Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Message to the world on the occasion of my wake (plus songs)

[Due to the technical issues, I am unable to send to all my countless fans an audio recording of me reading this out. Below is a transcript of my speech for my wake, happening every in the world on Friday, September 2 at 6.30pm (local time).

It is a transcript of what I attempted to record, including an introduction that i have transcribed verbatim.

Also, I have created a playlist on You Tube for the event, which can be accessed at Carlo Sands' wake playlist. YouTube I have placed the videos below. Now, everyone in the entire world, who is attending this wake whether they like it or not, has both a speech to be delivered and appropriate tunes with which to mark the life a truly wonderful human being -- Carlo Sands.]


This is Carlo Sands.

Well, actually I feel obliged to point out this isn't my real voice. I've hired an actor to read this on my behalf. This is not what I sound like at all. Carlo Sands' real voice is actually a lot more like, ah, say Sean Connery. You know, sort of deeper and more authoritative.

Actually, probably more Alan Rickman-esque.

It is pretty deep and very sexy and I really wish I could *share* it with you, but unfortunately I have... ah issues of a legal variety and it is really best I stay out of the public eye, or indeed ear.

Which reminds me, if Interpol come asking any questions about Carlo Sands, for christ's sake SAY NOTHING.

So, as I am sure you all know, Friday September 2, 6.30pm (local time), my wake is occurring everywhere in the entire world. This is taking place because, you all also probably know, I am dead.

If you *didn't* know, then I am very sorry to have to break the news to you. It's true. Carlo Sands is dead. I realise you are in a lot pain right now, absorbing this information, but really, think how *I* fucking feel. I am the bastard who's dead, for christ's sake! Have some FUCKING RESPECT!

I have been dead for sometime but never had a wake. This is being rectified. In honour of this significant event, I have composed the following speech to be read out at the many locally organised wakes taking place all over the world, on all continents.

Feel free to just cut this intro bit out and get straight to the speech if you like. Oh, but make sure you meantion the voice thing -- that's very important.

A message to the world on the occasion of Carlo Sands' wake, by Carlo Sands

Dear friends, disciples and Leslie,

It is an enormous honour to address you all on this most important of occasions. It is deeply moving to see so many people turn out to celebrate and/or mourn my life and mourn and/or celebrate my untimely demise.

To see so many thousands of people here tonight is amazing, I just hope those of you packed onto the nearby roofs and at the outer reaches of this human sea can hear me well enough. I thank you all for coming.

To confront one's own mortality is never easy. Death is a confronting experience. I still remember that terrible day sometime back in 2009 when, fool that I am, I made the literally fatal mistake of taking that damned Facebook quiz, "When will I die" and received my answer: October 21, 2008.

To die is one thing. To discover one has been dead for a number of months is especially hard. Luckily, I was drunk at the time so it is all a bit of a blur.

All I can say is Facebook is a dangerous thing, to be treated with caution. It censors you for supporting Palestine, it sells your private information to corporate giants to sell you pointless shit in annoying ads and, if you are not careful, it'll kill you with a quiz answer without so much as a "warning: this quiz may kill you" message to give you the heads up.

An experience like death takes a long time to come to grips with. This is the reason for the long delay before truly accepting it is so and holding the inevitable wake.

This is not a sad day. I lived a full life and had the opportunity to drink with many of the great men and women throughout human history.

And if there is one thing I've learned through the milenia, it is never drink with Ghengis Khan. Seriously, don't do it. It just never ends well. By the time you sober up, half of fucking Asia has been pillaged.

You'll end up richer, no question, but the hangover is really not worth it.

Also, I am sorry about the Welsh. That was my fault. The only thing I can say in my defence is pear cider is one bastard of a drink. Kids, stay off the pear cider.

I'd like to mention a few people here. To Johnny Depp, I'll never forget the times we've had together. Just the two of us and a bottle of absinthe, and my god when you did that thing with... well, you know.

Lily Allen. I forgive you. Well, actually no I FUCKING DON'T! Seriously, how could you marry that builder? A FUCKING BUILDER! Fuck you!

To Tom Waits. Please, please, please return my calls. I am really sorry, I was drunk. Can you really not move on from that night? Just pick up the phone. Please.

To all my loyal fans, I thank you for your continued support through a difficult time. To my disciple of the year for 2010, Mary Ellen, you know exactly what to do to win Disciple of the Year for 2011. This time, make it Irish whiskey.

To Leslie, that cad who beat me in the duel to the death. Well, tonight is yours to gloat but tomorrow shall be mine! My revenge will be sweet and I shall be wearing a large grin at *your* wake, you fucking bastard.

To all who have donated to the important cause that is helping Carlo Sands buy alcohol, your support is appreciated. The struggle against sobriety is not over and the PayPal button can be found at my blog,, near the top of the righthand column.

Now, all I ask is a minute of respect where no alcohol passes your lips. Just one minute of not drinking. It is surely not too much to ask in memory of so great a man as myself, Carlo Sands.

...Just a minute. One minute, come on. LOOK, ONE FUCKING MINUTE! Seriously ... PUT THOSE DRINKS DOWN! Fuck, stop drinking you bastards! ONE FUCKING MINUTE!!!! You useless bunch of fucking drunks.

Fine, drink, you useless pricks,. Just fucking drink. I don't care. May you fall over and break your arm. Yes, Ben, the OTHER ONE AS WELL you bastard. God damn you all.

thank you,
Carlo Sands

Oh, one final thing: FUCK ISRAEL!!!

Friday, August 05, 2011

Mark Steel tackles booze hysteria and saves me the trouble

You know, I was just about to write a new rant on drinking hysteria when British socialist, comedian and columnist Mark Steel did it for me.

In his weekly Independent column, Steel focuses on the hysteria, which we know more than enough about in Australia.

As we *also* know only too well, the hysteria (of the "four standard drinks is binge drinking" variety) is just ground work for horrific attacks -- such as the outrageous reintroduction of drunk-and-disorderly laws in New South Wales.

Really, it is hard not to take this personally. I would not be surprised to find out the bill was informally known as the "Carlo Sands Law".

So, I warn the Brits to expect legal trouble.

Steel focuses his piece on the situation in Britain. From this we may conclude the attacks on drinkers are international, and therefore so must be our resistance!!!

As Martin Luther King Jnr once said, a threat of sobriety anywhere is a threat to intoxication everywhere.

Remember: When we drink, we are not just drinking for ourselves, but for humanity.

Mark Steel: Alcohol can be a problem, as can doctors

Britain is getting drunker than ever, apparently, with a government "consultation" expected to reveal the shocking statistic that, compared with 20 years ago, there are 80 per cent more documentaries or news items showing a clip of a girl in a short skirt being sick on a bench while a lad with no shirt makes a noise like a werewolf as he's thrown into a police van.

But more worrying is the increase in pompous doctors who come on the radio or programmes like The One Show to give us guidelines, telling us, "Those of us who think we're drinking moderately may still be at risk. For example if you have one glass of wine and then later in life have another, you are technically an alcoholic."

Then they say, "Of course there's no harm in drinking safely. I often enjoy an Italian wine with my evening meal, by opening the bottle and pouring it all into a bush. That way there's only a small risk to my liver, as long as I do it once a month as a treat."

Websites offering advice on safe drinking are full of tips such as, "If you're thinking of having a lager please consult your doctor first." Or, "One way of cutting down consumption while still enjoying a wild girls' night out, is on alternate rounds instead of having a drink have a bowl of soup, or go canoeing."

On the Drinkaware site I looked at, I was told three pints of medium- strength beer, twice a week, can lead to "heart disease, liver disease, impotence and cancer." I didn't check but I expect it went on, "and a fourth pint will cause cat flu, plague, rust, feeling like a woman trapped inside a man's body, fascism and a tendency to suddenly turn inside-out in the morning."

It also told me, "If you consume alcohol to feel good, or avoid feeling bad, your drinking could become problematic." So it's only safe to drink if it's to make yourself feel worse.

Still, alcohol can cause havoc, so we shouldn't be flippant. You only have to look at the demise of poor Amy Winehouse, who presumably had three pints of bitter on a Sunday and then another three the following Friday.

But the campaign against drunkenness doesn't seem to have learned from the "Just say no" anti-drugs campaign, which connects with hardly anyone as it insists drugs lead rapidly to disaster and aren't fun.

But if they weren't fun there'd be no need to tell people not to take them, just as there's no need to tell people "Just say no" to sticking your bare arse into a nest of wasps because no one does it anyway because it's not fun.

Similarly any attempt to reduce drunkenness must depend on acknowledging that people do it because it seems fun. The alcohol industry appears to be aware of this, which is why it markets drinks for teenagers as bursting with fun, then denies they're doing so with comments such as, "The product 'Marshmallow-alco', in which a marshmallow is filled with a cocktail of vodka and Southern Comfort, is not in any way aimed primarily at a younger market range."

But the Government's "consultation" is being run in conjunction with the alcohol industry, to such an extent that the British Medical Association have withdrawn from it altogether as a pointless exercise, because if we were to be cynical, the drinks industry may not be the keenest people to find ways of cutting down the sale of alcohol.

So the complex job of getting young people away from drug addiction and alcoholism will still be done by charities, such as Mentor UK. But they have declared the recent cuts in rehab clinics have made that almost impossible, saying these cuts "could have devastating implications".

So we're left with doctors telling us not to drink sherry on two consecutive Christmases, and if Amy was still around she could have updated her song by singing, "They tried to make me go to rehab but they said, 'Piss off, we've shut'."