Sunday, June 12, 2022

Why We Must Declare Full-Scale War On The Suburb of Clyde

There's only so much provocation the civilised world can stand. Only so many insults to decency and humanity that those guided by such values can be expected to tolerate before they stand up and declare: ENOUGH!

This is why we must invade Clyde.

In regards to that disgraceful suburb in the Greater Western Sydney region, 21 kilometres west of the Sydney CBD, the time for talking is past. We must act or regret our inaction for eternity.

Some may ask: why? Surely whatever Clyde has done there's more important issues. Runaway climate change, war crimes from Ukraine to Yemen, the despairing state of the Western Sydney Wanderers. Why Clyde?

Those who ask such questions do not live in Granville, next door to Clyde. They do not have the lived experience of being Clyde's neighbour. Such voices should check their privilege and create space for those of us who do!

Some of us actually have to live with the consequences of Clyde. Allow me to educate you.

Clyde is a suburb with it's own train station. Yes, you say, it serves as a junction for the Western and Inner West train lines with the Carlingford line, taking commuters northward through Rosehill all the way to Calingford itself. 

Such an observation merely displays your ignorance! The Carlingford line closed in January 2020.

Now, we can all agree that fact is symbolic of the criminal neglect of Sydney's public transport infrastructure by successive state governments. Yet it remains a fact that Clyde is no longer a junction to anywhere!

No matter, you say, there must be heaps of people living in Clyde who depend on the station. What has this station got to do with your calls to bomb the place into oblivion then occupy it indefinitely with a large-scale multinational ground force?

How little you know! The residential population of Clyde is zero.

No one, according to the official statistics, actually lives there. Not a soul! Yet it has it's own train station.

And yes, it is an industrial area. Probably some people get trains to work and back. But enough to warrant a station at which almost all trains heading to Granville see fit to stop?

I think not.

Yet every evening the good citizens of Granville are being delayed by up to 2 or even 3 minutes on their trips home from work. This affects many dozens of people. Hundreds! After a 35-minute train ride from Central, the final leg is prolonged unnecessarily by a stop at a station in a suburb in which no one fucking lives.

OK, you say, that sounds a bit annoying for Granville, but surely a UN Security Council-sanctioned full-scale war to wipe the place off the face of the Earth is an over-reaction.

But here's the thing. No one lives in Clyde, and yet each evening people get off at the stop. I see them each night! They can't all be going to work in one of the industrial complexes at 6 in the evening, so where are they going?

I will tell you what all Granville knows. There is a secret suburb in Clyde set up underground, away from society's prying eyes. It is the only logical explanation and an open secret in Sydney planning departments, despite their official silence.

So what are the furtive residents of Clyde doing down there?

No one knows. Or if they do, they aren't talking. 

There have been several expeditionary forces from Granville seeking to infiltrate Clyde's hidden bases, yet none have succeeded. The few who made it back alive refuse to talk. What can be said is each one returned changed and not for the better.

Whatever it is these Clyde people are up to, it is clearly unspeakable. Otherwise why the secrecy and heavy defences? 

Anyone who has looked into the eyes of a traumatised survivor of an attempted Clyde raid knows this fundamental truth: Clyde must be stopped by the civilised world, or the civilised world has no right to call itself such.

There is always a human cost to war and there will be lives lost. But history's cruel accounting will record that the costs of doing nothing are far higher.

We must act! For Granville, for the world, for our children and for the future of human civilisation and for basic common decency! Members of the UN Security Council must put aside their differences and offer united support for immediate military action. 

We must prepare the carpet bombing campaign and mass the troops on the Granville border in preparation for a military occupation to break Clyde's resistance so that we can finally put an end to this madness! ENOUGH!

Sunday, March 20, 2022

A night on the Granville tiles

If there's one thing you need in a pub, it's to be left alone while you doom scroll your phone. That's a dream harder in the pokies dens with an obligatory bar tacked on that dominate Sydney's sprawling suburbia.

Living in Granville, you have a choice of three such places and last Wednesday evening I hit the Granville Hotel for a beer before doing some shopping. In the small box that serves as a smoking area, my in-depth investigation of the multitude of views on offer on the matter of Russia's on Ukraine in my algorithm-driven Facebook feed was interrupted by an old heavily tattooed bloke who wanted to talk about his various pokies wins and losses. 

He was quite sanguine about some eye-watering highs and lows, and appreciative that after winning big and shouting an entire pub in Fairfield one time, the next time he saw anyone there, they shouted him back. 

Human solidarity is a wonderful thing, but I really just wanted to solve the Ukraine crisis in my head before picking up some cat food from the supermarket, so I finished my beer and left. Not before world-famous filmmaker Zeb messaged that he was coming back from work and did I want a beer.

So after shopping, I headed across the rail lines (noting the train timetable screens, which were showing no trains and no times, as is now the Sydney norm) to the Royal Hotel. 

Attempts to not engage with anyone immediately hit a rock when the enthusiastic athletic looking bloke who poured my beer declared, after seeing my details when I swiped my members card, said "oh you're the guy whose signed up for the footy tipping!"

This was unfortunately true. I'd even paid $20 to do it. This came about due to a misunderstanding a week earlier when I wanted to become a member for the cheaper beer. But as I was using Zeb's membership card, the bartender thought as I was already a member and was asking to join the tipping comp. Being too awkward to stop what was happening, I just paid the $20 then had to ask to become a member anyway as you need your members number to take part in the comp.

I grew up in Perth and follow AFL. NRL barely enters my conciousnes. But the bar tender who'd just discovered I'd signed up was extremely keen and made sure I swipe my card on the thing you have to do you can enter your tips. Anyway, I got 7 our of 8 tips right in round 1, denied the full sweep only by the West Tigers upset over Melbourne Storm. (We'll not discuss round 2.)

Having swiped the magic thing that let me enter tips, we retreated to what they call their beeer garden, a narrow enclosed strip about twice the size of the Granville Hotel's smoking area without any of the plant life that usually goes along with things with "garden" in their name.

And there we minded out own business, probably did what anyone whose spent too long on the left does and complained about the left while solving the Ukraine situation (not that we'll get any credit).

Until we were interrupted by a young bloke asking to borrow a light who was clearly affected by more than the beer in his hand. He was all "hepped up", as the kids say, on unsteady but hyper and throwing a few punches in the air like oxygen offended him. An older guy he was drinking with came up too. Lex, as he found out his name was, was a retired truckie filled with unnerving stories about all the speed he snorted so he could drive a semitrailer from Sydney to Darwin in 60 hours straight.

Lex, hopefully, was only on beer. seeing as he was turning 70 the next day and had survived three heart attacks. The only shocking thing, listening to his stories, was that he'd survived at all. Lex went off to get him and his young friend another beer and the young guy wandered off looking semi-steady.

The young guy came back before long totell us he thought something was gonna kick off and what would we do if it did? I suggested we'd probably stay right here in our corner and he gave a laugh in a "fair enough" kinda way.

Now I should point out that this young guy, Lex, myself and Zeb are all white. Granville, however, is not a very white place. The last census, for instance, found one on in five households spoke English at home. Most people who drink at the Royal are not white but from the subcontinent.

And nothing was said that night to make it explicit there was any racial element to what followed but ...well nothing was said to say it wasn't either. You spend enough time in pubs in largely non-wtie areas as white guy and you soon learn from other white guys exact what they think about the racial composition of the particular locality. Not. of course. all white guys (don't send me death threats).

Before long, a group of 7 or 8 men of subcontinent bsckground came out to the "beer garden" and this guy went straight up them, joined their group and at first seemed to be cracking mutually appreciated jokes. It looked jovial, they were laughing and he was smiling and then, out of nowhere, they went for him.

Siddenly, bodies were flying across the "beer garden". The brawl was brutally one-sided asthree or four of these guys just pummeled the instigator. They got him up against a wall as he desperately tried to fight his corner, then onto the ground as they whacked and kicked. Whatever he said to trigger the fight definitely did the trick.

The bouncer came out to break it up, while the guy lay there getting hit with this grin on his face like he'd got what he wanted and was enjoying it. The bouncer looked down at him wearily, as if to say "again? why are you like this?" He was picked up and ejected, while the group who were hammering him went inside -- the bouncer didn't seem to bothered by them but I'm not sure if they had to leave too. 

As this was happening, Lex had re-emerged with a schooner in each hand, and stooed watching the scene with a bemused look. As the guy were taken out, Lex came up to ask what the fuck just happened? I said we didn't really know but, pointing to one ofhis  two schooners, said at least he'd got another beer to drink.

Lex look forlornly at the extra schooner and said: "But I don't drink New!"

Well to cut the story short, Lex told more horror stories about his days as a trucker, like the time he nearly died when he rolled his semitrailer while off his face. Then finishing his beer, he reluctantly picked up the schooner of New, took a sip, grimaced but decided he could stomach it after all.

Then we went left and I went home -- a place where the threat of violence comes from the cat and at least he doesn't talk much.

The source of backyard violence.

Wednesday, March 02, 2022

The Carlo and Leslie Dialogues: On the matter of the vibe shift

Well I am sure with all that is going on in the world, the greatest issue all humanity faces is whether we are indeed in the midst of yet another vibe shift. This crucial issue of whether trends in popular culture were changing was bravely broached in a much-discussed New York magazine's The Cut, where the question was bluntly posted: will any of us survive the vibe shift?

Mysteriously in this regard, I have received, out of the blue, a new "Carlo and Leslie Dialogue" transcription from sources unknown that confronts these very questions. I don't know who sent or why, but obviously the world remembers vividly the first round of "dialogues" drawn from my ASIO files that I posted in 2015. Or possible the widely-lauded autobiographical account I published, The Tale of the Rollerskating Archaeologists. Could it be the CIA or Russian intelligence seeking to make an as-yet- unclear point?

I do not know. But there must be a reason so I provide it below. Shockingly, it's in a pub.


(10.08am. Carlo is at a table alone in an empty pub with a pint and a whisky in front of him, looking  quietly furious about something. Leslie walks up with a pint.)


LESLIE: (sitting down) Just recovered from the plague.

CARLO: AGAIN?!? How many plagues can one man get? (Looks closer) Where are your buboes?

LESLIE: Not that plague. I haven't caught that one for centuries. I mean the latest one.

(Carlo looks blank)

LESLIE: You know, Covid.

(Carlo looks blank)

LESLIE: The pandemic that's been wreaking havok over the world for the past two years?

(Carlo looks blank)

LESLIE: The one that closed the pubs for extended periods.

CARLO: Oh is THAT what that was? I thought I was stuck in a recurring nightmare where each day I'd stumble to the pub only to find it shut and have to stumble back home. I thought maybe I was being punished by the Gods for cheating death again and was condemned to push my alcohol withdrawal-ravaged body up the hill only to go straight back down again every time. Like that other time with the rock.

LESLIE: No it was a public health measure. Though you could say that about anything that denies you entry to a licensed establishment. (Looks at Carlo) What are you so furious about anyway?

CARLO: (slams fist on table) THE FUCKING VIBE SHIFT!

LESLIE: Another one?

CARLO: Some hack journalist at the New York magazine wrote some piece about how they didn't realise a vibe shift was coming and they're terrified they won't survive and WHY THE FUCK DO THEY NEVER ASK ME ABOUT VIBE SHIFTS?

LESLIE: You have definitely survived quite a few.

CARLO: I can help! If only people would listen!

LESLIE: Reminds me of that time in mid-17th century England when you tried to warn King Charles I about the coming vibe shift.

CARLO: Exactly! He just told me to spend less time on Instagram obsessing about the latest fad in close cut hairstyles. No wonder he didn't survive!

LESLIE: He came round on the hair cuts in the end tho.

CARLO: Oh sure, as he was being led to the scaffolds he looked around and "You were right Carlo, just check out these roundhead styles, they're everywhere now". It was all too late!

LESLIE: Still you have to admit he had a point with his final words predicting the whole long curly hair look would be restored before long.


LESLIE: Still I'm not sure anyone will survive this latest vibe shift. It's got a very "armaggedon" vibe.


LESLIE: Yeah but that's me, and only because of that ancient curse I've never been able to get lifted, and the bar tender whojust pretends to listen while begging you to pay your tab.

CARLO: Speaking of which, the bastard's cut me off again! (Points at his empty glasses). Your round.

LESLIE: There's a vibe that hasn't shifted for millenia.


LESLIE: (sighing as he gets up) I really wish there were some sort of public advice on how to lift a druid's curse. But no, it's all "wear a mask" and "try not to die in the latest extreme weather event".

(heads off to the bar)

CARLO: (yelling after him) PINT WITH A DOUBLE WHISKEY! (to himself) Plague-ridden cad.


Other less crucial matters:

Global anti-war day of action

Student Strike for Climate March 25

Thursday, February 10, 2022

Courtney Marie Andrews: a threat to Community Standards?

The notorious Courtney Marie Andrews

It is easy to assume the doomsayers are wrong about the dangers we face from unaccountable multinationals controlling huge chunks of our lives. That they need to chill with their weird conspiracies about corporations "cynicaly weilding power for their own malign ends" or "not paying taxes".

And then you get with a 3-day ban for posting a song and some lyrics from Grammy-nominated country folk singer Courtney Marie Andrews (who is touring Australia in March) and you realise dystopia's not just here, it's got a long-term lease and hasn't even forked out for the bond!

For context, my 3-day ban was on the heels of a 1-day ban for some equally harmless comment misunderstood by whatever AI systems Facebook employs. This presumably caused its robots to then scour other recent comments and the phrase "ugly Americans" tripped it's "UNACCEPTABLE!" wire.

I appealed both bans -- my heart filled with hope that my cry for justice would be heard! My pleas of innocence were cruelly denied.

I faced a choice. 

For myself, I'm not bothered. I've been banned before and no doubt will face the censor's wrath once more. I'll cope without Facebook for three days, I've got plenty of beer.

But... Courtney Marie Andrews?

I mean.... Courtney Marie Andrews? 

Courtney Marie Andrews violated community guidelines???

What the fuck?

Courtney Marie Andrews of Phoenix, Arizona may be known for many things (mostly tender lyrics over sweet-yet-melancholic folky tunes), but "violating community guidelines" via hate speech is not usually considered one of them.

A line must be drawn. If we have no freedom to get drunk and post sad country songs on Facebook for our so-called friends to politiely ignore, then what have we become?

So I took it to the highest court available: Facebook's Oversight Board.

This secretive body, to which you can request taken-down content be restored, gives you 2 weeks to issue an appeal that will be considered final. Also, they explain they probably won't even see it as only "a small number" of appeals are even looked at.

It's like Mark Zuckerberg looked around for the world's most absurd appeals processes and settled on the Australian immigration system.

Yet I made my case with the passion and self-belief of a man convinced that appeals to the ways quality songwriting in the country-folk tradition profoundly advance humanity cannot fail!

Asked to explain my appeal, I exposed the ridiculous falsehood and slander directed towards Courtney Marie Andrews' 2018 track "How Quickly Your Heart Mends".

Yes the Community Standards say hate speech includes speech directed at groups of people based on "Physical appearance, including, but not limited to: ugly, hideous."

And yes, Courtney Marie Andrews sings:
The jukebox is playin' a sad country song
For all the ugly Americans
Now I feel like one of them
Dancin' alone and broken by the freedom
But it is obvious this is not about all Americans, just those the character in whose voice she is singing views as ugly in a metaphorical sense. And that the character explicitly includes themselves in that category! Do Facebook AI programs not even understand what metaphorical means?

I did not hold back! Asked to explain the social significance of the content I wished restored, I quoted no less an authority than Tom Waits himself (who's "Downtown Train" Courtney Marie Andrews has so beautifully covered):
“The world is a hellish place, and bad writing is destroying the quality of our suffering.”

It is an objective fact that surely even the Oversight Board must recognise that Courtney Marie Andrews does the opposite!

The ball is now in their court. I do not wish to prejudice judicial procedings so I will simply state: if justice is not rendered in ths case then all honest-hearted global citizens must reluctantly conclude that, despite it's public statements, Facebook does not indeed have our best interests at heart.

Finally, because I believe people should make up their own minds, I remind you that Courtney Marie Andrews is touring Australia in March. For now, here is a playlist of her songs, starting with her most offensive ever. TRIGGER WARNING: Some are heartfelt.