Saturday, December 02, 2023

The Devil Complains

Hell. The Devil on his throne, phone in hand about to make a call

THE DEVIL: [calling off screen] Henry! For crying out loud put down that flamethrower! I keep telling you there are no communists in Hell! People really gotta read the Bible… [dials number and puts phone to his ear]

Heaven. Jesus is in the midst of a raucous party when his phone rings amid the strains of a drunken crowd singalong: “I am going, I am going, where streams of whiskey are flowing…” Pint of Guinness in hand, he heads to a quiet corner to take the call.

JESUS: Lucifer! So nice to hear from you. [Calls off screen] Yeah another whiskey! [returns to call] What can I do for you, only we are a bit busy up here [puts his pint down to accept a glass of whiskey].

THE DEVIL: It’s Henry Kissinger! I think the guy is too evil for Hell! He’s already carpet bombed the Seventh Circle. He’s naplmed the Eighth and installed a fascist dictatorship over the Sixth where anyone who questions the official state ideology is disappeared! That’s the Heresy Circle! The poor souls can’t help themselves!

JESUS: Luce, mate… what’s the problem? They’re meant to suffer! It sounds like you’ve finally gotten some help for that workload you’re always complaining about. [yells off screen] Hey Shane! “Dirty Old Town”!

Strains of a rough voice slur-singing: “I met my love, by the gas works wall…” 

THE DEVIL: Hang on… do you have Shane MacGowan up there???

JESUS: What? Oh… yeah he’s on a double bill tonight with Sinead.

THE DEVIL: You get all the good ones!

JESUS: Yeah that's... kinda the deal, Luce.

THE DEVIL: [sighs] I don't know how much more of this I can take! You pay me to torture these souls, fine. I think I do a pretty good job! Then some upstart psychopath comes down and starts trying to do it for me! Reckons he’s got more experience in making things “scream”! It’s like he wants my…

A knock on the door. The Devil gets up to answer.

THE DEVIL: [to Jesus] Hang on.... [opens door] Yes?

Two uniformed soldiers march in and declare The Devil is under arrest in the name of the new regime established to restore order and destroy the Communist threat.

THE DEVIL: [being dragged away, yelling into his phone] JESUS! Help me! JESUS! There’s been a coup… you have to intervene... JESUS! JESUS?!?

JESUS: [hears Shane MacGowan start singing “It was Christmas eve babe, in the drunk tank...”] Sorry Luce, didn’t catch that. Look gotta go [downs whiskey] Shane’s just got Kirsty MacColl up on stage [hangs up and hurries off raising his pint glass]

THE DEVIL: [being dragged down a firey hallway] JESUS!!!!!!!