HELLO! It is Valentines Day and, being the famous romantic that I am, I feel it is important for me to pass on the most crucial piece of information *anyone* could ever give you about relationships. Yes, Uber Facts explains COUPLES WHO DRINK TOGETHER ARE MORE LIKELY TO STAY TOGETHER.
The article explains what *should* be obvious: "Researchers reviewing data collected from 19,977 married couples in one county in Norway reported that spouses who consume about the same amount of alcohol were less likely to divorce than pairs where one partner is a heavy drinker and the other is not ..."
It is just *so sad* when one person is so willing to threaten a relationship by selfishly refusing to drink. As we all know, *it takes at least two* to have a drinking game.
A happy couple.
This might all seem obvious, but we live in strange and disturbing times. Specifically, we live during the so-called FebFast -- a horrific idea whereby a bunch of fools decide to give up drinking *for an entire month*. February *is* the shortest month of the year, yes, but it is still 28-days too long between beers.
I really have no idea why *anyone* would wish to make themselves so goddamn miserable, but even *I* know of at least two people who decided to take part. Luckily, one of them didn't even last a week. The other may well be a lost cause for humanity. But we can all pray for their soul, I suppose.
I am sure you all want to know who is CARLO SANDS' Valentine, so here is the poem I wrote to my TRUE LOVE:
Roses are red,
violets are Blue
Dear Western Sydney Wanderers
I'll always sing for you
'We'll always love you, never betray you...'
What the poem lacks in metre, style, originality and talent, it makes up for with passion. AND PASSION IS NOT A CRIME!
Obviously, I tweeted it to the the Official Twitter Account of the Western Sydney Wanderers, *certain* in the fact they would *love it* and/or block me and take out an AVO. AND SURE ENOUGH THEY RETWEETED IT! And I am yet to hear any word of an AVO, so all is looking good!
I am so glad, coz I can't take much more rejection. Earlier today, I tried to become Nathan Fillion's Valentine. (If you don't know who that is SHAME ON YOU HERE IS A PIECE I WROTE EARLIER ON THE TOPIC).
Fillion tweeted: "Now taking Valentine Applications. No guilt trips or sob stories- GO!" And dozens of his followers got accepted for saying all kinds of random things, like "I'll give you $1.50 and a jolly rancher.” To which Fillion said "Sold. In". Or "I'm a cardiology student, i know the best way to your heart", which got a "Gross. In."
Or even this one: "My safe word is 'Apples'." to which Fillion saw fit to respond: "In. Apples."
Me? I spoke from the heart and said "because I have great cheekbones", which anyone who looks at my picture in the top right hand corner of this blog could tell you! AND I GET NOTHING!
I MEAN, JUST CHECK THE CHEEKBONES OUT BELOW!
So *apparently* these cheekbones are *not good enough* for Captain Mal.
It put me in such a bad mood, I had to listen to Tom Waits. Luckily, Tom Waits has written the *greatest* Valentines Day song ever! Well... not really "luckily" coz it is Tom Waits. I mean, of course he has. AND HERE IT IS!
'And it takes a lot of whiskey to make these nightmares go away.'
I already showed you some pretty good goddamn poetry. But *if anything* this shit is even better! So here are the words to this song listed below in an easy to read fashion RIGHT HERE ON MY BLOG! No worries, just buy me a beer some time (via the "pay pal donate" button on your right).
She sends me blue valentines
All the way from Philadelphia
To mark the anniversary
Of someone that I used to be
And it feels just like there's
A warrant out for my arrest
Got me checkin' in my rearview mirror
And I'm always on the run
That's why I changed my name
And I didn't think you'd ever find me here
To send me blue valentines
Like half forgotten dreams
Like a pebble in my shoe
As I walk these streets
And the ghost of your memory
Is the thistle in the kiss
And the burgler that can break a rose's neck
It's the tattooed broken promise
That I hide beneath my sleeve
And I see you every time I turn my back
She sends me blue valentines
Though I try to remain at large
They're insisting that our love
Must have a eulogy
Why do I save all of this madness
In the nightstand drawer
There to haunt upon my shoulders
Baby I know
I'd be luckier to walk around everywhere I go
With a blind and broken heart
That sleeps beneath my lapel
She sends me my blue valentines
To remind me of my cardinal sin
I can never wash the guilt
Or get these bloodstains off my handa
And it takes a lot of whiskey
To take these nightmares go away
And I cut my bleedin' heart out every night
And I die a little more on each st. valentines day
Remember that I promised I would
These blue valentines
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