The Daily Carlo: The evidence Sweden never deserved to beat the Matildas today

 My latest Daily Carlo -- you know, my ceaseless campaign of daily blog posts I launched a while back that has proven just as on-time and reliable as a Sydney bus -- is on the 1-1 draw secured by the Australian women's football team, the Matildas, against Sweden today in the Women's World Cup in Canada.

I had the pleasure of watching this match, which began at 10am Sydney time, because I "work from home" on Wednesdays, which, as anyone who has ever "worked from home" can confirm, involves a tough regiment of scouring the TV guide to see whether there is anything worth watching to kill the hours on the basis that a sudden rush of activity before dinner will sort you out (which becomes "after dinner" and then "when I get up extra early tomorrow morning" and then "oh just fuck it, I guess that shit isn't going to happen").

Today, I didn't have to hold out a desperate hope to see a repeat of a Midsomer Murders episode I hadn't seen in the past couple of years and had therefore forgotten who the killer was, because the Matildas were playing a crucial match against highly rated Sweden.

Australia needed at least a draw to qualify for the elimination rounds and Sweden most likely needed a win -- so it promised to be an enthralling clash. And so it was.

But despite the Swedes brilliant 15th minute equaliser and some near chances missed not long after, the Australians held on for the needed draw... and frankly they deserved to for reasons that have nothing to do with on-field events.

Now... I have issues with Australian nationalism that often to make it difficult for me to actively support and "cheer" Australian sides. Stolen land, torturing children of asylum seekers, actively supporting US crimes... this is not actually that nice a nation.

I am not trying to make a big deal over this, just it is a fact that the cry of "Aussie Aussie Aussie, oi oi oi" tends to turn my stomach and a lot of Australian sporting "stars" -- Australian male cricketers being prime examples -- seem more like poster boys for macho Australia arrogance than anything else.

Yes *OK* I hear you screaming, Alan Jones, just string me up later and let me make my fucking point on this case... which is... as well as feeling that anything that promotes women's football in this country, or women's sport in general (the first to get cut when there are cuts) is worthwhile... it is also true that when it comes to playing Sweden, there can be *no question* about which side to back if you have *any sense of human decency* or commitment to the concept of *progress* and *civilisation*.

Because ongoing genocide against this continent's First Peoples is one thing. But at least we have *never* done this:

Do you see that? Do you??? That is *bacon* in a fucking *bottle*. To be *squeezed out*.

It is not right and, a close observer will note, right there on the bottle the flag of Sweden. And some writing that, to my eyes, looks disturbingly *Nordic*.

This shit is not acceptable. No one has any right to *do this* to bacon. Jesus fuck YOU DO NOT MESS WITH FUCKING BACON YOU SWEDISH PRICKS! YOU *DO NOT* PUT IT IN A FUCKING BOTTLE TO BE *SQUEEZED OUT*!!!

Who the fuck *does* such a thing? THEY DO NOT DESERVE TO WIN ANYTHING!(1)

It has been suggest to me there may be more here than meets the eye. That this could be a bit of cynically calculated piece of geopolitics on grounds that, apparently, bacon is a major economic and cultural export and identifier for fellow Nordic nation Denmark.

And that, therefore, desecrating it so horrifically could be something these Swede bastards might do as part of a "cultural Cold War". Especially given how tight the competition between them is in Eurovision and crime television exports.

Maybe, but really, as that suggestion came from Leslie, the only bastard to ever beat me in a duel to the death, I think we can discard it.

But, for the record, this *cad* offered the following statement: "I bet there's an evil, squeezable version of some iconic Swedish product made in Norway."

Like what? You mean the Danes have iconic Swedish detective Kurt Wallander available in *bottle form*? So you can squeeze out your dose of understated weariness and air of resigned melancholy combined with an instinctual skill for deducing murderers with your fucking cornflakes?

I don't know. If so, I just say these former vikings in the Nordic nations are more messed up than I could ever have dreamed. And I know what bacon is. And I don't appreciate this Swedish innovation *at all*.

Not right!

Jesus fuck. Someone had to speak out and yet again it is up to Carlo Fucking Sands. Do the decent thing and buy me a beer for my troubles via the Pay Pal donate button on the right side of the blog.

In the meantime, here is a Swedish singer-songwriter Miss Li doing her bit to make up for all the crimes/explaining how such crimes come to be committed.




'No I just can't stay forever drunk...' I hope this is a metaphor for Sweden and one day the nation will awake, hungover, to cry regretfully: 'My god what have we done!'


(1) I have since been informed that, although likely out of the World Cup, the fucking Swedes did Eurovision this year, which only goes to show how backward, retrograde and frankly *insulting* that so-called "music" competition is!

And yes I am still bitter about 2008 when the Ukraine was *robbed* by Serbia in what I rightly denounced at the time as the Great Balkan Scam! I cannot help but feel had justice been delivered at Eurovision seven years ago, the current violent conflict tearing the Ukraine apart may have been avoided.

A reply to a reader on Eurovision II

I have taken my time, but I have finally drafted my reply to Ms Emily Boots on the question of Eurovision.

I replied to Ms Boots original comment.

She replied.

Now, I have finally provided my long-awaited answer.

Ms Boots writes:

Dear Mr Sands,

Let me say that I was devastated to hear of your death and was forced to take refuge in a bottle of chilled Stolypin (rum being so 20th Century) and said Stoly being a tribute of sorts to the upcoming you-know-what (which hopefully has not been marred by the Georgian acts of aggression).

I confess to great disappointment in your failure to tell me exactly how to watch the Eurovision contest (assuming it occurs--- we need to watch closely the entrants from the Ukraine, Latvia and Estonia, who are rumoured to be planning to sing 'We don't wanna put in' as part of the CIA-Mossad campaign of disruption).

However, I am prepared to give you a bit of leeway, given your state of health (death being generally considered a bad sign). You can redeem yourself in my (bloodshot) eyes if you can pass on to me some information to which you seem privy: you claim to know where I am (your reference to rum), which is something I have been trying figure out for a while now.

Meanwhile, I will create a google alert for 'The Death of Carlo Sands: the Sequel' so I can be the first in my neighbourhood (wherever that is) to know about upcoming events. Idle gossip (the worst kind) has tapped Johnny Depp for a key role, but we've been disappointed before.

yours,

emily boots (definitely my true name, more or less)


Carlo Sands replies:

Dear Emily More or Less,

Firstly, I wish to offer my sincere thanks at your condolences for my most unfortunate passing. You be surprised at how hard such sympathy has been to come by.

I had always been of the belief that it is the worst possible manners to speak ill of the dead. Alas… it appears little store is placed these days on such common human decencies.

I must, of course, apologise for the sizable time lapse between your comment and my reply.

My only excuse is I have only just, more or less, finished the drinking binge I embarked upon in celebration over the results of Eurovision 2009.

It is not so much the precise winner, which was Norway as it goes. I did, of course, say the Scandinavian countries were a reasonable bet.

No, the real victory lies in the fact that finally decisive action was taken against the absolute disgrace of blocs of nations voting for each other.

A new system of voting was enacted, after concerns about, as the source of all knowledge Wikipedia put it “some broadcasters' continued complaints about politically charged, neighbourly and diaspora voting”.

It was clear the situation was untenable. Esctoday.com explained: “The perception of biased voting has led to a decline in reputation of the Eurovision Song Contest in Western Europe as a fair music competition and led Sir Terry Wogan to resign as the UK commentator after almost four decades of coverage.”


Sir Terry Wogan! What a loss to the Eurovision competition.

In response to this outrage, a new system was introduced for 2009. Under the new arrangement, 50% of the votes in a final round were determined by the popular vote, via the method of televoting. The remaining 50% will be allocated by a properly selected national jury.

Of course, some may raise questions about a weakening of the popular vote. Is this truly democratic?

Let me say this: until the fucking masses learn to use their votes with a bit of responsibility, then such measures shall remain necessary.

That may controversial to some of the more anarchist-minded ultra-radical readers of this blog, but reality bears this out.

Of course, I take personal credit for this development.

I exposed it in my brilliant piece of investigative journalism in the lead up to Eurovision 2008. I exposed, ruthlessly, the shocking abuse of the profound Leninist principle of the right of all nations to self-determination purely in order to secure more Eurovision votes.

This, if I may say so, is exactly the sort of investigative journalism, and commitment to the truth at all cost, that is so sadly lacking from the modern corporate media.

So I take Norway’s victory as a personal vindication of my position. Someone needed the courage to stand up, whatever the cost, and state the truth.

And history will record that that person was Carlo Sands.

So, I hope that you will forgive me a month or two of celebratory drinking, which may have affected the pace of my correspondence.

As to the question of where you are. Let me answer that in a profoundly philosophical sense: in my experience you are you where you want to be. That is why I find myself so often in the pub.

(Though, I may add, not so much the Shannon — readers of the blog should stay tuned for that explosive story.)

yours as ever,

Carlo Sands (deceased)

PS: At to the possibility of Johnny Depp appearing in "The Death of Carlo Sands: The Sequel", I could not comment. Our relationship of late has been somewhat rocky. But I feel consrtained from saying more.

A reply to a reader on Eurovision

I received the following correspondence from a reader, posted as a comment to my celebrated post exposing Great Balkan Eurovision Scam in the lead-up to last years Eurovision — in which I revealed the way that the fundamental right to national self-determination was being abused in order to score the Balkan region more votes.

I include the note and my reply below, for readers consideration before the May 17 2009 Eurovision Grand Final.

From Emily Boots...

Dear Mr. Sands,

Unfortunately, I am not privileged like you and can neither join you on the clean floor of the Shannon nor can I watch the Eurovision contest [I now realise I have been missing all of my miserable life].

Will you be ranking the contenders in the latter, and do you have any suggestions as to how I can watch the contest? Also, where can I place my bets?

yours,
Emily


My reply...


Dear Emily Boots (if that is your real name, and I have my reasons for doubting the claim),

I have yet to make a proper study of various contenders in Eurovision 2009. However, for reasons that should be clear from my post last year, any of the Balkan nations are a reasonably safe bet.

They are appear to be quite confident this year, judging from the fact that there have been no new moves since last year's contest by the region’s people to create yet another nation with which to rig the vote.

Having said that, there is still three days to go, so we'll see what they do.

Beyond the Balkans, the Scandinavian nations are always a decent chance, especially if one of them decides to put up a Death Metal band in fancy dress troll costumes — such as enabled Finland to take out the prize in 2006.

It is worth noting that Georgia would have been considered a genuine threat, having taken out the 2008 Junior Eurovision Award.

However, it has withdrawn under controversial circumstances — with its chosen song deemed to have breached the competitions rules.

With the contested being held in Moscow (after the surprise Russian 2008 upset) this outrage can only be interpreted as a "Greater Russian" power play.

Under no circumstances put money on England.

As to how to watch it, there really is only one way: with large quantities or rum.

While actual footage may prove hard to come by, something tells me, Ms Boots, that, where you are, rum is one thing you'll find little difficulty laying your hands on.

Rum is the essential ingredient to enjoying Eurovision. Visual and audio from the actual contest are at best a useful addition, and some argue even a hindrance, to the evenings enjoyment.

Yours in the abuse of alcohol,
Carlo Sands (actually deceased — a long story)

Oh, the irony!

Well, it has to be said that in the circumstances, Russia was the lesser evil victor at Eurovision 2008.

For while there it looked like that atrocious Greek entry might walk away with the prize. At least the Russians put a bit of effort in and included a rollerskating dancer — a bit of class to drive home the emotion of the power ballad.

It was also good to see the lead singer leave the top couple of buttons on his shirt undone. Showing a decent bit of your chest is a great way to symbolise devotion to love indicated in the lyrics.

But, oh the irony.

Having exposed the Great Balkan Scam in my previous post, this year a Balkan country actually came up with a performance truly worthy of winning Eurovision. It was hands down the best thing on all night. It actually *deserved* the fullest support from other Balkan nations, and indeed all European people's with any appreciation of culture and art. And it didn't fucking win!

I am of course, talking about the brilliant entry from Bosnia and Herzegovina. This isn't the performance from the final, which was even better. Why does the chicken not feature in more popular music?

Eurovision, V.I. Lenin and the Balkans scam

It is that time of the year again. It is Eurovision.

The final is screened on SBS on Sunday. Time for the annual Eurovision Party.

It should be a time for celebration. Such a explosion of culture and talent from the best Europe has to offer!

And Israel.

People wonder why Israel is allowed in. One theory is to let the US have a shot at one of the art world's great prizes via a proxy.

Another, which I personally both subscribe to and defend, goes right to heart of the Great Zionist Dream.

It is simply this: The Jewish state of Israel acts as a "bulwark against Asia" and an “advanced post of civilisation against barbarism” .

It is only fair, therefore, that they should be able to participate in Eurovision, seeing as Israel is an "hournary European" nation, proven by its willingess to impose on those "barbarians" whom Israel is a "bulwark against" on behalf of "civilisation" a good ol' European style medieval siege.

We can only wish the honorary Europeans the best of luck in Eurovision, just as we wish them the best of luck in their attempts to deal with the problem of being surrounded by hoardes of ungrateful, barbaric, suicide-bombing, evil, anti-civilisation, pro-feudal, freedom-hating, irrational just plain nasty bad guys — sometimes called Palestinians.

Israel does need all the encouragement it can get in these difficult times.

The key problem it faces, one which threatens its very survival as an exclusively Jewish state, is that the Arabs just keep on breeding.

South Africa shows how difficult it is for a small minority to rule over a large majority. The problem isn't hard to see. Some of Israel's finest minds have explicitly raised it.

For instance, former Knesset member Yossi Sarid recently compared Israel to South African Apartheid, noting: “One essential difference remains between South Africa and Israel: There a small minority dominated a large majority, and here we have almost a tie."

"But", Yossi warned, "the tiebreaker is already darkening on the horizon…"

Sounding the alarm, Yossi argued bluntly that the "Zionist project will come to an end" unless something serious is done "before [Israel is] visited by a fatal demographic plague.”

Taking the threat of a plague of Palestinians very seriously, I have personally made a submission that is right now being debated in the Knesset (where I have a few friends and a certain influence, among particular circles).

My submission argues that there is a convergence of interests between the needs of Israel (re: the ever-breeding Palestinians) and much of the rest of the world.

We have hundreds of millions faced with the threat of hunger, all the while the very existence of the bulwark of democracy and civilisation in the heartland of barbarism is darkened by a coming a demographic plague!

The solution is simple.

Due to its general humanitarian principles and just plain "big heartedness", Israel will ensure that all adult Palestinians in the Occupied Palestinian Territories are looked after.

(The Occupied Territories are strangely misunderstood by some people as to mean "occupied" by the Israel, as opposed to the truth of the situation — which is that this land is in fact occupied by the Palestinians who are blocking the creation of a Greater Israel , as promised by God himself. Thankfully, in God's name, this land is being taken back one settler at a time, UN resolutions be damned.)

However, kindness only extends so far and Israel's generosity naturally has its limits.

At a time when food riots are rocking impoverished countries the world over, here is a chance to kill two birds with one stone.

The solution is obvious.

To both pay for the upkeep of the burdensome adult Palestinian population in the territories the Palestinians occupy, *and* so the poor masses in other countries may also be allowed ready access to meat, all new born Palestinian children should, at the age of one, be sold as food.

In this way the global food crisis may be alleviated and a final solution to Israel's problem of what to do with a few million interlopers in its God-granted lands may be achieved within a generation or two.

And, as an added bonus, it will end all these hopeless, pathetic attempts at "Peace Accords", therefore ending a large number of pointless airplane trips by all sorts of international bureaucrats.

This will, in one fell swoop, eradicate the carbon dioxide that would otherwise be emitted by such futile flights, thus helping combat the deadly threat of global warming.

A win-win-win solution.

Where was I?

The problem with Eurovision.

This gem of a show, which has added so much human development, is at risk of being turned into a farce, a mockery of a competition.

I am talking about the seemingly ever growing number of Balkan states and their insistence on all voting for each other at Eurovision.

In this disgracefully nepotistic way, last year's "contest" was "won" by Serbia.

What a travesty of justice.

What a crock of shit.

Everyone knows the prize belonged to the Ukraine.

It is just plain cheating. No one else has a fucking chance.

Oh sure, you say, other regions do it as well. Those Scandinavian types all vote for each other too.

Yes, but they aren't forming new countries every year for the apparent purpose of ensuring the Eurovision title stays in the regions hands.

This year, as well, a decisive step towards a new nation occurred in Kosova.

Plenty of commentators were very quick to allege that this whole Kosova thing is as a plot by US imperialism to divide Serbia, which misses the essential point. It is clearly a gambit aimed at securing for the region even more Eurovision votes.

This mutual rigging of what was once a proud competition occurs despite the fact that, until recently, these nationalities were busy all killing each other, which is the apparent reason they fucking formed separate countries to begin with.

It seems they unite for the important things.

Now, as anyone who knows me will tell you straight up, I am all in favour of the right of oppressed peoples to national self-determination, up to and including the right to separate and form a new, self-governed country.

But no right is absolute.

If you can't use the right to form your own nation-state responsibly, if you are just using it as a trick to win Eurovision, then maybe you don't deserve the right at all.

All I can say is V.I. Lenin, who did more than anyone to formulate a consistent and principled Marxist position on the question of national oppression and the right to self determination, must be rolling in his grave.

For shame! Carlo Sands does not approve.

None the less, I will be attending the Eurovision Party, as the host has promised Cuba Libres upon entry.