Friday, May 23, 2008

Eurovision, V.I. Lenin and the Balkans scam

It is that time of the year again. It is Eurovision.

The final is screened on SBS on Sunday. Time for the annual Eurovision Party.

It should be a time for celebration. Such a explosion of culture and talent from the best Europe has to offer!

And Israel.

People wonder why Israel is allowed in. One theory is to let the US have a shot at one of the art world's great prizes via a proxy.

Another, which I personally both subscribe to and defend, goes right to heart of the Great Zionist Dream.

It is simply this: The Jewish state of Israel acts as a "bulwark against Asia" and an “advanced post of civilisation against barbarism” .

It is only fair, therefore, that they should be able to participate in Eurovision, seeing as Israel is an "hournary European" nation, proven by its willingess to impose on those "barbarians" whom Israel is a "bulwark against" on behalf of "civilisation" a good ol' European style medieval siege.

We can only wish the honorary Europeans the best of luck in Eurovision, just as we wish them the best of luck in their attempts to deal with the problem of being surrounded by hoardes of ungrateful, barbaric, suicide-bombing, evil, anti-civilisation, pro-feudal, freedom-hating, irrational just plain nasty bad guys — sometimes called Palestinians.

Israel does need all the encouragement it can get in these difficult times.

The key problem it faces, one which threatens its very survival as an exclusively Jewish state, is that the Arabs just keep on breeding.

South Africa shows how difficult it is for a small minority to rule over a large majority. The problem isn't hard to see. Some of Israel's finest minds have explicitly raised it.

For instance, former Knesset member Yossi Sarid recently compared Israel to South African Apartheid, noting: “One essential difference remains between South Africa and Israel: There a small minority dominated a large majority, and here we have almost a tie."

"But", Yossi warned, "the tiebreaker is already darkening on the horizon…"

Sounding the alarm, Yossi argued bluntly that the "Zionist project will come to an end" unless something serious is done "before [Israel is] visited by a fatal demographic plague.”

Taking the threat of a plague of Palestinians very seriously, I have personally made a submission that is right now being debated in the Knesset (where I have a few friends and a certain influence, among particular circles).

My submission argues that there is a convergence of interests between the needs of Israel (re: the ever-breeding Palestinians) and much of the rest of the world.

We have hundreds of millions faced with the threat of hunger, all the while the very existence of the bulwark of democracy and civilisation in the heartland of barbarism is darkened by a coming a demographic plague!

The solution is simple.

Due to its general humanitarian principles and just plain "big heartedness", Israel will ensure that all adult Palestinians in the Occupied Palestinian Territories are looked after.

(The Occupied Territories are strangely misunderstood by some people as to mean "occupied" by the Israel, as opposed to the truth of the situation — which is that this land is in fact occupied by the Palestinians who are blocking the creation of a Greater Israel , as promised by God himself. Thankfully, in God's name, this land is being taken back one settler at a time, UN resolutions be damned.)

However, kindness only extends so far and Israel's generosity naturally has its limits.

At a time when food riots are rocking impoverished countries the world over, here is a chance to kill two birds with one stone.

The solution is obvious.

To both pay for the upkeep of the burdensome adult Palestinian population in the territories the Palestinians occupy, *and* so the poor masses in other countries may also be allowed ready access to meat, all new born Palestinian children should, at the age of one, be sold as food.

In this way the global food crisis may be alleviated and a final solution to Israel's problem of what to do with a few million interlopers in its God-granted lands may be achieved within a generation or two.

And, as an added bonus, it will end all these hopeless, pathetic attempts at "Peace Accords", therefore ending a large number of pointless airplane trips by all sorts of international bureaucrats.

This will, in one fell swoop, eradicate the carbon dioxide that would otherwise be emitted by such futile flights, thus helping combat the deadly threat of global warming.

A win-win-win solution.

Where was I?

The problem with Eurovision.

This gem of a show, which has added so much human development, is at risk of being turned into a farce, a mockery of a competition.

I am talking about the seemingly ever growing number of Balkan states and their insistence on all voting for each other at Eurovision.

In this disgracefully nepotistic way, last year's "contest" was "won" by Serbia.

What a travesty of justice.

What a crock of shit.

Everyone knows the prize belonged to the Ukraine.

It is just plain cheating. No one else has a fucking chance.

Oh sure, you say, other regions do it as well. Those Scandinavian types all vote for each other too.

Yes, but they aren't forming new countries every year for the apparent purpose of ensuring the Eurovision title stays in the regions hands.

This year, as well, a decisive step towards a new nation occurred in Kosova.

Plenty of commentators were very quick to allege that this whole Kosova thing is as a plot by US imperialism to divide Serbia, which misses the essential point. It is clearly a gambit aimed at securing for the region even more Eurovision votes.

This mutual rigging of what was once a proud competition occurs despite the fact that, until recently, these nationalities were busy all killing each other, which is the apparent reason they fucking formed separate countries to begin with.

It seems they unite for the important things.

Now, as anyone who knows me will tell you straight up, I am all in favour of the right of oppressed peoples to national self-determination, up to and including the right to separate and form a new, self-governed country.

But no right is absolute.

If you can't use the right to form your own nation-state responsibly, if you are just using it as a trick to win Eurovision, then maybe you don't deserve the right at all.

All I can say is V.I. Lenin, who did more than anyone to formulate a consistent and principled Marxist position on the question of national oppression and the right to self determination, must be rolling in his grave.

For shame! Carlo Sands does not approve.

None the less, I will be attending the Eurovision Party, as the host has promised Cuba Libres upon entry.


  1. All too true! I see that Germany agrees with you.

    It's not that we Germans have *absolutely no frikkin' taste in music nor any freakin' talen* (neither of these are requirements for Fluorovision) - it's those dastardly slavs and their "balkanisation strategy" for winning votes.

    Mind you, it's probably pay-back for when Germany tried to win (back in the 40s) by stacking the votes themselves - by means of occupying armies throughout eastern europe.

    So I guess we shouldn't complain (not least because I couldn't live with the shame of Germany winning).

  2. Dear Mr. Sand,
    Unfortunately, I am not privileged like you and can neither join you on the clean floor of the Shannon nor can I watch the Eurovision contest [which I only now recognize I have been missing all of my miserable life]. Will you be ranking the contenders in the latter, and do you have any suggestions as to how I can watch the contest? Also, where can I place my bets?

  3. ☻/ ღ˚ •。* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛° 。* °♥ ˚ • ★ *˚ .ღ 。
    ▌ *˛˚ღ •...just sprinkling a little Love on your blog..... ˚✰*
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