Thursday, February 14, 2013

An important message for Valentines Day, plus a poem and a Tom Waits song!

HELLO! It is Valentines Day and, being the famous romantic that I am, I feel it is important for me to pass on the most crucial piece of information *anyone* could ever give you about relationships. Yes, Uber Facts explains COUPLES WHO DRINK TOGETHER ARE MORE LIKELY TO STAY TOGETHER.

The article explains what *should* be obvious: "Researchers reviewing data collected from 19,977 married couples in one county in Norway reported that spouses who consume about the same amount of alcohol were less likely to divorce than pairs where one partner is a heavy drinker and the other is not ..."

It is just *so sad* when one person is so willing to threaten a relationship by selfishly refusing to drink. As we all know, *it takes at least two* to have a drinking game.

A happy couple.

This might all seem obvious, but we live in strange and disturbing times. Specifically, we live during the so-called FebFast -- a horrific idea whereby a bunch of fools decide to give up drinking *for an entire month*. February *is* the shortest month of the year, yes, but it is still 28-days too long between beers.

I really have no idea why *anyone* would wish to make themselves so goddamn miserable, but even *I* know of at least two people who decided to take part. Luckily, one of them didn't even last a week. The other may well be a lost cause for humanity. But we can all pray for their soul, I suppose.

I am sure you all want to know who is CARLO SANDS' Valentine, so here is the poem I wrote to my TRUE LOVE:

Roses are red,
violets are Blue
Dear Western Sydney Wanderers
I'll always sing for you

'We'll always love you, never betray you...'

What the poem lacks in metre, style, originality and talent, it makes up for with passion. AND PASSION IS NOT A CRIME!

Obviously, I tweeted it to the the Official Twitter Account of the Western Sydney Wanderers, *certain* in the fact they would *love it* and/or block me and take out an AVO. AND SURE ENOUGH THEY RETWEETED IT! And I am yet to hear any word of an AVO, so all is looking good!

I am so glad, coz I can't take much more rejection. Earlier today, I tried to become Nathan Fillion's Valentine. (If you don't know who that is SHAME ON YOU HERE IS A PIECE I WROTE EARLIER ON THE TOPIC).

Fillion tweeted: "Now taking Valentine Applications. No guilt trips or sob stories- GO!" And dozens of his followers got accepted for saying all kinds of random things, like "I'll give you $1.50 and a jolly rancher.” To which Fillion said "Sold. In". Or "I'm a cardiology student, i know the best way to your heart", which got a "Gross. In."

Or even this one: "My safe word is 'Apples'." to which Fillion saw fit to respond: "In. Apples."

Me? I spoke from the heart and said "because I have great cheekbones", which anyone who looks at my picture in the top right hand corner of this blog could tell you! AND I GET NOTHING!


So *apparently* these cheekbones are *not good enough* for Captain Mal.

It put me in such a bad mood, I had to listen to Tom Waits. Luckily, Tom Waits has written the *greatest* Valentines Day song ever! Well... not really "luckily" coz it is Tom Waits. I mean, of course he has. AND HERE IT IS!

'And it takes a lot of whiskey to make these nightmares go away.'

I already showed you some pretty good goddamn poetry. But *if anything* this shit is even better! So here are the words to this song listed below in an easy to read fashion RIGHT HERE ON MY BLOG! No worries, just buy me a beer some time (via the "pay pal donate" button on your right).


She sends me blue valentines
All the way from Philadelphia
To mark the anniversary
Of someone that I used to be
And it feels just like there's
A warrant out for my arrest
Got me checkin' in my rearview mirror
And I'm always on the run
That's why I changed my name
And I didn't think you'd ever find me here

To send me blue valentines
Like half forgotten dreams
Like a pebble in my shoe
As I walk these streets
And the ghost of your memory
Is the thistle in the kiss
And the burgler that can break a rose's neck
It's the tattooed broken promise
That I hide beneath my sleeve
And I see you every time I turn my back

She sends me blue valentines
Though I try to remain at large
They're insisting that our love
Must have a eulogy
Why do I save all of this madness
In the nightstand drawer
There to haunt upon my shoulders
Baby I know
I'd be luckier to walk around everywhere I go
With a blind and broken heart
That sleeps beneath my lapel

She sends me my blue valentines
To remind me of my cardinal sin
I can never wash the guilt
Or get these bloodstains off my handa
And it takes a lot of whiskey
To take these nightmares go away
And I cut my bleedin' heart out every night
And I die a little more on each st. valentines day
Remember that I promised I would
Write you...
These blue valentines
Blue valentines
Blue valentines

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Flexibility. Or 'how we can screw you from as many positions possible'

'Yes. Well spotted Jenny! This mini-human will do *just fine* for our experiments!'

Jesus, this ad is pathetic. Not only is it a strong contender for "the creepiest piece of political propaganda ever" (or at least since the last time Christopher Pyne opened his mouth), it also seems as though Labor has simply given up. Christ, neither Gillard nor Macklin are even *trying* to kiss that baby! I know the Libs are well ahead in the polls, but surely they should make a bid for at least *some* votes.

At least it does have a message. About flexibility. For parents. To "balance work and family life". A noble goal indeed, and explains why Gillard and Macklin are forcing single parents to switch to the much lower Newstart allowance once their youngest child turns eight. Leaving parents up to $140 a fortnight worse off.

Adelaide's Single Parent Action Group spokesperson Sherree Clare commented: "Parents who are students [were] also cut from the Pensioner Education Supplement one month before the Newstart changes came into effect ... As a student I stand to lose $300 a fortnight when my youngest turns eight in May."

But what if you have a job? Clare said: "Working parents must be working 35 hours a week. If they are not they are forced to either find a different job or take on a second job, they lose 40c to the dollar after earning $31 a week and the cut-off amount from Centrelink is ridiculously low.

"Regardless of how many children you have, there is no extra allowance to compensate this. It is all set for a single person rate."

Clare explained exactly what this means for those affected parents looking for that badly sought after "balance of work and family life": "Many families who have been switched to Newstart have as little as $6 a week left after rent and power deductions to feed their children."

Flexibility. A word politicians use to describe their desire to screw you from as many positions as possible.

Lie to me then move on.

PS: To those whose response is, like totally shut up Carlo coz Abbott will be worse, well yes, but I direct you to my detailed philosophical examination of the nature of evil, inparticular how it relates to the interrelationship between its "greater" and "lesser" varieties. Also known as my last Carlo's Corner column. Also, here is a poem Thank You Feminist Gillard in which a parenting payment *and* Australian Council grant recipient expresses her gratitude to our Glorious Leader.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

'This website style is perfect' -- what some of the discerning spammers are saying about this blog

You know, here at "An Alcoholic's Guide to Modern Life", we don't like to blow our own trumpet. Or any trumpet. Or indeed any wind instrument of any kind as the damn things just get in the way of drinking our beer. We *do* sometimes like to refer to ourselves in the third person to make ourselves feel important, but that aside, we are generally pretty GODDAMN MODEST.

And so fans of this blog may have noticed, with some surprise, a paucity of published comments. The reason for this is simple. I *do*, as may be expected of such a high quality blog, actually get quite a large volume of comments. Unfortunately, the large majority of them are simply *embarrassing* with their praise of the *brilliance* of this site. I just really don't feel *comfortable* letting them up, with their "you're so great" and "this is the best site ever" sentiments.

BUT then it struck me I was being unfair to those who leave such comments. They are so often hard-working salespeople who take time they can barely afford off their relentless quest to make ends meet to point out their love for this blog. And leave their various websites hawking their various products. As is only natural.

It struck me that, as *plain embarrassing* as I find their comments, by refusing to publish them, I am denying *you*, the fan of this blog, the opportunity to access the websites and products of other fans, and quite possibly am in breach of some "restraint of trade" act or other.

And so below, I provide a selection of TEN RECENT COMMENTS left on this site -- with the websites -- to say THANK YOU for all the kind words.

* * *

On February 12, Anonymous wrote on my brilliant piece of (sadly ignored) political advice to the now former NSW Labor government: "Thanks foг finаlly talkіng abοut > "'Drink motherfucker, drink!'; or an alternative way forward for the NSW Labor government" < Liked it!" And added "Here is my web site ... bеst paуday loans".

Anonymous, meanwhile, spoke for many people on February 10 when they said of my famous first post for 2013: "I am suгe this parаgraph hаs touched all the inteгnеt usеrs, its rеally rеally pleasant". They don't specify *which* of the many paragraphs so moved them, but let's face it, it pretty much applies to them all. Anonymous has their own "home page" entitled 1 Month Loan. Be sure to check it out, they clearly have great taste so it is bound to be worth your while!

On February 6, Anonymous was moved to write under my advice to the late NSW Labor government: "The website style is perfect, the articles is really nice : D. Good job, cheers". They have their own website, *also* called 1 Month Loan, which seems quite a popular name. It sounds confusing, but I am sure people of such obvious intelligence find a way to work it out.

On February 6, in a comment under my brilliant dissection of Sheryl Crow's "All I Wanna Do Is Have Some Fun" as a repsonse to the crisis of late monoply capitalism, Anonymous noted, "this aгticlе іs actuаlly a pleasant piece οf ωгitіng, keep it uρ". Anonymous suggests you check out their website for useful advice on how to stop snoring. Is snoring a problem for you? Then check it out! It is clearly run by someone of great intelligence and taste.

Meanwhile, another grateful fan called Anonymous took the time on February 5 to comment under the same piece: "I аm genuinelу ԁelighted to glance аt this webpаge poѕts whiсh contаіnѕ tons of helρful facts, thanks for provіding thеse kinds of datа." Their site: planetside 2 hacks.

On February 3, Anonymous, who maintains a website dedicated to the university of alabama school of medicine (and it is good to see *someone* does) commented under my most popular blog post ever on the crucial question of Shane MacGowan's teeth: "Simple but very accurate info… Many thanks for sharing this one. A must read article!"

And, oh dear this one makes me *blush*, but Anonymous wrote on January 29 under the same article: "What i don't realize is in truth how you are now not actually a lot more well-appreciated than you may be right now. You are so intelligent. You realize therefore significantly in the case of this matter, made me in my view imagine it from a lot of various angles." Oh get out! Be sure to check their blog

And then, once again on the NSW Labor piece, Anonymous offered on January 29 this piece of very encouraging feedback: "I don't rеalize whο you're however definitely you are going to a famous blogger in case you are not already. Cheers!" While I find it hard to believe they have never heard of *Carlo Sands*, nonetheless their recognition of my inevitable to rise to fame (and, indeed, WORLD DOMINATION) suggests it would be well worth your while to investigate their loans for bad credit site.

On January 23, Anonymous, who also runs a site for bad credit loans (and it is heartening that so many of those those who dedicate themselves to such a socially useful service appreciate my work) left this simple message: "booκmarked!!, ӏ гeally lіkе your sіte!"

And finally... "Wonderful work!", Anonymous wrote on January 18. "That is the type of information that are meant to be shared around the net. Shame on Google for now not positioning this put up upper!" Indeed. I am not usually a conspiracy theorist, but the only reason I can come up with for this travesty is the Global Elites are just too damned *scared* of Carlo Sands to let that happen. Which makes this comment all the braver, so be sure to check out their site Ghd IV mini styler.

* * *

Well... all I can say is THANK YOU for *all* for your kind comments! Let me show you what I feel about *you* with a clip of a live performance by The Mighty Stef of his truly heartwarming tale "Poisonous Love". (I don't like to boast about these things but The Mighty Stef *did* retweet my *last* post about the song he recorded with Ronnie Drew, so he obviously combines musical talent with a fine eye for genius bloggers.)

"You've soured all the blood that once ran lively in my veins ... in Heaven or in Hell I pray I won't see you again...." The Mighty Stef expresses my deep feelings of love for all the spammers and their kind words.

Thursday, February 07, 2013

First blog post of the year! So here are random thoughts on drugs in sport and a song featuring Ronnie Drew, The Mighty Stef *and* Flogging Molly's Dave King. Fuck yeah. Buy me a beer sometime.

Well, so it seems it has somehow gotten to February and I have not posted *even once* so far in 2013. So I figured I'd better give my multitude of fans something pretty special... and what could be more special than a song featuring pretty highly specialised acts that I am obsessed with but almost no one else I know really gives a fuck about? HUH? HOW ABOUT THAT?

I mean, I shouldn't have to apologise really, as I have been *pretty fucking busy* this year. Destroying a liver takes more time and effort than maost people realise. Plus I got my Green Left Weekly Carlo's Corner columns to write, like once a fucking week! Like seriously, my latest column -- taking up the key issues facing this country of climate change, corporate profiteering and David "Kochie" Koch -- was more than *840 words long*! Fucking exhausting.

And then in what little spare time I have, I have been singing for the Western Sydney Wanderers, as all decent human beings do, and crying for the Essendon Bombers. The best thing that can be said about the drugs scandal that Essendon may find itself at the centre of is it has the potential to also bring down Manly. It might not stop there either, given the release of a damning ACC report. So let me start very clearly: *should* the scandal of drugs in sport limit itself to the destruction of CARLTON, MANLY and SYDNEY FC, I for one welcome it. (Essendon, however, should be off limits on grounds of... um... being Essendon.)

Regardless of these entirely understandable reasons, I am only too away of just how painful and distressing my multitude of fans find the absence of blog posts. So while I am in the midst of preparing my magnus opus on the issue of our times (Tom Waits), I nonetheless offer you all this wonderful gem of a song -- in which Irish singer-songwriter The Mighty Stef teams up with the legendary Ronnie Drew of The Dubliners and Dave King and Bridget Regan from the Irish American celtic punk band Flogging Molly.

The song is The Mero, written by Pete St John, who has written many Irish folk classics (most notably Fields of Athenry). The song is about Dublin and growing violence plaguing the city. You can read a little bit about the slang and characters that feature in it (and the lyrics) here.

I am not sure when this filmed, but it was clearly right at the very end of Ronnie Drew's life (he died in 2008). Ronnie Drew is a genuine legend of Irish music, his ability to use his voice (once described as "the sound of coke being crushed under a door") giving emotional potency to the songs he sings. Below, he sings another Pete St John classic about Dublin.

"The years have made me bitter, the gargle dims my brain." Tell me about it Ronnie...

The Mighty Stef? Well, he is a seriously underrated performer (at least in Australia, where "not rated at all" would be more accurate). He has three studio albums under his belt and has also recorded with Shane MacGowan. Check the bastard out, in a track that speaks to me deeply...

"It's getting the stage I guess I always knew it would, where I can't walk down my street. I'm getting death threats here and death threats there from every one that I meet..." The man is singing my song.

And Flogging Molly... are just one of my all-time favourite bands. They don't miss. Their songs cuts a lot deeper than some of the drunken bravado that makes up some of the Celtic punk genre (*cough*Dropkick Murphys*cough*). There is a real weariness to their songs -- a sigh that says "Well life pretty much has me beaten, but fuck it, I can still raise my pint glass and sing." I rate their song The Worst Day Since Yesterday one of my absolute top songs of all time. To see them in full flight doing their stuff... see the clip below.

"You drink too much coffee, I drink too much stout..." So very true.

So, no need to thank me. Just buy me a beer -- via the PayPal button on the right-hand side. Or... hell, why not also check out my stand up clip at Five Minutes Live and click "like" if you like to help me win the online comp, based on the most "likes", and FIVE THOUSAND BUCKS. Then I'll buy *you* a beer!*

* Offer only eligible to people called "Carlo Sands".