Wednesday, September 11, 2019

Leaked Transcript Of Donald Trump Sacking John Bolton

Donald Trump has sacked his National Security Adviser John Bolton, apparently over conflicting view on whether to bomb all things or just most things in the world. As one of the world's most famous whistleblowing sites, An Alcoholic's Guide To Modern Life has acquired a secretly record transcript of the meeting. In the interests of transparency, AAGTML publishes it below.


[The Oval Office, West Wing, The White House.]

DONALD TRUMP: [Speaking with mouth full] Wow this filet-o-fish is great. They're the best, I order them all the time, I make the best orders. Take a seat John, just move those filet-o-fish wrappers. Thanks for coming to this meeting, I hold the best meetings, they're great, people talk about them, they say "the president's meetings are great", I mean not in the fake news media, they hate greatness, but people know, they do, they come up to me and thank me for my service, they say I'm doing a great job. So I'm glad you came.

JOHN BOLTON: No problem, Mr President.

TRUMP: What was that? I can't hear you through that thing on your face. I gotta tell you John, your moustache is not great, it's not great at all, and I need my people to be, well not as great as me, but great.

BOLTON: I'm sorry Mr President.

TRUMP: OK don't worry about it, we can't all be great. [Into speaker phone] Can I get another filet-o-fish up here? With an extra filet? John, do you know why I called you here?

BOLTON: To discuss who to bomb.

TRUMP: John, I asked you to prepare a detailed briefing paper on the global geopolitical situation in relation to the strategic threats to blah blah blah something whatever. Now I got it here somewhere [sounds of rustling paper] sorry, it's got a little tartar sauce on it, but I had one of my people read it, they're great readers, the best. I only hire the best. They tell me it's got two words on it. It just says "bomb them!"

BOLTON: That's right Mr President.

TRUMP: John, you're my National Security Adviser. I ask you for advice. Your advice is always "Bomb them!"

BOLTON: That's right Mr President.

TRUMP: But bomb who?

BOLTON: Them, Mr President. Bomb them!

TRUMP: Who, Venezuela?

BOLTON: Bomb them.

TRUMP: Iran? North Korea?

BOLTON: Bomb them.

TRUMP: Japan?

BOLTON: Bomb them.

TRUMP: Look John, I'd love to bomb Japan, my TV show ratings were terrible there, really terrible, they got terrible taste in TV, it'd be great. But my guys tell me we're allies. And my guys are great, the best.

BOLTON: Bomb them.

TRUMP: What, bomb my guys? John you're not thinking straight. That facial hair can't help. Look, I'm with you. I love bombing things. And our bombs are great, we do the best bombings. Iran, their bombs are terrible, they're terrible bombers. The Saudis, they're alright, but they're our bombs. We sell them the bombs, we do the best deals on bombs. But John, I'm a businessman, I do deals, I do great deals, everyone says so. But you can't do deals with rubble, believe me I tried. It doesn't work.

BOLTON: Bomb them.

TRUMP: John, my maths guys tell me, and I got the best maths guys, really, they tell me if I follow your advice I'll run out of bombs by next Tuesday. You can't reuse bombs, believe me I looked into it, they tell me you can't. And you can't make America great without bombs. I run out of bombs, they'll say look at Trump, he's got no bombs, he's weak, his terrible, he's the worst. No bombs at all. How will I fight the hurricanes?

BOLTON: Bomb them.

TRUMP: John, can I ask you a question?

BOLTON: Anything Mr President.

TRUMP: Can you shave off that stupid moustache?

BOLTON: Never.

TRUMP: You're fired. I can't have a guy working for me looking like a deformed walrus from some animal freak show! People will say "That Trump, he hangs out with the deformed walrus guy!" You're gone, get out of here.

BOLTON: It was my honour to serve you, Mr President. [Sounds of footsteps and a door closing]

TRUMP: [Calling] And don't bomb anything on your way out! This is my house! It's a great house, the best. What a stupid moustache. (Into speaker phone) Hey where's my filet-o-fish? I'm starving, I can't tweet on an empty stomach! Get me a 12 packer of McNuggets too. They're great, the best. And ask my guys again if they sure we can't bomb Japan?

Tuesday, September 10, 2019

For god's sake, just let the unemployed get as trashed as they fucking want

Of all the points raised by the federal government's latest bid to drug test welfare recipients, no one seems willing to say the obvious: for fuck's sake, just let the unemployed get munted!

Honestly, if you're not going to provide any fucking jobs (and there is one job for every 15 job seekers, and that's going on the understated official stats) and you also subject those without a job to well below poverty line incomes, then also subject them to a cruel bureaucracy that docks their shitty pay if they breath irregularly, then at the very fucking least let them pull a few fucking cones to cope.

Who are they actually hurting if somehow, out of their poverty pay, they manage to score?

Yet almost no one opposing drug testing welfare recipients dares raise this point.

It is all "oh people who are addicted need help, not punishment!" And yeah, the resources for people who need treatment for problematic drug use are severely lacking, and this is a scandal and an example of the hypocrisy of this government and emptiness of rhetoric about "dealing with drug addiction".

And yeah, testing such people if they are on payments, potentially cutting off their very meagre source of income, is a recipe for disaster as well as unspeakably cruel.

Details of the welfare testing bill. Image via 
@carlatreloar / twitter.
But there is a huge fact no one wants to talk about: the vast majority of people who use drugs, legal or illicit, whether they are employed or unemployed, do not have a "problem" that needs treating.

They just like to get off their fucking faces when the opportunity arises, and why the fuck not seeing as we are rapidly heading towards an ecoholocaust destroying the basis of the planet to sustain human civilisation?

Anyone who doesn't need to escape this reality in some way is probably a psychopath directly profiting from the destruction, and let's face it, those pricks surely have access to some very pure, high quality narcotics to abuse to their shrivelled, black hearts' content.

The poor, on the other hand, are just not allowed to have fun.

They are not allowed to escape the nightmare other, more powerful people, have built for them.

At very best they get to be "deserving victims", poor "addicts" who need saving.

What seems beyond the popular imagination is the idea that maybe they have the same fucking right to get out of their skulls from time to time as anyone else in this God forsaken "society".

When not talking about the poor addicts needing saving, opponents of drug testing welfare recipients like to point out the blindingly obvious: those on the dole can not afford to eat properly, much less buy drugs.

This, as opponents of drug testing point out, is proven by the testing of sewerage in Australian cities (which shows it is rich suburbs that actually use the most drugs, unsurprising as drugs actually cost money), and by the fact that when this was trialled in New Zealand, only 0.3% of welfare recipients tested in 2017/18 returned positive results.

But what no one else seems willing to say is that this is a fucking disgraceful state of affairs! This surely is as strong an argument as any to back the campaign to raise the rate of Newstart, so the unemployed can actually afford some drugs. This would be good for the  economy, as more money would flow to hard working small businesspeople such as local dealers.

Plus, if anyone deserves to get as wasted as humanly possible, it is the unemployed! It is poor bastards forced to deal with the dystopian "job network providers", who don't provide jobs but do specialising in torturing those laughingly called "job seekers" (despite their being fuck all jobs to seek) while taking huge hand outs of tax payers money.

That is, these "providers" bludge off the taxpayer (by more than $1.5 billion), which is the very thing those who hate the unemployed complain about most. This is ironic seeing as, by available evidence, no one hates the unemployed more than these "bludging of the tax payer" job network providers!

It's not easy trying to live on the dole. My housemate is on the dole, and I'm not saying he takes any opportunity to smoke himself into a total stupor. Hell no! He often bakes space cake as an alternative way to achieve oblivion.

And here we get to a further, but rarely raised, hypocrisy. Whether your "poison", as the kids say, is a legal and socially acceptable drug or not.

It should be obvious from the title of this blog that my preference is soaking my liver in non-medically recommended ways. But alcohol is hardly a "better" drug. It is just one that is socially acceptable, and legal as a result of pure historical chance.

I work in the area of harm reduction for people who use drugs. I work with people, and I mean as colleagues not "poor souls to be saved", who, for instance, are frequent users of ice, are former users of ice, and are sometimes users of ice. The same with heroin.

And the difference with this and my experience of working with people who frequently drink too much, who used to drink too much, and who sometimes drink too much is... nothing at all.  People can fuck themselves up with intoxicants, find some balance that works, actually be more functional due to some level.of use, and every other variant relating to intoxicants. Our society, from top to bottom, is riddled with unthinking hypocrisy about intoxicants.

So we have a double whammy of stigma and discrimination.

If you are poor, you are demonised. And if you use the "wrong" drugs, you are demonised, plus face potential legal threats. And if you do both, well may the Good Lord have mercy on your soul coz you are pretty fucking screwed.

For fuck's sake... just let the poor get wasted. If only because, whatever else, without their coping mechanism, they will probably get quite violent. And frankly, so they fucking should.

I only had a couple drinks last night 
And few good hits from an antler pipe
And I must admit, I had a few white lines 
And I don't know what all happened...
Ah, the West Virginia-bred saviour of country music Tyler Childers singing a song for our times. 

Monday, September 09, 2019

I Didn't Support Brexit Until I Read This Story About Trial By Combat Being Ruled Out By A Court

A depiction of trial by combat in Augsburg in 1409.
My political assessment, from Australia, of the whole "Brexit" thing has been to fall out of my chair laughing as the so-called "United" Kingdom rips itself apart in a display of slapstick comedy not seen on the world stage since... no, this particular act of national suicide is actually pretty unprecedented. 

Then I remember that there are real lives at stake and the most vulnerable -- the poorest and especially migrants -- are victims of this cruel farce. And I nod solemnly at how terrible it is. Then I burst out laughing again.

I'm sorry, it's objectively funny. It just is.

I mean we get to watch Boris Johnson be humiliated in ever more extreme ways every single day. And yes it's sad that huge numbers of people are getting screwed along the way, but honestly Ireland is kinda used to it by now and if you remove that tsunami of human misery from the equation, then you've got yourself some wholesome family entertainment called "Watch The Failing Toff Fall On His Face Again".

And look, I don't even like the European Union. It is a deeply undemocratic neoliberal torture house, as any Greek can tell you. I have zero love for it.

But responding with Brexit is like trying to get over a dose of the flu by injecting yourself with rabies.

And yes, here in Australia we are hardly in any position to laugh, having re-elected a government so insanely cruel, so avant garde with their torture regime, that Donald Trump shook his head in wonder and declared: "You're worse than I am!"  Like, really

But still.

My point is I have looked at Brexit with a kind of wonder usually reserved for winners of the Darwin Awards. It wasn't something I could understand in any rational way.

I mean come on! Britain... Britain!...whinging about sovereignty??? They colonised huge chunks of every single continent!

And democracy??? Every law has to pass an unelected upper house and be signed into law by a born-to-rule inbred German! It doesn't pass the "this is batshit insane" test.

Then I read one story that totally changed my perspective.

Before now, I never understood what true national oppression looked like. I could not grasp at how stifling and humiliating it is to have your culture, practised for centuries, squashed without a second thought by some overpaid bureaucrat in Brussels!

Not until I read the story about how some court had ruled that a decent English mechanic had his God given right as an Englishman to have his legal matters settled by the long-standing tradition of Trial By Combat ruled out by a court of law!!!

Trial By Combat, for those millennials too obsessed with which ever Kardashian they are following on Instagram to know, is a way of resolving a legal dispute by means of a fight to the death between the defendant (or any champion he or she appoints to represent them in the fight) and the prosecutor (or any champion they may chose to employ). 

It has been practised in the once proud nation of England ever since 1066!!! Banning it is truly political correctness gone made, by any definition!

And some pedants will say, but this was a ruling by a British court, and anyway, it was introduced by the Norman Conquest of England by a bunch of Frenchmen, and also trial by combat was widespread across Europe as part of the feudal order that was part of Germanic law, but that is not the point!

The point is everyone knows the snowflakes of the European Court of Human Rights hate tradition! The British court in question must have known, when they made their ruling, that the ECHR would rule it out, while everyone know they allow beheadings and suicide bombings to take place every day under Sharia Law! 

Just read this!

Mechanic Demanded Trial by Combat in Response to Parking Ticket

It’s safe to say that no one likes getting a ticket. But in England, a Suffolk mechanic, Leon Humphreys, then 60, took a next-level approach to challenging his $32 (£25) ticket in 2002, issued for failing to notify the Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency (DVLA) that his motorcycle was off the road.
Leon Humphreys demanded trial by combat, citing medieval precedent.
He “claimed he was entitled to ask the court to establish his guilt or innocence by allowing him to fight to the death against a champion nominated by the DVLA,” reported the Ipswich Star.

Humphreys, of Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk, unemployed at the time, said that his choosing trial by combat meant he did not have to enter a plea of guilty or not guilty. However, the court decided to log his plea as “not guilty.” 
The defendant offered to take on a clerk from Swansea with “samurai swords, Gurkha knives or heavy hammers.” 
Humphreys told the media after his hearing: “I believe the right to trial by combat is still on the statute books. I can ask for it because the new Human Rights law gives ordinary people the right to use the law for their own purposes. I am willing to fight a champion put up by the DVLA if they want to accept my challenge – but they must remember it is a fight to the death.”
He continued: “The victor speaks in the name of God and justice so it is a reasonable enough way of sorting the matter out. I know I am in the right so I do not have anything to worry about. I am reasonably fit and not afraid of taking anyone on in a fight.”
WELL SPOKEN MR HUMPHREYS! GOD BLESS YOU FOR INSISTING ON YOUR RIGHT TO NATURAL JUSTICE!!! Shamefully, such a cry for justice was ignored, with the article noting: "Not only did the court disagree, but the magistrates fined him £200 with £100 costs."


'I don't need to read the papers or the tea leaves to understand. This world's been shaved by a drunken barber's hand...' You're singing our story, Slaid.