Wow, what a huge couple of weeks in world events! On dictators, popes, Wanderers and... a BRAND NEW CONVERSATION FILM!

Well, what a huge few weeks it has been in world events!

It has truly been one dramatic development after another. Let's just start with March 5, when Venezuelan tyrant Hugo Chavez lost his final battle with cancer and is no doubt rotting in Hell for all of his terrible and well-documented crimes against humanity -- such as winning 15 elections in just 14 years, eradicating illiteracy and calling George Bush a war criminal.

I detail more of the terrible crimes in the most recent Carlo's Corner at Green Left Weekly. But be warned, it is pretty confronting stuff, so maybe don't read it while eating. Especially, if like the Wall Street Journal's Mary O'Grady, you cannot stomach what she refers to as "the mob", but who are also commonly known as "ordinary people". (It is always so *unsettling*, isn't it, when the mob vote for a politican and then the politican keeps his promises and enacts polices in their favour. It is *so* cheating to, like, take democracy *totally* literally and shit.)




Like all dictators,Chavez had a deep fear of his own people. Above, he is confronted by angry Venezuelan citizens protesting the spread of free education and health care. Below, Chavez tries to flee from steel workers furious the tyrant had nationalised their exploitative multinational steel giant boss and then signed a collective contract granting their demands.




And a new Pope! WE FINALLY HAVE A NEW POPE I WAS SO LOST WITHOUT ONE AND NOW THERE IS A NEW ONE AND HE HATES WOMEN AND GAYS AND EVERYTING! HE'S PERFECT!

Oh, sure he helped Argentina's fascist military dictatorship commits its crimes against humanity, but, I mean come on, who among us can honestly say we have not kidnapped and tortured the odd priest?

It is an intersting thing, though, the media coverage of all this. Pope Francis supports the poor and Chavez was a tyrant. *Such* a strong grasp of reality.




'Oh come on! We've all helped kidnap the odd priest!'


And, of course, news just doesn't get much bigger than the Western Sydney Wanderers smashing Melbourne Heart in Melbourne to win an A-League record of TEN GAMES IN A FUCKING ROW.

The win goes a long way to ensure they are premiers in the THEIR FIRST EVER FUCKING SEASON with less than half the players' wage bill than their uptown rivals Sydney "Bling" FC ("Bling" is not an insult I invented ... they actually CALLED THEMSELVES "BLING" AS A MARKETING PLOY), with a team made up mainly of cast offs from other teams and with fuck-all resources.




YES! WANDERERS!!! The players (above) and fans who travelled down from Sydney (below) celebrate in the rain after the Wanderers win a record 10 games straight in Melbourne on March 16.




But the without any doubt the biggest and most dramatic news of this month came on March 1 ... YES it was the day so many believed they woud never see, but after an *agonising* 20-months wait, the world was finally rewarded with the release of A NEW CONVERSATION FILM BY CARLO SANDS AND BEN!!!!

Following on from the glory that was the critically acclaimed blockbuster Conversation IV: This Time it's Sensual, myself and Ben finally caved to the ceaseless demands of our fans and produced the much anticiapted sequel Conversation V: The Return -- a heartwarming film based on the true story of Ben's leaving from and return to Sydney. CHECK THIS SHIT OUT!




The latest installment in the groundbreaking 'Conversation' film series tackles the big issues of loss and rediscovery in the journey of life. As one critic, called "Ben", movingly wrote: 'Watching this film is like squeezing a pimple of joy and getting the pus of happiness in your eye'.


Christ, I swear to God this is more excitement than anyone could be expected to bear. So... I know... why don't you relax and have a chuckle or two by watching my entry into the Five Minutes Live stand up comedy online video competition... all you have to do is sign in, watch it and =thejn click like if you like it... I am currently ahead, but it runs until September and if I am ahead in Septmeber I win FIVE FUCKING GRAND AND I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL BU YOU A BEER I PROMISE YOU! TRUST ME!




'And nothing ever happens, nothing happens at all...' Wow, how wrong were Scottish band Del Amitri in this single from 1989?

An important message for Valentines Day, plus a poem and a Tom Waits song!

HELLO! It is Valentines Day and, being the famous romantic that I am, I feel it is important for me to pass on the most crucial piece of information *anyone* could ever give you about relationships. Yes, Uber Facts explains COUPLES WHO DRINK TOGETHER ARE MORE LIKELY TO STAY TOGETHER.

The article explains what *should* be obvious: "Researchers reviewing data collected from 19,977 married couples in one county in Norway reported that spouses who consume about the same amount of alcohol were less likely to divorce than pairs where one partner is a heavy drinker and the other is not ..."

It is just *so sad* when one person is so willing to threaten a relationship by selfishly refusing to drink. As we all know, *it takes at least two* to have a drinking game.





A happy couple.


This might all seem obvious, but we live in strange and disturbing times. Specifically, we live during the so-called FebFast -- a horrific idea whereby a bunch of fools decide to give up drinking *for an entire month*. February *is* the shortest month of the year, yes, but it is still 28-days too long between beers.

I really have no idea why *anyone* would wish to make themselves so goddamn miserable, but even *I* know of at least two people who decided to take part. Luckily, one of them didn't even last a week. The other may well be a lost cause for humanity. But we can all pray for their soul, I suppose.

I am sure you all want to know who is CARLO SANDS' Valentine, so here is the poem I wrote to my TRUE LOVE:

Roses are red,
violets are Blue
Dear Western Sydney Wanderers
I'll always sing for you





'We'll always love you, never betray you...'



What the poem lacks in metre, style, originality and talent, it makes up for with passion. AND PASSION IS NOT A CRIME!

Obviously, I tweeted it to the the Official Twitter Account of the Western Sydney Wanderers, *certain* in the fact they would *love it* and/or block me and take out an AVO. AND SURE ENOUGH THEY RETWEETED IT! And I am yet to hear any word of an AVO, so all is looking good!

I am so glad, coz I can't take much more rejection. Earlier today, I tried to become Nathan Fillion's Valentine. (If you don't know who that is SHAME ON YOU HERE IS A PIECE I WROTE EARLIER ON THE TOPIC).

Fillion tweeted: "Now taking Valentine Applications. No guilt trips or sob stories- GO!" And dozens of his followers got accepted for saying all kinds of random things, like "I'll give you $1.50 and a jolly rancher.” To which Fillion said "Sold. In". Or "I'm a cardiology student, i know the best way to your heart", which got a "Gross. In."

Or even this one: "My safe word is 'Apples'." to which Fillion saw fit to respond: "In. Apples."

Me? I spoke from the heart and said "because I have great cheekbones", which anyone who looks at my picture in the top right hand corner of this blog could tell you! AND I GET NOTHING!

I MEAN, JUST CHECK THE CHEEKBONES OUT BELOW!




So *apparently* these cheekbones are *not good enough* for Captain Mal.



It put me in such a bad mood, I had to listen to Tom Waits. Luckily, Tom Waits has written the *greatest* Valentines Day song ever! Well... not really "luckily" coz it is Tom Waits. I mean, of course he has. AND HERE IT IS!




'And it takes a lot of whiskey to make these nightmares go away.'


I already showed you some pretty good goddamn poetry. But *if anything* this shit is even better! So here are the words to this song listed below in an easy to read fashion RIGHT HERE ON MY BLOG! No worries, just buy me a beer some time (via the "pay pal donate" button on your right).

BLUE VALENTINES

She sends me blue valentines
All the way from Philadelphia
To mark the anniversary
Of someone that I used to be
And it feels just like there's
A warrant out for my arrest
Got me checkin' in my rearview mirror
And I'm always on the run
That's why I changed my name
And I didn't think you'd ever find me here

To send me blue valentines
Like half forgotten dreams
Like a pebble in my shoe
As I walk these streets
And the ghost of your memory
Is the thistle in the kiss
And the burgler that can break a rose's neck
It's the tattooed broken promise
That I hide beneath my sleeve
And I see you every time I turn my back

She sends me blue valentines
Though I try to remain at large
They're insisting that our love
Must have a eulogy
Why do I save all of this madness
In the nightstand drawer
There to haunt upon my shoulders
Baby I know
I'd be luckier to walk around everywhere I go
With a blind and broken heart
That sleeps beneath my lapel

She sends me my blue valentines
To remind me of my cardinal sin
I can never wash the guilt
Or get these bloodstains off my handa
And it takes a lot of whiskey
To take these nightmares go away
And I cut my bleedin' heart out every night
And I die a little more on each st. valentines day
Remember that I promised I would
Write you...
These blue valentines
Blue valentines
Blue valentines