Thursday, July 16, 2009

Buy me a beer, Lord

Anyone who knows me can affirm I am fundamentally a creative, artist creature. The heart of a poet beats deep inside of Carlo Sands.

Long-time readers of this blog will know, this is not the first poem I have chosen to publish — to bare my soul before the world.

I feel the "I WILL KILL YOU NOW FUCK OFF AND GET ME A DRINK — a poem" has never received the critical acclaim it deserves.

It is often said that a true artistic genius has to die before they are recognised. But, as I have aleady explained, I died on October 31, 2008 and I have the Facebook quiz "When will you die" as my death certificate.

Still, I await in vain for the accolades that this epic is overdue.

Not to be deterred by lack of recognition I have faced even in death, I hereby publish a more recent work.

As the few who truly know me can attest, I am also quite spiritual.

All of us have a chance, an opportunity and, some may say, even a duty to develop and nurture our own personal relationship with Jesus Christ, Our Saviour.

I was moved to put down my own thoughts and feelings on the profound relationship I personally enjoy with our Lord Above in the form of a poem.

Plus, I happen to be quite broke right now. We are told that Jesus loves us, and I thought now would be a good time to cash that cheque.

Plus, it's His shout.

* * *

Buy Me a Beer Lord
— a poem by Carlo Sands

Oh, God

Get me a beer, Lord
I've sick of the world
hand me a beer, Lord
coz I've sick of it all

Oh, God

Could you buy me a beer, Lord?
I hate everything
Buy us a beer, Lord
actually, second thoughts, make mine a gin

Oh God

Buy me a beer, Lord
I am hard up right now
Get us a beer while you're there, Lord
anyway, it's your fucking shout

Thank Christ!

Thank you, Lord
for this amber gift
Now with your offering of love,
I'm going to get pissed

Yeah thanks heaps, Lord
for your alcoholic gift
now leave me alone, Lord
so I can get pissed


  1. That's a really shite poem dude, and I don't think you can credibly claim Mojo Nixon etc ripped it off. It's just bad.

  2. Dear Anonymous (if that really is your name and I can only give you the benefit of the doubt that it is and you would not be so cowardly as to lie when offering something so fundamentally significant as poetry criticism)

    Let me deal with your criticism of the Poetic Epic I have chosen to call “Buy Me a Beer Lord” in parts.

    Firstly, I do not believe you know much about poetry. I have determined this through a simple deductive method based on your obviously false statement that it is “shite”.

    What do you think this poem was? Something I posted as a joke while pissed simply because I was bored?


    This particular work of art was the product of *years* of study. It was perfected, painstakingly, over countless nights before I saw fit to present it to the world. I studied, in depth, the complex and dialectical relationship between form and content in the poetry genre.

    In my search, I have concluded that what may be considered, by narrow-minded “mainstream” poets and critics, as “reasonable”, “decent” and “not completely crap” to be quite worthless.

    This was not, of course, my first “foray” into the world of poetry. It was preceded by an effort, also published on this blog, entitled “I KILL YOU now fuck off and get me a beer — a poem”.

    This work, of which my entire life until that point had been working towards, was shortlisted for *both* the 2007 Nobel Prize for Literature *and* the peace prize — a world first, I am told.

    Now, I shall move on to what is quite patently the most ridiculous part of your attempt at criticism: “I don't think you can credibly claim Mojo Nixon etc ripped it off.”

    I can’t “credibly claim”? For goodness sakes, Anonymous, *all* Mojo Nixon needed to rip of my poem was a functional time machine that could take him 13-odd years into the future for him to stumble across this blog, see my groundbreaking effort, get back in his time machine, hook-up with former Dead Kennedys lead singer Jello Biafra and record it on a joint album!

    If you don’t find that credible, I have some fairies in the garden I’d like you to meet. (They are called Jim. I find it easier to call them all Jim.)

    And *anyone* who knows *anything* knows full well the international conspiracy among a selection of semi-obscure artists of the Mojo Nixon-type to keep a tight control over time-travel technology in order to steal work from hard working bloggers like myself to reproduce our hard work, years earlier, in obscure album releases.

    It is you, “dude”, who lacks credibility in this matter.

    As to “Buy Me a Beer Lord”, a sincere appeal to the supposed “Saviour” of all humanity, let me just point out this one simple fact: the fucking bastard so-called “Lord” is still yet to fucking cough up and buy me the fucking beer I am so long overdue.

    Finally, I thank you sincerely for your considered comment and bring to your attention the wide array of “google ads” I have kindly provided at the top of the blog. Feel free to peruse and, of course, *click* on anything you find of interest.

    I provide the ads as a service to all readers, and as a way to pay for my bar tab before Paddy sends out the kneecappers.

    Yours in artistic endeavor,

    Carlo Sands