The Carlo and Leslie Dialogues: On the matter of the vibe shift

Well I am sure with all that is going on in the world, the greatest issue all humanity faces is whether we are indeed in the midst of yet another vibe shift. This crucial issue of whether trends in popular culture were changing was bravely broached in a much-discussed New York magazine's The Cut, where the question was bluntly posted: will any of us survive the vibe shift?

Mysteriously in this regard, I have received, out of the blue, a new "Carlo and Leslie Dialogue" transcription from sources unknown that confronts these very questions. I don't know who sent or why, but obviously the world remembers vividly the first round of "dialogues" drawn from my ASIO files that I posted in 2015. Or possible the widely-lauded autobiographical account I published, The Tale of the Rollerskating Archaeologists. Could it be the CIA or Russian intelligence seeking to make an as-yet- unclear point?

I do not know. But there must be a reason so I provide it below. Shockingly, it's in a pub.

***

(10.08am. Carlo is at a table alone in an empty pub with a pint and a whisky in front of him, looking  quietly furious about something. Leslie walks up with a pint.)

CARLO: (surprised) WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

LESLIE: (sitting down) Just recovered from the plague.

CARLO: AGAIN?!? How many plagues can one man get? (Looks closer) Where are your buboes?

LESLIE: Not that plague. I haven't caught that one for centuries. I mean the latest one.

(Carlo looks blank)

LESLIE: You know, Covid.

(Carlo looks blank)

LESLIE: The pandemic that's been wreaking havok over the world for the past two years?

(Carlo looks blank)

LESLIE: The one that closed the pubs for extended periods.

CARLO: Oh is THAT what that was? I thought I was stuck in a recurring nightmare where each day I'd stumble to the pub only to find it shut and have to stumble back home. I thought maybe I was being punished by the Gods for cheating death again and was condemned to push my alcohol withdrawal-ravaged body up the hill only to go straight back down again every time. Like that other time with the rock.

LESLIE: No it was a public health measure. Though you could say that about anything that denies you entry to a licensed establishment. (Looks at Carlo) What are you so furious about anyway?

CARLO: (slams fist on table) THE FUCKING VIBE SHIFT!

LESLIE: Another one?

CARLO: Some hack journalist at the New York magazine wrote some piece about how they didn't realise a vibe shift was coming and they're terrified they won't survive and WHY THE FUCK DO THEY NEVER ASK ME ABOUT VIBE SHIFTS?

LESLIE: You have definitely survived quite a few.

CARLO: I can help! If only people would listen!

LESLIE: Reminds me of that time in mid-17th century England when you tried to warn King Charles I about the coming vibe shift.

CARLO: Exactly! He just told me to spend less time on Instagram obsessing about the latest fad in close cut hairstyles. No wonder he didn't survive!

LESLIE: He came round on the hair cuts in the end tho.

CARLO: Oh sure, as he was being led to the scaffolds he looked around and "You were right Carlo, just check out these roundhead styles, they're everywhere now". It was all too late!

LESLIE: Still you have to admit he had a point with his final words predicting the whole long curly hair look would be restored before long.

CARLO: I TOLD HIM THAT! WHY DO I NEVER GET ANY CREDIT?

LESLIE: Still I'm not sure anyone will survive this latest vibe shift. It's got a very "armaggedon" vibe.

CARLO: I SAID THAT! THE COMING VIBE IS TOTALLY ARMAGGEDON! DRESS FOR THE END TIMES! I'VE TOLD ANYONE WHO'LL LISTEN!

LESLIE: Yeah but that's me, and only because of that ancient curse I've never been able to get lifted, and the bar tender who just pretends to listen while begging you to pay your tab.

CARLO: Speaking of which, the bastard's cut me off again! (Points at his empty glasses). Your round.

LESLIE: There's a vibe that hasn't shifted for millenia.

CARLO: GET ME A FUCKING DRINK!

LESLIE: (sighing as he gets up) I really wish there were some sort of public advice on how to lift a druid's curse. But no, it's all "wear a mask" and "try not to die in the latest extreme weather event".

(heads off to the bar)

CARLO: (yelling after him) PINT WITH A DOUBLE WHISKEY! (to himself) Plague-ridden cad.

***

Other less crucial matters:



Global anti-war day of action

Student Strike for Climate March 25

On Redheads, Cycling And The Welsh: The Carlo And Leslie ASIO File Part 2

Yes it is what you have ALL been waiting for, without consciously knowing you were -- I have received the SECOND installment of my ASIO files, which I dutifully publish below, believing, as I do, in the principle of full transparency.

You should read the FIRST post on this, otherwise you simply won't have any clue what is going on. It follows directly on and it seems to me these security pricks have some sort of fetish with recording me in a pub with a bastard called "Leslie". Christ only knows why.

* * *

A pub.

[10.12AM, TUESDAY [DATE REDACTED] CARLO ARRIVES AGAIN AT THE [REDACTED] HOTEL JUST AFTER OPENING AND SITS WITH LESLIE AND STARTS DRINKING.]

CARLO: [sighs] Jesus.

LESLIE: Legal system bringing you down?

CARLO: Did you know they make you wear pants in court?

LESLIE: So I hear.

CARLO: Fucking fascism.

LESLIE: Your court case. It’s not the “killing redheads” thing again is it?

CARLO: Oh, no.

LESLIE: Coz they can’t usually survive in the environs north of Melbourne any way. And those redheads that do make it to adulthood have to stay indoors and move about through sewers.

CARLO: Sure that’s not vampires?

LESLIE: No, they are similar only vampires are more fundamentally moral. I should know, my own brother is beset with the redhead malady so I’ve always had to stay sharp and keep on top of their behaviours.

CARLO: YOU’RE RELATED TO ONE???

LESLIE: Yeah. So there's the whole thing where I carry the abomination in my blood too, but refuse to succumb. Like Blade.

CARLO: That’s some heavy shit, man. It’s such a controversial topic. Did you know some people actually consider it racist to kill a redhead?

LESLIE: That’s political correctness gone mad.

CARLO: I won't even kill them these days. It’s an OHS thing. You get all that infected blood on you and it takes forever to scrub off. It’s not like normal blood, it clings to the skin, like a worse-smalling napalm. I tell local councils they gotta do their own cleansing operations.

LESLIE: Fair enough too. Shit, what’s the time? I gotta get home to watch the Tour de France.

CARLO: The WHAT???

LESLIE: The cycling.

[pause]

CARLO: I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO NEVER MENTION THAT TWO-WHEELED DEVIL SPORT EVER AGAIN!

LESLIE: Yeah but that’s only coz you still can’t do it.

CARLO: I TOOK ALL THE SAME DRUGS AS LANCE ARMSTRONG! ALL THAT HAPPENED WAS I FELL OFF MY BIKE!

LESLIE: You shouldn’t have mixed it with all that red wine.

CARLO: That is where I usually go wrong with drugs. The point is WHERE IS MY BEER? YESTERDAY YOU PROMISED ME A FUCKING BEER!

LESLIE: Yeah, but ... the thing is..

CARLO: WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?

LESLIE: I’m broke. I can’t afford beer. I just said that to shut you up. Now I really gotta get home for the cycling...

CARLO: THIS IS JUST LIKE THE SIEGE OF TROY ALL OVER AGAIN!!!

LESLIE: No, come on … the siege of Troy is a very sensitive issue for me.

CARLO: Oh “come on Carlo, go invade Troy!” you said. “There is this girl named Helen held captive and she is the most beautiful woman ever,” you said. “I swear she's the one! Please Carlo, go and liberate her and I’ll BUY YOU A BEER!” you said. DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO BUILD THAT GIANT WOODEN HORSE!

LESLIE: Yeah well, I couldn’t have known she’d go running back to Menelaus. Never seemed a happy marriage. Still, it really didn’t help that the few times I got Helen alone, you invariably burst in shouting “where is my fucking beer!”

CARLO: What a great question! WHERE IS MY FUCKING BEER, RICHMOND?!

LESLIE: I was depressed by the Helen thing! It was a hard time for me! I dedicated myself to wearing black and listening to The Smiths, but black wasn't in fashion and The Smiths weren’t invented until 1983. It was a really hard few thousand years.

CARLO: WHERE. THE FUCK. IS. MY. BEER.

LESLIE: I can’t afford it.

CARLO: YOU LIED TO ME AGAIN!

LESLIE: How about tomorrow?

CARLO: Tomorrow?

LESLIE: Yeah, meet me here tomorrow and I’ll definitely buy you a beer.

CARLO: You’ll DEFINITELY buy me a beer tomorrow?

LESLIE: Absolutely. I'm off to watch the cycling. You coming?

CARLO: No, I think I’ll stay here, wait till that bastard at the next table turns his back, then nick his beer.

[LESLIE LEAVES. CARLO SPENDS THE REST OF THE DAY STEALING OTHER PEOPLE’S BEERS WHEN THEY ARE NOT LOOKING AND EVENTUALLY GETS THROWN OUT FOR A DRUNKEN RENDITION OF “DIRTY OLD TOWN”.]




'I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour...' He's singin' Leslie's song. STAY TUNED FOR MORE!

The Carlo and Leslie Dialogues: ASIO Transcripts Part 1

Now, everyone knows I'm a pretty important guy. Few things happen in the world of politics, high finance or pub trivia without Carlo Sands being consulted. So it struck me there could be no doubt those Pricks Who Govern Us would be monitoring my every move.

I've been thinking for some time of finally writing my much-anticipated memoirs, but then I figured… that’s a lot of work, why not just publish what these pricks have already recorded? And so I sent away for my ASIO file and received the answer: “TOP SECRET HIGHLY CLASSIFIED UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES TO BE RELEASED.”

This was perhaps to be expected, so I sent a text to an “associate” of mine who happens to hold a certain high up position within the Australian intelligence establishment in order to remind him of certain… favours I happen to render our American allies in 1971 in Laos during the Indochina war that should they… emerge... could prove a little unfortunate for more than one high profile figures in several countries.

The first installment of my files arrived in my inbox within the hour.

I poured over it and was a little stunned to discover it appears to consist of transcribed recordings of me in a pub… with the cad Leslie! Now the pub is unsurprising, but Leslie of all people? After what that cad did?

I guess they record everything and so this rare and bizarre occurrence got picked up with all the important things I do, which future files will no doubt reveal.

I was a bit disappointed, but as the alternative was to sit down and write my own fucking story myself, I have decided to publish the transcripts. This is the first of five installments. STAY TUNED FOR MORE! OR DON'T! I DON'T GIVE A FUCK I AM TOO IMPORTANT TO CARE!

* * *

A pub.

div>
[10:05AM, MONDAY [DATE REDACTED], TARGET CARLO SANDS MEETS TARGET LESLIE RICHMOND AT THE [REDACTED] HOTEL AT OPENING TIME. THEY START DRINKING BEER.]

CARLO: You know what?

LESLIE: What?

CARLO: I like beer.

LESLIE: You are a big fan of beer.

CARLO: But there's times when I think about ALL the beer I’ve drunk over all those years...

LESLIE: All throughout history.

CARLO: Over many millennia… and I think that if I had all that money I spent on all that beer … just imagine how much beer I could buy!

LESLIE: Quite a lot, definitely. Even taking into account inflation and rises in alcohol taxes, that's still a large amount of beer you could purchase.

CARLO: A fucking shitload.

LESLIE: It's the sort of figure that puts the otherwise disturbing global debt figures into context, for sure.

CARLO: I’d be set for years!

LESLIE: You could finally stop harassing other people to buy you beer all the time.

CARLO: Oh no! Just coz I’d be rich would be no reason to give up my favourite pastime!

LESLIE: It's caused you problems, though. Remember when you kept badgering Genghis Khan to buy you a beer? I don’t mind running, but an enraged Mongol horde gets up quite a head of speed.

CARLO: The man had no vision! I tried to tell him! All of this conquering and subjugating and establishing the largest contiguous land empire in human history stretching right across Asia into Central Europe, that’s one thing! But you want to think big! “Genghis,” I said, “you wanna invade and subjugate New Zealand! In about 800 years, they’ll make the Lord of the Rings films there and just think how rich you'll be with the royalties!”

LESLIE: He just kept repeating, “what’s New Zealand?” He never understood your strategic genius.

CARLO: AND THE BASTARD NEVER BOUGHT ME A FUCKING BEER!

LESLIE: In his defence, he also repeatedly said “what the hell is a pint of Guinness”?

CARLO: A MAN CAN NOT LIVE ON FERMENTED HORSE’S MILK ALONE! Now it has all come flooding back. Jesus. My machete-wielding arm is twitching. LET’S INVADE CENTRAL EUROPE!

LESLIE: No, come on. Not after the last disaster. Have another beer. You like beer.

CARLO: Yeah. Beer's nice.

LESLIE: Yeah. Have another.

CARLO: Yeah. So... can you buy me a beer?

LESLIE: [sigh] Why don’t you just do what you normally do? Wait till the guy at the next table turns his back, then nick his?

CARLO: It’s such a hassle! The bastards complain and there’s an argument and I have to get my machete out and then there’s a body to dispose of and it’s no longer in just one easy-to-move part, and I hate to piss off bartenders so JUST BUY ME A BEER, YOU BASTARD!

LESLIE: Ok. Look. I’ll buy you a beer, just promise we’ll definitely stay out of Central Europe?

CARLO: Well, ok, if you’ll buy me a … [Phone rings] Hang on. [Answers] Hello? WHAT THE FUCK? GO SCREW YOURSELF YOU USELESS MAGGOT-RIDDEN PILE OF FERMENTED RHINO SHIT! I’LL CHOP YOU INTO A THOUSAND PIECES AND FEED YOU TO YOUR OWN PRIZED COLLECTION OF RARE, ENDANGERED SPOTTED BUG-EYED PIRANHAS! What? Yep. Yeah, sure thing. No worries. Cool. I’ll see you there.

LESLIE: Who’s that?

CARLO: My lawyer. Reminding me I am due in court. I better get going … I have to find some rich guy and steal his suit.

[REST OF FILE REDACTED]




'I like drinking on a Monday morning...' STAY TUNED FOR MORE!