I received the following correspondence from a reader, posted as a comment to my celebrated post exposing Great Balkan Eurovision Scam in the lead-up to last years Eurovision — in which I revealed the way that the fundamental right to national self-determination was being abused in order to score the Balkan region more votes.
I include the note and my reply below, for readers consideration before the May 17 2009 Eurovision Grand Final.
From Emily Boots...
Dear Mr. Sands,
Unfortunately, I am not privileged like you and can neither join you on the clean floor of the Shannon nor can I watch the Eurovision contest [I now realise I have been missing all of my miserable life].
Will you be ranking the contenders in the latter, and do you have any suggestions as to how I can watch the contest? Also, where can I place my bets?
Dear Emily Boots (if that is your real name, and I have my reasons for doubting the claim),
I have yet to make a proper study of various contenders in Eurovision 2009. However, for reasons that should be clear from my post last year, any of the Balkan nations are a reasonably safe bet.
They are appear to be quite confident this year, judging from the fact that there have been no new moves since last year's contest by the region’s people to create yet another nation with which to rig the vote.
Having said that, there is still three days to go, so we'll see what they do.
Beyond the Balkans, the Scandinavian nations are always a decent chance, especially if one of them decides to put up a Death Metal band in fancy dress troll costumes — such as enabled Finland to take out the prize in 2006.
It is worth noting that Georgia would have been considered a genuine threat, having taken out the 2008 Junior Eurovision Award.
However, it has withdrawn under controversial circumstances — with its chosen song deemed to have breached the competitions rules.
With the contested being held in Moscow (after the surprise Russian 2008 upset) this outrage can only be interpreted as a "Greater Russian" power play.
Under no circumstances put money on England.
As to how to watch it, there really is only one way: with large quantities or rum.
While actual footage may prove hard to come by, something tells me, Ms Boots, that, where you are, rum is one thing you'll find little difficulty laying your hands on.
Rum is the essential ingredient to enjoying Eurovision. Visual and audio from the actual contest are at best a useful addition, and some argue even a hindrance, to the evenings enjoyment.
Yours in the abuse of alcohol,
Carlo Sands (actually deceased — a long story)