleasure, sarcastically puts down sexist pigs in her lyrics and generally attacks hypocrisy.

In fact, you really have to wonder why anyone was surprised by her response to Elton John when the chorus to Friday Night goes: “Don’t try and test me coz you’ll get a reaction/Another drink and I’m ready for action/I don’t know who you think you are/But making people scared wont get you very far”.

Let Lily be Liam

Of course, Allen could easily drink, smoke, swear, and screw who she wants without it being controversial providing she did it discreetly behind closed doors.

This lack of hypocrisy unsurprisingly saw the British media turn on her. Especially in the earlier part of her career, she was represented as a trainwreck and a drunken slag — prompting Allen to comment that this sexist treatment made her feel like she was living in the 1950s.

If Allen was a young male singer, she would be hailed as a great lad by all. Allen made this point herself in a December 22 Telegraph article: “I didn’t understand why I couldn’t be like Liam Gallagher just because I was a girl.”

Carlo Sands insists that if anyone wants to be like Liam Gallagher, it is their goddamn right.

The appeal of Allen to young women, especially, is she looks and sounds like them. She does the things they do and doesn’t try to hide it. She represents aspects of their lives in her songs (most notably on her first album Alright Still) with wit and a defiant “fuck you” attitude.

A particular target, in a number of songs, is arrogant men who treat her like shit and think they can walk over her. Her response in Shame For You, a swaggering bluesy number dripping in attitude, is one of the best lines in recent popular music: “Oh my gosh you must be joking me/If you think that you’ll be poking me”.

It should go without stating that a key part of the appeal is the language the line is delivered in.

In the delightful Everything’s Just Wonderful, Allen sings about the drag of life for ordinary people.

She sings of being unable to get a mortgage (“It's very funny coz I got your fucking money/And I'm never gonna get it just coz of my bad credit”) and the pressures on young women to lose weight (“In the magazines they talk about weight lose/If I buy those jeans I could look like Kate Moss”).

The result? “Oh jesus christ almighty/Do I feel alright, no not slightly”.

And really, we don’t in this society. That’s why we have booze. And now the bastards try to attack us when we use that to kill the pain!

Allen’s popularity rests in no small part on delivering these sorts of lines, capturing the lives of ordinary people with wit.

Of course, success brings with it the contradiction that success increasingly removes Allen from these conditions. But that is a real contradiction of the capitalist music industry.

You can already sense it having an impact in her second album It’s Not Me, It’s You. It combines more purely personal songs with some general swipes at society as a whole, which work or don’t to varying degrees.

(The Fear is Allen at her best, letting her ironic wit off the leash in a biting picture of society in the grips of empty consumerism with lines like: “I want lots of clothes and a fuckload of diamonds/I hear people die while they’re trying to find them”. All delivered with a sweetly innocent smile.)

But, on the whole, Allen was better singing about getting drunk at the pub and dealing with unwanted attention by men trying to pick her up (Knock 'Em Out).

And it is for that attitude and stance of unashamed defence of the right to drink and have fun, with no attempt to hide it by someone in a position to be a real role model for our youth, that Lily Allen has been honoured with Carlo Sands’ Person of the Year award for two years running.

As opposed to the Hoff or Charlie Sheen or Tiger Woods. All of whose stance is the exact opposite.




“What the fuck do you know? Just cos you’re old you think your wise. But who the hell are you though? I didn’t even ask for your advice. You wanna keep your mouth shut, you wanna take your thoughts elsewhere. Cos you’re doing in my nut, and do you think I care?” — Lily Allen responds to critics of the decision to award her the 2009 Carlo Sands’ Person of the Year for Services in the Advance of Humanity and General Drunkenness