Thursday, May 14, 2009

A reply to a reader on Eurovision

I received the following correspondence from a reader, posted as a comment to my celebrated post exposing Great Balkan Eurovision Scam in the lead-up to last years Eurovision — in which I revealed the way that the fundamental right to national self-determination was being abused in order to score the Balkan region more votes.

I include the note and my reply below, for readers consideration before the May 17 2009 Eurovision Grand Final.

From Emily Boots...

Dear Mr. Sands,

Unfortunately, I am not privileged like you and can neither join you on the clean floor of the Shannon nor can I watch the Eurovision contest [I now realise I have been missing all of my miserable life].

Will you be ranking the contenders in the latter, and do you have any suggestions as to how I can watch the contest? Also, where can I place my bets?


My reply...

Dear Emily Boots (if that is your real name, and I have my reasons for doubting the claim),

I have yet to make a proper study of various contenders in Eurovision 2009. However, for reasons that should be clear from my post last year, any of the Balkan nations are a reasonably safe bet.

They are appear to be quite confident this year, judging from the fact that there have been no new moves since last year's contest by the region’s people to create yet another nation with which to rig the vote.

Having said that, there is still three days to go, so we'll see what they do.

Beyond the Balkans, the Scandinavian nations are always a decent chance, especially if one of them decides to put up a Death Metal band in fancy dress troll costumes — such as enabled Finland to take out the prize in 2006.

It is worth noting that Georgia would have been considered a genuine threat, having taken out the 2008 Junior Eurovision Award.

However, it has withdrawn under controversial circumstances — with its chosen song deemed to have breached the competitions rules.

With the contested being held in Moscow (after the surprise Russian 2008 upset) this outrage can only be interpreted as a "Greater Russian" power play.

Under no circumstances put money on England.

As to how to watch it, there really is only one way: with large quantities or rum.

While actual footage may prove hard to come by, something tells me, Ms Boots, that, where you are, rum is one thing you'll find little difficulty laying your hands on.

Rum is the essential ingredient to enjoying Eurovision. Visual and audio from the actual contest are at best a useful addition, and some argue even a hindrance, to the evenings enjoyment.

Yours in the abuse of alcohol,
Carlo Sands (actually deceased — a long story)


  1. I'm disappointed that you make no mention of Germany - a sure winner this year, and a strong contender in others, due mostly to bad taste in hair, jeans, music, consonant-clusters and politicians.

    Once again (see last year's atrocity), I find you remain both horribly biased and insupportably alive (despite spurious claims to the contrary) and stubbornly capable of enzymic digestion of alcohol (still considered the height of rudeness in some cemeteries).

    Yours in post-mortem obscurity,


  2. Dear Anonymous (if that is your real name and I know it isn't)

    I know where you live.

  3. And on my tragic death, which you see fit to mock, I died on October 21, 2008.

    This information was recently revealed to me by a Facebook quiz. As the accuracy of a Facebookz quizzes is beyond question, I had no choice but to accept the fact I had passed on.

    In doing so I was reluctantly forced to accept defeat in my "duel to the death" with a cad whose name I do not see fit to mention on a blog with such integrity.

    Suffice to say the cad had chosen aging as his weapon.

    I recount this tragedy for the broader readership of this blog, having failed,until this point, to provide an explanation beyond the addition to my biographical details of the news of my death.

    I repeat the appeal made in that all-to-brief biographical sketch to send me booze to help me commiserate my untimely passing.


  4. That's funny - I died on exactly the same day (which by odd coincidence was my 30th).

    While it would be good to know that I took someone with me, I have *indisputable* proof that you are, in fact, alive (if you can call what it is that you do "living").

    Suffice to say that your liver has malfunctioned to the point where you are incapable of distinguishing between your drunken and sober states, thereby producing a sense of "death", made worse (like everything else) by Facebook.

    And no, you don't know where I "live". How can you call this "living"? Was that meant to be some kind of threat.

    Yours in post-mortem pestilence,


    P.S. My point on the inevitable denimo-teutonification of Eurovision stands.

  5. By "alive" I take it you mean according to the normal scientific standards.

    Carlo Sands does not recognise so-called "laws" of science.

  6. Dear Mr Sands,
    Let me say that I was devastated to hear of your death and was forced to take refuge in a bottle of chilled Stolypin (rum being so 20th Century) and said Stoly being a tribute of sorts to the upcoming you-know-what (which hopefully has not been marred by the Georgian acts of aggression).
    I confess to great disappointment in your failure to tell me exactly how to watch the Eurovision contest (assuming it occurs--- we need to watch closely the entrants from the Ukraine, Latvia and Estonia, who are rumoured to be planning to sing 'We don't wanna put in' as part of the CIA-Mossad campaign of disruption). However, I am prepared to give you a bit of leeway, given your state of health (death being generally considered a bad sign). You can redeem yourself in my (bloodshot) eyes if you can pass on to me some information to which you seem privy: you claim to know where I am (your reference to rum), which is something I have been trying figure out for a while now.
    Meanwhile, I will create a google alert for 'The Death of Carlo Sands: the Sequel' so I can be the first in my neighbourhood (wherever that is) to know about upcoming events. Idle gossip (the worst kind) has tapped Johnny Depp for a key role, but we've been disappointed before.
    emily boots (definitely my true name, more or less)