Wow. Internet left speechless by what this Facebook post said just happened.

 I saw the most inspiring story on facebook and I had to share it here. It is so great that a platform exists to get out true stories filled with heart and told so engagingly and definitely not machine created. 

***

It was meant to be James Corden’s return to late night talk show hosting. Instead, it became a raw, unfiltered moment that no one could have predicted. Grinning at his famous guest Big Bird, Corden tried his usual light-hearted banter before Big Bird stunned the host into silence with a simple response:

“We sit here surrounded by flattery and wealth, but outside the world is falling apart.”

 
A murmur broke out in the live audience as one of the world’s most famous avian personalities continued: “As the world descends into darkness, you offer us banal distraction.”

“But Big Bird,” a visibly shaken Corden stuttered, “don’t you think people deserve a laugh?”

“We aren’t on this stage to provide entertainment,” Big Bird countered calmly, his feathers unruffled, “but to numb the minds of the toiling masses, to distract them at the behest of the powerful who steal our future.”

The audience began to cheer and applaud as Big Bird listed the many crimes of our ruling classes, never once raising his voice.

“I think maybe we should do some Carpool Karaoke,” Corden nervously interjected as he tried to regain control of the situation.

“James,” Big Bird looked the host directly in the eye, “I did not come on your show to sing. I came to incite revolution!”

The inspired audience rose up as one and stormed the stage, capturing Corden and executing him as an enemy of the people. They poured onto the streets, calling on their fellow workers to join them. Soon all of Los Angeles had fallen to the insurrectionary masses and the Los Angeles Commune was declared, led by directly elected and recallable representatives who decreed the expropriation of capitalist interests and the redistribution of the city’s glittering wealth. Terrified at the example being set, both major capitalist parties united to send in the military to drown the LA Commune in blood, finally regaining control after 112 days of fierce fighting, leaving tens of thousands dead.

The counter-revolution may have prevailed, but the example set by a big yellow bird who simply told the truth will never be forgotten. Full article [Insert dodgy link here]

[Image: Big Bird leads James Corden to the firing squad]

The True Story of William Tell, As Observed By Carlo Sands and a Cad Named Leslie

 

Aldorf, Switzerland. November 18, 1307.

A village square, surrounded by shops advertising chocolate, cheese and watches. On a park bench Carlo and Leslie sit, wearing their Napoleonic War-era military uniforms. Leslie’s black uniform with white lacing is neatly pressed and immaculate. Carlo’s blue uniform is disheveled, faded and noticeably fraying.

LESLIE: I am not sure why you wanted to come to Switzerland, you know it’s languishing under the tyranny of the Duchy of Austria. You hate Austrian dukes.

CARLO: One of those Habsburg pricks stole my Schnapps!

LESLIE: If I recall, it was the Duke’s bottle of Schnapps that you stole from his table in that Vienna tavern when he wasn’t looking. Honestly, you were lucky he was too enamoured by that Styrian harmonica player to have you executed.

CARLO: Anyway, we’re here for the hordes of gold.

LESLIE: I keep telling you, that’s Nazi gold. As well as the moral ambiguity of trying to steal gold that’s been plundered by fascists, it doesn’t even get sent to the Swiss National Bank for more than 600 years…

They are interrupted by the sounds of the William Tell Overture ringing out. Leslie points to the middle of the square.

LESLIE: Is that William Tell? The greatest crossbow marksman in the whole of the recently announced Swiss Confederacy? 

CARLO: That bastard owes me a beer!

***

William Tell, crossbow slung across his shoulder, walks across the village square with young son Billy. They stop near a 10 foot-high pole, on top of which sits a fancy looking Alpine hat with a large white feather. Paying no attention to the pole, Tell gets down on one knee to address his son.

TELL: Please Billy, you rmust spend more time practicing your crossbow! We'll never rid ourselves of the hated Habsburg oppressors if we don't train in armed combat!

BILLY: But Dad, I don't like the crossbow! I just want to herd goats.

TELL: Look, you promise to keep up your crossbow practice and I'll buy you some of that Swiss chocolate for which these lands are so justly famous!

BILLY: But Dad, I don't like Swiss chocolate! I prefer an Austrian Weiner schnitzel.

TELL: (stands up, shocked) I am going to pretend I didn't hear that.

Two guards rush over, wearing plumed helmets and carrying pikes

GUARD 1: Hey mate! Mate!

TELL: Yes, officers?

GUARD 1: (points to the pole) Didn't you see the hat on top of that pole?

TELL: (looks up) I just figured thieves nicked some poor bastard’s hat and chucked it up there. I'm sorry, I didn't see who did it.

GUARD 2: That's the hat of Albrecht Gessler! The official representative of the Holy Roman Empire! He put it there so the villagers would bow before it!

TELL: (looking up at the pole) That’s Gessler’s hat? That pompous overfed Habsburg running dog?

 A finely dressed nobleman with no hat appears behind Tell. 

TELL: That vile tyrant terrorising his own Swiss countryfellows, that ugly two-faced thieving… he’s standing behind me isn’t he?

GESSLER: William Tell, the most famous crossbow marksman in the whole land. Why did you refuse to bow before my hat?

TELL: Why did I refuse to bow… why did you stick that stupid hat up a pole? Have you lost your mind? What is the punishment anyway for not bowing before a symbol of foreign domination?

GESSLER: The routine punishment, Tell, is death.

TELL: (to his son) See, son? Social inequality is always underpinned by state-sanctioned violence! This is why you must learn to shoot, because the violence of the oppressor can only be answered by …

GESSLER: (interrupting) But in your case, Tell, I have a better idea. Why don’t we put your marksmanship to the test? All you have to do is shoot this apple…..

Gessler grabs an apple from the hands of a peasant woman walking past.

PEASANT WOMAN: Hey, that’s my apple!

GESSLER: (ignoring her) … with a crossbow bolt from a distance of 50 yards …

PEASANT WOMAN: That's my lunch!

GESSLER: Split that apple with one shot and, on my word, I shall spare your life.

TELL: (scoffs) Easy.

GESSLER: Wonderful. Now, to ensure it balances nicely we shall just place that apple right on top of your lovely son's head…

TELL: (horrified) You’re insane!

GESSLER: Split the apple and you shall live. Refuse and you shall both die. Guards!

PEASANT WOMAN: Am I going to be compensated for the apple?

A crowd gathers to watch as the guards line Billy against a tree in the village square and place the apple on his head. Tell sets up 50 yards away and, trembling, raises the crossbow. Losing composure, he lowers it again.

BILLY: Dad, I lied. I really do love Swiss chocolate.

Visibly moved, Tell raises the crossbow and fires. The apple splits in two. The crowd cheers as Tell and Billy jump up and down in joy. In the background, the peasant woman gathers the apple parts and hurries off.

TELL: (celebrating wildly) Yes! Yes! I did it! Take that you Habsburg pricks! Yes!

As Tell jumps about, another crossbow bolt falls from under his tunic and clatters on the ground. Gessler picks it up and taps it against his palm.

GESSLER: A second bolt, and yet I offered you only one shot! Tell me, Tell, what was this second bolt for?

Tell hesitates.

TELL: Promise not to get angry?

GESSLER: I promise.

TELL: Had I missed and hit my son, that second bolt was for your heart.

GESSLER: (enraged) Guards! Seize him!

TELL: You promised!

The guards hold a furious Tell down.

GESSLER: I promised you your life and I shall not kill you! You will, however, be taken across the lake to the castle of Küssnacht in whose dungeon you shall rot for the remainder of your life! Take him away!

Tell is dragged off in front of the stunned crowd. Across the square, Carlo and Leslie sit on the bench watching proceedings.

CARLO: The Swiss are crazy!

LESLIE: (looking at the sky) Looks like there’s a storm brewing.

CARLO: Let’s go to the pub.

***

Gessler, Tell and the two guards are on a boat crossing the lake. The two guards sit in the middle, rowing with an oar each, with Gessler at one end of the boat and Tell, tied up with rope, at the other. A fierce storm breaks out, tossing the boat too and fro.

GUARD 1: The storm is too fierce, boss! I’m not sure we can make it!

GESSLER: Nonsense!

A huge wave crashes over him, leaving him soaking.

GESSLER: (furious) My finest robes! Surely you can get us to safety, you two are supposed to be the greatest sailors in the land!

GUARD 2: (yelling to be overheard above the storm) Actually… there is one man they say is even greater and he may be the only one who can save us!

GESSLER: Who…

All three look at Tell, who grins back.

GESSLER: You’ve gotta be kidding.

TELL: Untie me Gessler, and I shall sail us to safety.

GESSLER: And you promise that once we reach land you’ll let us tie you up again and drag you to the dungeon?

TELL: I promise.

GESSLER: Then free him!

The guards untie Tell, who promptly grabs his crossbow lying near his feet and shoots Gessler through his heart.

GESSLER: (shocked) You promised!

Gessler topples backwards over the boat and disappears into the raging waters.

GUARD 1: (to Guard 2) I told you we shouldn’t have let him pack his crossbow for the trip.

TELL: Right, now to get us to safety and then… freedom!

Tell jumps into the middle and grabs the oars.

***

Carlo and Leslie are sitting at a table in a crowded tavern drinking beer when Tell bursts in and starts addressing the patrons.

TELL: My fellow Swiss! The tyrant Gessler is dead! It is time to rise up and free these lands from our Habsburg overlords!

CARLO: (interrupting) William Tell!

TELL: Our fight will… Carlo Sands?

CARLO: You owe me a beer!

TELL: Not now! I’m trying to lead the revolution!

CARLO: (rising to his feet) You know, Tell, I once knew a man from a very different time and place. He fought against a hated dictator in a land known as Cuba. He was not himself Cuban, but he fought for Cuba’s freedom as hard as he would his own. And when they won, he left to fight for freedom in other lands until the Holy Roman Empire of his day finally had him put to death.

Growing increasingly passionate, Carlo stands on his seat.

CARLO: And one time, Tell, that man looked me right in the eyes and told me: “At the risk of sounding ridiculous, a true revolutionary is guided by great feelings of love and also never ever refusing your shout!”

Tell stares at Carlo for half a second.

TELL: (sighs)  Alright, fine. Bartender, get him a schooner of Resches.

Tell turns back to the crowd of patrons as the bartender places a schooner in front of Carlo.

TELL: Now we liberate these lands!

The crowd cheers and led by Tell rush out of the tavern, leaving it empty save for Carlo and Leslie.

LESLIE: You know, you can get quite eloquent when making your case for beer.

CARLO: (looks sadly at the schooner) He owed me a pint.

LESLIE: Well drink up and let’s get out of here. I’ve a feeling these lands will be wracked by wars for about 300 years before finally declaring themselves a permanently neutral power, and even then I suspect religious and economic tensions will quickly spill over into a pretty nasty peasants’ war. 

CARLO: Never trust the Swiss.

They down their remaining beer and leave.