I received a note from a reader of this blog that raised some very serious questions - nay allegations - in relation to the service provided by the blog of google ads for the readers' shopping pleasure.
These said ads are in my humble opinion - and it is my fucking blog so my opinion is what fucking counts - one of this blog's most attractive features.
(Asides, that is, from my profile pic in the top right hand of the blog. I am told I remind people of a famous film star. I don't see it myself, but then I have never been a fan of Tom Hanks.)
There are so many advantages to the google ads, which you will find at the top of the blog just above the post.
A key one, besides the cash Carlo Sands earns, is the wide variety of automatically generated ads. Everything from "Beer" to "Spirits" to "Alcohol" to... all sorts of things.
Sometimes they go all left field and the ads will offer a range of seemingly random things, such as a series of NGO jobs: "Teach English", "NGO jobs", "NGO jobs in Kenya", "NGO jobs in Bangladesh".
There is always choice on offer, such as the time the two google ads on offer where "Humanitarian aid" and "Un humanitarian aid".
Choice is what this blog is all about and I am proud to provide ads that allow people to decide for themselves whether to help or hinder the less fortunate.
My personal favourite, though, was one automatically generated by my last post about Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow, which offered "Pirate Treasure Chests". I really think you cannot ask for more than this.
Some, it seems, disagree.
It is really hard to please some people, and Carlo Sands received the following disgruntled letter from a reader not at all satisfied with the results of clicking on a google ad.
I provide the letter below.
* * *
Dear Mr Sands,
I was perusing your most excellent blog whereupon I noticed a Google ad for "Binge Drinking". "Don't mind if I do", I thought to myself, and clicked, expecting a bounty of alcoholic options to be arrayed before me.
What I must ask you now is this: What are you playing at? What in the blazes do wedding photography, Floriade and Bob Jane T-mart have to do with binge drinking?
I expect you'll claim innocence, blaming Google or somesuch. I say this will not stand.
sincerely,
A disappointingly sober fan.
* * *
Calling the quality of Carlo Sands' google ads into question is no small matter. If the implications of this letter were true, it would be serious business indeed.
However, Carlo Sands feels greatly wronged. And therefore allow me to publish the following Open Letter to a Reader on the Crucial Question of Google Ads:
Dear A Disappointingly Sober Fan (and I agree it is a great disappointment to find you in such a state),
I mean, for christ's sake! Take a good look at yourself, Disappointingly Sober!
Most people in this world are too damn poor for google ads and you are whining that the one you clicked on didn't present you with choices you consider adequate!
Oh the shame of it.
Allow me to state what should be blindingly obvious: if you, Disappointingly Sober, require the assistance of google ads to partake in the joys of binge drinking, then I dare say you are doing it wrong!
What you do, for future reference, is walk to the fridge and/or cupboard, open the door and consume all the booze within.
Should such spaces be empty, then you open the front door, having picked up your wallet from wherever the fuck you said you liked to leave it in that pointless meme, and walk to a pub and/or bottle shop.
Then you buy as much booze as the contents of your wallet allow and drink it.
Now, can google ads play any role in this process? Yes, in two ways.
First, look at the wedding photography that so drew your ire. I mean, seriously look.
Keep looking. Avoid the temptation to avert your eyes or scratch them out. Do this for a good, say, 15 minutes.
Now, don't you feel an overwhelming urge to drink as much as you can as quickly as you can?
Try it with Bob Jane T-Mart. Maybe it wont work for you, but I gotta tell you, a Bob Jane T-Mart catalogue sure sends me running to LiquorLand for their strongest brew every fucking time.
The second way it assists is it generates cash for Carlo Sands and Carlo Sands spends that cash on booze.
He may be willing to buy you a drink out of the bounty, but not of you keep acting up like this.
Grow up, Disappointingly Sober! Stop blaming Carlo Sands and his google ads for any state of sobriety you find yourself in, get yourself some decent fucking booze and fucking DAMN WELL DRINK IT!!!
yours sincerely,
Carlo Sands
(deceased)
P.S.: Thank you for your support.
Showing posts with label Tom Hanks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Tom Hanks. Show all posts
Monday, October 11, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Wherever people long for freedom, Johnny Depp is there
Yes, it is all over the media.
The Greatest Actor of His Generation turned up at a British school in full pirate regalia after a young fan wrote to him seeking help to stage a “mutiny”.
“Beatrice Delap, nine, wrote to Captain Jack Sparrow — Depp's character in the Pirates Of The Caribbean movies — asking for help with an uprising against teachers at Meridian Primary School in Greenwich, south-east London”, ABC.net.au said.
“We are a bunch of budding young pirates and we were having a bit of trouble mutiny-ing against the teachers,” Delap wrote. “We’d love if you could come and help.”
Recognising that surprise is of the essence in a successful insurrection, Depp gave the school just 10 minutes notice of his visit in response to the call for assistance in the students’ liberation struggle.
Panicked, the school establishment called a hasty assembly, into which Depp strode in full pirate regalia, accompanied by four pirate offsiders. The students, we are told, burst into applause.
No doubt this ovation was also accompanied by many cries of “Long live the revolution!”, “Fourth graders united shall never be defeated!” and “To the wall, teacher scum!”
However, corporate media accounts omit any reference to such chants.
Despite the element of surprise, it turns out there was a turncoat in rebel ranks. Addressing the rebels, Depp was forced to advocate a tactical retreat: “Maybe we shouldn’t mutiny today because there are police outside monitoring me.”
This was a wise tactical move. With the forces of reaction mobilising their repressive apparatus against the rising in advance, the rebels were surrounded. A hasty rising in such circumstances could only lead to a bloodbath.
And a heroic but failed rising is of no use to anyone — unless you’re Irish, perhaps.
Far better to keep the powder dry, regroup, gather the forces, strengthen preparations and prepare to launch a successful insurrection tomorrow.
“So we’ll mutiny, take over the school and eat lots of candy till our teeth fall out.” Depp expounds the rebels’ action program.
Now there is more to Depp than his role as revolutionary leader. He also directed and starred in the clip below for the Shane MacGowan and the Popes song “That Woman Got Me Drinking” — an ode to the noble art of mending a broken heart with huge quantities of booze. (Of course, this features Shane MacGowan before he sold out and got his teeth fixed.)
“She said she’d always love me, she said I’d be the one. Now look at the way she treats me, just like a piece of scum. That woman’s got me drinking, look at the state I’m in. Give me one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten bottles of gin.”
From assisting primary schoolchildren in their bid to throw off their oppressors, to directing a clip celebrating binge drinking as a legitimate response to heart ache, to completely failing to win an Oscar despite being the greatest actor of his generation and despite Tom Fucking Hanks winning two... it seems there is truly nothing Johnny Depp cannot do.
And here, on this very blog, Carlo Sands has been kind enough to provide, in one single post, no less than two clips featuring Mr Depp.
And I do this entirely free of charge, purely out of passion for my work.
And all Carlo Sands asks in return is you have a look at the google ads kindly provided at the top of the page for your shopping pleasure, check them out, and, if you see anything like, give them a good click or two.
You'll find if you refresh the page, google kindly provides an entirely different set of ads — feel free to check them all out!
The Greatest Actor of His Generation turned up at a British school in full pirate regalia after a young fan wrote to him seeking help to stage a “mutiny”.
“Beatrice Delap, nine, wrote to Captain Jack Sparrow — Depp's character in the Pirates Of The Caribbean movies — asking for help with an uprising against teachers at Meridian Primary School in Greenwich, south-east London”, ABC.net.au said.
“We are a bunch of budding young pirates and we were having a bit of trouble mutiny-ing against the teachers,” Delap wrote. “We’d love if you could come and help.”
Recognising that surprise is of the essence in a successful insurrection, Depp gave the school just 10 minutes notice of his visit in response to the call for assistance in the students’ liberation struggle.
Panicked, the school establishment called a hasty assembly, into which Depp strode in full pirate regalia, accompanied by four pirate offsiders. The students, we are told, burst into applause.
No doubt this ovation was also accompanied by many cries of “Long live the revolution!”, “Fourth graders united shall never be defeated!” and “To the wall, teacher scum!”
However, corporate media accounts omit any reference to such chants.
Despite the element of surprise, it turns out there was a turncoat in rebel ranks. Addressing the rebels, Depp was forced to advocate a tactical retreat: “Maybe we shouldn’t mutiny today because there are police outside monitoring me.”
This was a wise tactical move. With the forces of reaction mobilising their repressive apparatus against the rising in advance, the rebels were surrounded. A hasty rising in such circumstances could only lead to a bloodbath.
And a heroic but failed rising is of no use to anyone — unless you’re Irish, perhaps.
Far better to keep the powder dry, regroup, gather the forces, strengthen preparations and prepare to launch a successful insurrection tomorrow.
“So we’ll mutiny, take over the school and eat lots of candy till our teeth fall out.” Depp expounds the rebels’ action program.
Now there is more to Depp than his role as revolutionary leader. He also directed and starred in the clip below for the Shane MacGowan and the Popes song “That Woman Got Me Drinking” — an ode to the noble art of mending a broken heart with huge quantities of booze. (Of course, this features Shane MacGowan before he sold out and got his teeth fixed.)
“She said she’d always love me, she said I’d be the one. Now look at the way she treats me, just like a piece of scum. That woman’s got me drinking, look at the state I’m in. Give me one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten bottles of gin.”
From assisting primary schoolchildren in their bid to throw off their oppressors, to directing a clip celebrating binge drinking as a legitimate response to heart ache, to completely failing to win an Oscar despite being the greatest actor of his generation and despite Tom Fucking Hanks winning two... it seems there is truly nothing Johnny Depp cannot do.
And here, on this very blog, Carlo Sands has been kind enough to provide, in one single post, no less than two clips featuring Mr Depp.
And I do this entirely free of charge, purely out of passion for my work.
And all Carlo Sands asks in return is you have a look at the google ads kindly provided at the top of the page for your shopping pleasure, check them out, and, if you see anything like, give them a good click or two.
You'll find if you refresh the page, google kindly provides an entirely different set of ads — feel free to check them all out!
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Carlo Sands has returned from exile
I am sorry to the legions of Carlo Sands fans out there for the delay since my last post.
Yes I got all of you desperate emails begging for me to return.
No it is probably best if I don't send any of you my underwear, please don't ask again, it is a little weird.
Forget all the media rumours and speculation (to set the record straight I have only met Amy Winehouse once or twice and she seemed a wonderful young woman).
The real story is I have only just got out of rehab with Ben Cousins.
And talk about media bullshit. Can they get anything right?
How wrong could they be about Cousin's infamous stay in LA at the end of last year? For a start, I am neither blonde nor a woman.
The real story of Benny's LA lost weekend remains untold, and it is a story I will take with me to the grave. Depending on the size of ACA's cheque book.
So anyway, I managed to get my passport returned and I am back in action.
So what has been happening while I was otherwise preoccupied?
There is a God!
Definitive proof has been found of the existence of a higher being.
It has come in the form of Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
As soon as I heard the full details of this film, I converted the nearest religious institution, which happened to be Jainist.
(Don't ask me what that is, I left as soon as I read their wiki page and saw them described as "the most literate religious community" — I mean who the fuck still reads things, don't they have DVD players?)
This is the film I have waited my entire life for.
Yes, that right, my entire life.
When I was born, my first words were: “When is Johnny Depp going to star alongside Helena Bonham Carter in a Tim Burton gothic horror musical set in 19th Century London about a serial killing barber based on one of the most famous penny dreadfuls — with Alan Rickman playing the evil judge? Coz That would be fucking cool!”
And it is.
My whole life, just waiting for a film with Johnny Depp and Helena Bohnam Carter playing both leads (Corpses Bride not withstanding — it was animated).
Add to it all the other factors and it was simply impossible this film could have failed. It was destined from its inception to be brilliant.
And it is.
Utterly brilliant.
There ain't no Devil there's just God when he's drunk
... as the Great Man once said.
In this world, nothing good happens that isn't followed by something horrific.
Love is followed by heartache. Drunkenness by hangovers.
And brilliant films and acting performances by NO FUCKING OSCARS!!!
That is right, at the 80th Academy Awards, Johnny Depp was robbed yet again!
What has this guy got to do? Greatest fucking actor of his generation and not one Oscar. For god's sake, Tom Hanks has won two!!!
Does anyone else spot the completely fucked thing in this picture?
What sort of world are we living in? Knowledge like this makes it truly hard to go on.
Even worse, Helena Bohnam Carter was not even nominated for best supporting actress. Did the judges even watch the film?
There is something very very wrong here.
The Academy should all be ashamed of themselves.
Carlo Sands does not approve.
Yes I got all of you desperate emails begging for me to return.
No it is probably best if I don't send any of you my underwear, please don't ask again, it is a little weird.
Forget all the media rumours and speculation (to set the record straight I have only met Amy Winehouse once or twice and she seemed a wonderful young woman).
The real story is I have only just got out of rehab with Ben Cousins.
And talk about media bullshit. Can they get anything right?
How wrong could they be about Cousin's infamous stay in LA at the end of last year? For a start, I am neither blonde nor a woman.
The real story of Benny's LA lost weekend remains untold, and it is a story I will take with me to the grave. Depending on the size of ACA's cheque book.
So anyway, I managed to get my passport returned and I am back in action.
So what has been happening while I was otherwise preoccupied?
There is a God!
Definitive proof has been found of the existence of a higher being.
It has come in the form of Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
As soon as I heard the full details of this film, I converted the nearest religious institution, which happened to be Jainist.
(Don't ask me what that is, I left as soon as I read their wiki page and saw them described as "the most literate religious community" — I mean who the fuck still reads things, don't they have DVD players?)
This is the film I have waited my entire life for.
Yes, that right, my entire life.
When I was born, my first words were: “When is Johnny Depp going to star alongside Helena Bonham Carter in a Tim Burton gothic horror musical set in 19th Century London about a serial killing barber based on one of the most famous penny dreadfuls — with Alan Rickman playing the evil judge? Coz That would be fucking cool!”
And it is.
My whole life, just waiting for a film with Johnny Depp and Helena Bohnam Carter playing both leads (Corpses Bride not withstanding — it was animated).
Add to it all the other factors and it was simply impossible this film could have failed. It was destined from its inception to be brilliant.
And it is.
Utterly brilliant.
There ain't no Devil there's just God when he's drunk
... as the Great Man once said.
In this world, nothing good happens that isn't followed by something horrific.
Love is followed by heartache. Drunkenness by hangovers.
And brilliant films and acting performances by NO FUCKING OSCARS!!!
That is right, at the 80th Academy Awards, Johnny Depp was robbed yet again!
What has this guy got to do? Greatest fucking actor of his generation and not one Oscar. For god's sake, Tom Hanks has won two!!!
Does anyone else spot the completely fucked thing in this picture?
What sort of world are we living in? Knowledge like this makes it truly hard to go on.
Even worse, Helena Bohnam Carter was not even nominated for best supporting actress. Did the judges even watch the film?
There is something very very wrong here.
The Academy should all be ashamed of themselves.
Carlo Sands does not approve.
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