Missed the first AFL men's game last night? Here's the commentating highlights to get you up to speed

The AFL is back, if you exclude the seven AFLW rounds already played this year, and no doubt almost all of you were glued to the TV as there's really nothing else of interest going on in the world right now.

Or maybe you were too busy celebrating another week of no protesters being shot dead on our streets to. Or too distracted thinking about that top cop's idea, the one so dumb and offensive in equal measures it was like a Donald Trump tweet if the ex-president and future convict had suffered an especially debilitating aneurysm.

Or maybe you just couldn't bring yourself to watch a game between Richmond and Carlton. After all, the game offered the unpleasant choice of a win for a deeply unlikable, arrogant and entitled club with little respect for the rules, or a draw.

Well don't worry, I've got your back. The best part of watch AFL is undoubtedly the quality of the Channel 7 commentary, and even without Bruce McAvaney in the box there's still plenty to like about this team.

So I collected a few of the commentating highlights as they were uttered last night so you can get a full flavour of the match. As it goes on, you might feel the comments seem to get a little homoerotic, if not outright pornographic. I can assure you this just you. Australian Rules football is a pure, innocent game and you should be ashamed of yourself!

THE FOOTY'S BACK! (Spoiler: a deeply unlikable, arrogant and entitled club with a questionable commitment to the rules won the match.)

***

 

THE CROWD ARE STANDING, THEY'RE ALLOWED TO STAND…

And the 2021 AFL season is underway!

Wrapped him up like a blanket

Perfect conditions at the MCG, as BT said

Wants to play on

Massages it to half forward

Can he find someone inside 50?

For the first goal in the match and the season…. BANG!

With the clearing kick

Smooth as you like

Worked it nicely

One on one, he rarely loses them

Aren't the fans loving it being back!

Nice movement

Hopeful start here for the Blues

Defends to the boundary

This first 10 minutes are crucial

Dropped what he should have taken

Now the calvary arrive

Only one home for the Blues

He'll run all night!

Now they steady, the Tiges

Ball's pinging around

It just emphasises the importance of decision making

Just a little bit too cute

You CANNOT turn the ball over there in that part of the groun. You just cannot afford to do it!

Has got to be clean

Great to be back here!

Level pegging… in goals

That was well done by the young gun

Kept it alive

Sits a high one up

Got a nice look about it already, this game of footy

They need to hit the scoreboard

Two ready to do combat in the Coles centre circle!

Excellent front and centring from the Carlton smalls

Belted in the tackle

Coughed it up, you can't do that against the Tigers!

You couldn't ask for more! Scores level!

Knew he had to get rid of it

Pouring the pressure on late in this first term

Goes for home, touched on the line

Pounds a long one

Strikes it perfectly!

So much to like about this kid

Mown down!

High ball

Does well in the end

Crowds are back, AFL is back!

Six lead changed already, it's a great game of footy

SEVEN LEAD CHANGES!

Has he got enough on it?

Funny little handball

Nice body work

Might have been interfered with

Turns around and says "Mate, I'm twice your size!"

They have been explosive!

Centering ball

Reiwaldt hits the board

Tried to get boot to ball

The pressure from both sides… EXCEPTIONAL!

What's he got ahead of him?

Now they're out!

Parked underneath it

Puts it wide

It is on!

Now the human meatball…

And is this deliberate? YES IT IS! WHAT ABOUT THAT? HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT???

Lowers the eyes, that's nice

Seesawing encounter to start the season

AFL football is back in a big way!

Funny little kick

Advantage is paid

Got to make a contest

Great vision out wide

Right on the Toyota logo there

They really got to steady here

Wants to wheel and go

Across the face, a minor score

There's been some decent mullets over the Carlton journey

Runners everywhere

They start to get hold of it!

Interesting decision

It's a two goal spread

He thought about going

Thumped through

You get the feeling the Tiges will be careful with the ball here

Well it's a great game of footy at the MCG. It's lived up to expectations!

He'll thump it back in

Floats one forward

Where was the pressure?

Blues fans furious!

Can't bend it back enough!

Hoisted it inside without great direction

Let himself down there

He can't help finding the ball!

Run down, holding the ball!

Ball in

The Blues are peppering

Oh that's nice! They are coming, the Blues!

That's a very nice set shot!

Good hands, quick release

Hard at the pack

Just couldn't handle the ball

Their sub has been activated

Just pounded it out of there

Big coupla minutes!

You thought he might have been towelled there a little bit, BT?

Straight as! Perfect execution

He slots it through

Carlton have been rushing

Hacks it across the face

Probably should have hung on

Martin's in great shape

Nailed it!

It ended up in the best possible hands

If you can't put it on the scoreboard it goes to waste

Had to go down deep

Worked it through with great hands

And a ball up

Only five touches this half after he was enormous early

Can the Blues find something just to steady the ship?

Umpire said it was high

Tigers fans not impressed!

Sprays it wide

Inaccuracy really costing the Blues at the moment

Can they conjure something?

Swinging it away by hand

Good call, Jobe

Neat little ball

He reels and goes

What an important goal

He's snagged a couple

A good late fist

He sees it out

Plenty of time on the clock!

Steers it inside 50

This is a must goal!

Just needs to hit it a little harder here. 

That's nice, well done!

Over the top and there's Blues everywhere!

Jeez JB they've got a bit of steam up now haven't they!

They'll get a ball in very deep

Still lots of time! That clock WILL NOT WIND DOWN!

He's impossible to collar!

Keeps it in

Ran into his own man!

Plenty of time for both teams

He was mounted!

Stuck it down the throat of Reiwaldt

A penetrating ball

Just composure to put it through

They've done enough here the Tigers, such a professional outfit

Too good, Richmond.

The Footy Frenzy has ended but you don't have to wait till Friday to enjoy the commentary!

We are all upset at the temporary end of the AFL's "Footy Frenzy", where by 33 games were played in just 20 days! And while the AFL is back on Friday, and another bout of frenzied game playing isn't far away, it has still left a gaping hole at the very centre of human civilisation.

Worse, it's left us with little to distract us from an out-of-control pandemic with no obvious end point, ecological collapse and Sydney FC winning the A-League premiership for a record fifth time, which has been set out in all known religious texts as the clearest signal of the End Times.

The loss is far less watching mediocre games whose results are beyond doubt by half time, with the few close games largely due to both sides finding ways to fail to kick goals with a level of skill previously only seen on the Australian left. 

No, we all miss the Channel 7 commentary. So, having provided a basic script last week to allow people to not have to watch the game to get their shot of "BT action", I post a new script below so you don't have to miss out.

***

Both sides have everything to play for

And we’re away!

Great second touch

Touch wasn't clean enough

Beaten by the boundary line

[obscure stat]

It's pretty even around the stoppages

Almost a throw

He's normally a good kick

Well

Not his best effort there

And that's not a good kick

And he slots it through

They set sail again

Just bundled him out the way

A bobbling ball

And that's a miracle goal!

[Blokey banter -- "You'd have got that one wouldn't you Kingo?" "Oh not sure about that Bingo, I reckon he's been practicising those in his back yard"]

Happy to take a bit of time

They're just slowing things down

They're travelling well

[obscure stat]

And just a minor score

They're keeping them in it

Bundled him out the way

He's found the boundary line

Defence doing their job

Some friendly fire

They're grimly defending

Great effort not to give away the free

They've have done all the scoring this quarter

Hugging the boundary line

And it's touched on the line

[obscure stat]

It's within his range

He's missed the mark by a fair margin

Got the better of him that time

Served it up to him on a plate

He needed a kind bounce

He just holds it up

Oh! He felt that!

[blokey banter like "I reckon you know about hits like that eh Kingo" "Oh I don't know about that Bingo, but I reckon I copped a couple of them from you back in the day" (blokely laughter all round)]

It's a real arm wrestle

It's evenly poised here

And they hit the front!

This game's got everything!

He's taken a screamer!

And the goal umpire doesn't move!

Don't go anywhere!

Might have got away with one

Clever use of the footy

And they are back in front!

Who's gonna stand tall?

Heard the umpires call, he's gotta go.

Happy to see it over

[obscure stat]

They stream forward

Just blazes away

A bit of an up and under

Crowd getting a little restless

He's battling hard

A lot of time on the clock

[obscure state]

They've started to even up the numbers around the ball

This will be interesting!

Goes across the face

He'll be disappointed in that

They've just got a sniff here

A low scoring affair

Just over a goal in it

He's missed a sitter!

It's a chaos ball

They've just gotta go here

[obscure stat]

Bounces unkindly

Kicks into space

He should have swallowed that

The next five minutes crucial

There's a bit of feeling in this

[Blokey banter about how "Kingo" didnt mind a bit of a push and shove in their day.]

And who else!

You wouldn't expect anything different from him!

They're hunting in packs!

They're just hanging around

They've clawed their way back into it

And they can go!

And he's picked his pocket

And he makes no mistake!

That's what makes this game so great!

And didn't the crowd love it!

That was on the back of some forward pressure

This game just keeps delivering!

To ice the game..

And that'll just about do it!

What a great advertisement for our game

There are a lot take aways from this tonight

...will be very happy to walk away with four points

As for... it's back to the drawing board!

Anthony McDonald-Tipungwuti playing footy
Making it into contests when you're thinking that he couldn't
Arms like Arnie and hair like the predator
Just when you thought he couldn't get any better-e

 

r

Now you don't need to watch! AFL commentary provided free of charge right here!

We're in the midst of of an AFL "Footy Frenzy", as the recipients of $10 million hand out of taxpayers cash taken from COVID-19 relief funds put it! Yes they are part way through playing 33 games in just 20 days in a  mad race to finish this weird, plague-interupted season and hasn't it been an absolute feast of mediocre skills, dire games and umpiring so bafflingly irrational it makes Donald Trump look like Dr Spock.

Actually watching all these games in their entirety gets pretty draining, even nothing else to do. So I've decided to help.

Let's face it, the only reason anyone watches a game these days is for the sheer quality on offer from the Channel 7 commentary team. 

Imagine a game commentated by wits such as Oscar Wilde, Noel Coward and Dorothy Parker (relegated to occasional special comments as a woman of course) and you barely scratch the surface of what is on offer.

Luckily for you, I've curated the commentary into one easy to read piece that covers any game -- so you no longer have to torture yourself watching insane interpretations of the holding the ball rule, forward 50s so packed with players they are like a pub in a posh suburb mid-pandemic, nor wonder what percentage of players on the ground have committed serious sexual misconduct. 

No, I provide the comments culled from real games in a stunning testimony to just how much time on your hands you actually get amid the collapse of human civilisation. This is only a small selection of phrases culled.

Just insert which ever team or players you want.

***

A win for either side here is crucial in the context of this season

And we’re away!

He gets a hard won ball

Kicks down the line

But only as far as …

That’s a terrible turn over

You can’t do that there

Who'd be a coach?

He makes no mistake!

And they’re off to a flying start!

Appeals for a free are ignored

And the umpire says he’ll have it How was that not a free, BT?

Kicks an up and under

They’re just controlling the tempo here

I don't think he had any prior there

Dropped on he should have taken

Looks to buy some time

Umpire says it travelled the required distance

And that's a poor finish

They’ve let them off the hook

And they'll bring it away

Did well to keep it alive

Got away with it

The fans letting the umpire know they don't agree

Well I'm not sure what that was for

Fair call, BT

A golden opportunity

And that's a bad let off

Who'd be a coach?

Big ball to win here

He's taken out of it

Too unselfish there

I’m not sure about that one, BT!

...is front and centre

Hits him on the chest

Familiar territory for him

And the goal umpire doesn't move!

One against the flow

His team needed that one!

He's up and about this quarter

Got away with one there

...and off hands

And he sees it over the line

What do you think they've got to do here BT?

This is a big moment for…

He needs to go back and slot this

And he makes no mistake!

A bit of push and shove

Umpire let’s it go

He's wrapped up in the tackle

And they'll throw it in

Saved by the siren!

They've started well this quarter

Clean hands

Not a great finish

He'll be disappointed in himself

That's a clever kick

They're on the back foot here

He's got nothing to kicked to

Looks up and sees nothing

He just needed to lower his eyes

They've had enough chances

Next goal here is crucial

Could have almost had a shot

Slides a little hand ball to...

They hit the front!

And it's very much game on!

And aren't the crowd just loving it!

Too true BT!

A good pair of hands

What's he got? He's got plenty!

Ad tnhey hit back quickly!

He's dragged off it

A little overzealous on that occasion

And that is a harsh call

I'm not convinced he had prior there

Kick was ill directed

A bit of a chaos ball

Should've held onto that

Kept his feet and did that really well

A centring ball

Slots it through!

We've got a game on our hands!

They need a quick response, BT

Numbers out the back here

...will be breathing a sigh of relief

An interesting stage of the game here

The next goal is crucial, you feel

And that's a bad miss

He won't enjoy watchin the replay of that one

Who'd be coach?

And straight away they are made to pay!

He’s on fire!

They’ve blown it wide open

A bobbling ball

Made him earn it

Played it well

Told to go

It's a penetrating kick

And look who’s lurking!

And he doesn't miss those ones!

They're hanging in there

The next goal is crucial in the context of this game

He's instantly claimed

The umpire let's it roll

And the ball's taken over

Very much game on

A long bomb

And that's happening way too often

He’s having a quiet night

I think you’re right about that on BT.

Made him earn it

That hurt!

There's a bit of feeling to this game BT!

And it's on just before three quarter time!

They want to be careful they don't do anything stupid here

That was dumb

He's gifted them a goal on three quarter time!

Who'd be a coach?

He won't enjoy watching replays of that

The tribunal will have its work cut out this week!

The game is hanging in the balance

Brilliant hands

He makes it look easy

We've got a game of footy!

The viewers at home would be absolutely loving it!

Can they manufacture something here?

Finds some space

Strange sort of kick

Spirals it out to the wing

Which way will it bounce?.

He's got an acre to work with

It's a long way back from here

Takes him on

Can they find a way out

Not much ahead of him

But only as far as...

Desperately need the next goal

They've just to to wheel and go

Time's not on their side

Seconds keep ticking

They've got to roll the dice here

And he's taken an absolute screamer!

This to seal it

That's game set and match!

They get a late one but it's too little too late

What a game!

And didn't the crowd love it!

Lived up to its billing!

What an advertisement for our game!

A cracking start to the round

… Will be very disappointed with that result

They had their chances

But taking nothing away from…that was a quality performance

They've sent a message to the rest of the competition… LOOK OUT!

And don't go anywhere coz we've got MORE FOOTY coming up right after the break!

Picture this, a paper boy
He stands outside a Collingwood hotel
On his back black and white
He hums a tune I've learnt to hate so well...

Is there anywhere you'd rather be
Than with me at the MCG
And if the Saints get done again
By Christ, I couldn't care...

Weddings Parties Anything from when Melbourne people could actually go outside and even watch footy games in person, thus missing the Channel 7 commentary.