Wednesday, September 23, 2020

QUIZ: Are you John Lee Pettimore from Steve Earle's 1988 hit 'Copperhead Road'?

There's quite a lot going on in the world right now, but one "hot topic" is the sometimes controversial question of "identity". 

So if you've been asking yourself big questions about exactly who you are and how you fit into this world, this quiz could help you answer the most fundamental of questions: Are you John Lee Pettimore from Steve Earle's 1988 hard rock/outlaw country crossover hit song "Copperhead Road"?


Is your name John Lee Pettimore?

A) Just like my daddy and his daddy before!

B) No, it's Lars.

C) What? Why are you asking me this?

Has your family ever been involved in the bootleg moonshine trade?

A) Everyone knew my granddaddy made moonshine. My daddy too, until the accident.

B) No, my father and his father were tax collectors, as am I.

C) What kind of question is that?

Are you from the US state of Tennessee?

A) Yeah Johnson County. Not far from Knoxville, though you hardly ever saw granddaddy down there, as he only came to town about twice a year.

B) Actually I live in Helsingør, which is a town of about 50,000 people in eastern Denmark, just a short ferry ride from Sweden!

C) What?

Has a close family member ever bought 100 pounds of yeast and some copper wire?

A) My grandaddy did!

B) No, what an odd question.

C) No, what an odd question.

Did your granddaddy ever had a run in with a revenue man who was never heard from again?

A) Nothing was ever proven.

B) Definitely not as my familiy have worked for the Danish tax office for generations. We find the suggestion of foul play against a fellow revenue collector disturbing to say the least!

C) What's actually happening?

Did your daddy ever drive a big block dodge?

A) Yep. Bought it at an auction at the Mason's Lodge. Though that was before the accident.

B) No my family have always driven Volvos. Say what you will about those Swedes, they make a solid car!

C) These questions are getting weird.

Did you serve with US forces in Vietnam?

A) I volunteered on my birthday. They draft the white trash first round here anyway. I did two tours of duty.

B) No, Denmark was not directly involved in the US conflict in Indochina, although while the general public view in Scandanvia was against US policy, the Danish government was not as outspoken in opposition to the conflict as, say, the Swedish government. There were a lot of factors behind this, such as more right-wing forces governing Denmak at the time. However I'm not really sure what relevence the geopolitics of Scandanavia in relation to US imperialism in the 1960s has to do with this quiz.

C) What the fuck is going on?

Have you ever grown cannabis for commercial gain?

A) Look, I came back from Indochina with a brand new plan. Moonshine's yesterday's news, these kids want a different high. So I took seeds from Colombia and Mexico and planted them up the holler on ...actually I'm not sure I should be telling you this. Last thing I want is some DEA choppers in the air! Not with my PTSD! Any narcs reading this, keep in mind that I learned a thing or two from Charlie!

B) No, I find Denmark's national tax office pays well enough to avoid the need for recourse in the illicit drug trade. Sure I smoked a bit of pot in my uni days, who didn't? 


Has country musician Steve Earle ever written a commercially successful cross-over hit about your life?

A) Hey! That bastard owes me a shit-ton of royalities for that song he had in the 80s! That prick'd better stay away from Copperhead Road!

B) Steve Earle? I don't think so, no, but I don't know his full discography. It would certainly be pleasing to know someone had written a song about the life of a tax revenue worker in Denmark as it is a lot more intersting than you'd think.



MOSTLY As:  You are John Lee Pettimore and Steve Earle owes you a lot of royalities.

MOSTLY Bs:  You are Lars from Helsingør in Denmark and not John Lee Pettimore. To be honest, I'm not sure why you even did this quiz.

MOSTLY Cs:  You are in the grips of a major identity crisis. You don't know who you are, where you are, or why. Please, for your own sake and the sake of those who love you, get professional help.

Sunday, September 06, 2020

This cat just offered the purrfect response to Essendon's Joe Daniher for his game against the Eagles


This cat will judge your onfield performance
Judging Joe Daniher.

There is a lot going on in the world, but some things never change. Such as the sheer frustration of watching Essendon's star forward Joe Daniher kick for goal.

It was something that had been missing from Essendon fan's game-watching experience for a long time. On August 27, against the Eternal Enemy of Humanity that is Hawthorn, Daniher took to the field in the Bombers geurnsey for the first time in 467 days. It wasn't clear this day would ever come, not just because of recurring injuries, but reports Daniher wanted to leave for the Sydney Swans,

Yet there he was, showing Bombers fans just why they love to see Daniher in the red and black -- taking huge marks and kicking big-goals to spur Essendon to an historic second half come back so brilliant you could FEEL Jeff Kennett's head exploding through the psychic waves of the universe. It was glorious.

Then, just days later, against the West Coast Eagles, Daniher showed why it is so fruastrating to see Daniher in the red and black. He took big grabs, create a target all day, and utterly shanked every shot he had on goal in an inept display you'd be embarrased to see in a six-year-old as Essendon lost the game by failing to turn onfield dominance into scoreboard pressure (as the experts say).

Well, one Essendon fan had had enough! After what felt like Daniher's 20th miss (it was actually just his third) NC/DC (short for "Night Cat/Day Cat"), looked up at me from the couch and said clearly: 

"I am not watching any more of this match."

'I'm not watching another minute of this game'

"Why?" I asked, pointing out there was still enough time on the clock for the Bombers to chase down the Eagles lead should we finally start converting a few chances.

"WHY?" was the dismissive response.




"Because Joe Daniher just missed AGAIN! BORING!!!"


"Oh look at me," he said, starting a mocking impersonation of the key forward. "I'm Joe Daniher on the lead!"

'Look at me! I'm out on the lead!'

"Oh look I just a spectacular grab! What a brilliant mark I just took!"

'What a brilliant mark!'

"But now I have to go back and take the kick. On no, I'm all a-tangle!"

'Now I'm all a-tangle'

'Oh look at that, I missed again!'

'I missed again!'

"That's why I've stopped watching YOU IDIOT! We can't win with goal kicking like that."

'We can't win if we squander chances like that, you idiot.'

And with that, looking smug at having summed the game up, NC/DC promptly took a nap.

By doing so, NC/DC saved himself the pain of watching what remained of that frustrating game.

And now, in just one hour, Essendon are going to play again, taking on Geelong. Let all Essendon players know that NC/DC will be watching. DO NOT FAIL THE CAT AGAIN!

NC/DC will be judging you, Essendon players