Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Carlo Sands has returned from exile

I am sorry to the legions of Carlo Sands fans out there for the delay since my last post.

Yes I got all of you desperate emails begging for me to return.

No it is probably best if I don't send any of you my underwear, please don't ask again, it is a little weird.

Forget all the media rumours and speculation (to set the record straight I have only met Amy Winehouse once or twice and she seemed a wonderful young woman).

The real story is I have only just got out of rehab with Ben Cousins.

And talk about media bullshit. Can they get anything right?

How wrong could they be about Cousin's infamous stay in LA at the end of last year? For a start, I am neither blonde nor a woman.

The real story of Benny's LA lost weekend remains untold, and it is a story I will take with me to the grave. Depending on the size of ACA's cheque book.

So anyway, I managed to get my passport returned and I am back in action.

So what has been happening while I was otherwise preoccupied?

There is a God!

Definitive proof has been found of the existence of a higher being.

It has come in the form of Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

As soon as I heard the full details of this film, I converted the nearest religious institution, which happened to be Jainist.

(Don't ask me what that is, I left as soon as I read their wiki page and saw them described as "the most literate religious community" — I mean who the fuck still reads things, don't they have DVD players?)

This is the film I have waited my entire life for.

Yes, that right, my entire life.

When I was born, my first words were: “When is Johnny Depp going to star alongside Helena Bonham Carter in a Tim Burton gothic horror musical set in 19th Century London about a serial killing barber based on one of the most famous penny dreadfuls — with Alan Rickman playing the evil judge? Coz That would be fucking cool!”

And it is.

My whole life, just waiting for a film with Johnny Depp and Helena Bohnam Carter playing both leads (Corpses Bride not withstanding — it was animated).

Add to it all the other factors and it was simply impossible this film could have failed. It was destined from its inception to be brilliant.

And it is.

Utterly brilliant.

There ain't no Devil there's just God when he's drunk

... as the Great Man once said.

In this world, nothing good happens that isn't followed by something horrific.

Love is followed by heartache. Drunkenness by hangovers.

And brilliant films and acting performances by NO FUCKING OSCARS!!!

That is right, at the 80th Academy Awards, Johnny Depp was robbed yet again!

What has this guy got to do? Greatest fucking actor of his generation and not one Oscar. For god's sake, Tom Hanks has won two!!!

Does anyone else spot the completely fucked thing in this picture?

What sort of world are we living in? Knowledge like this makes it truly hard to go on.

Even worse, Helena Bohnam Carter was not even nominated for best supporting actress. Did the judges even watch the film?

There is something very very wrong here.

The Academy should all be ashamed of themselves.

Carlo Sands does not approve.


  1. johnny depp will get his award.

    i think johnny's more about making memorable films than academy awards-esque films.

    that's how he gets nominated for pirates of the carribean...definitly not an "academy-type" of film to nominate.

  2. Dear "rc", if that really is your name — and I for one doubt it — I thank you for your comments and I understand what you are saying.

    But I think you miss the point here.

    Did I mention Tom Hanks has two Oscars? Two?!?

    That guy is like the ultimate anti-Depp.

    That Johnn Depp got nominated for an Oscar playing a kids Disney film character as a drunken bisexual is a sign of his genius.

    That he didn't win is a sign of the Academy's utter bankruptcy.

    You say he makes "memorable films" not "Academy-esque" films. That is the entire problem. The system is rotten and must be changed.

    Why must we put up with mediocrity? Why must we have Tom Hanks existence validated by those who claim to reward talent?

    People say "what do you expect?" I say Ya Basta! Enough!

    We should rise up and demand the Academy be reformed so that it takes into consideration actual talent.

    If this demand be revolutionary, and it is, then so be it.

    And if they wont give into our demands, then, as JFK once said, those who make peaceful revolution impossible make violent revolution inevitable.

    If it takes a few Academy judges swinging from the lamp posts to get them to break into Tom Hanks home and steal back his Oscars, scratch out his name and hand them to Johnny Depp with a heartfelt apology and appropriate compensation for their error, then so be it.

    Hopefully, it wont come to that, but we must be willing to win our cause by ANY MEANS NECCESSARY.

    This is a call to arms. Are we going to sit around passively and just HOPE that one day for those pampered Academy big wigs to come to their cocaine-addled senses and give Johnny Depp an Oscar?

    Or are we gonna fight for justice?

    Never forget, as Martin Luther King once said, that all it takes for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing.

    Stay tuned for the beginnings of the campaign.