Carlo Sands has returned from exile

I am sorry to the legions of Carlo Sands fans out there for the delay since my last post.

Yes I got all of you desperate emails begging for me to return.

No it is probably best if I don't send any of you my underwear, please don't ask again, it is a little weird.

Forget all the media rumours and speculation (to set the record straight I have only met Amy Winehouse once or twice and she seemed a wonderful young woman).

The real story is I have only just got out of rehab with Ben Cousins.

And talk about media bullshit. Can they get anything right?

How wrong could they be about Cousin's infamous stay in LA at the end of last year? For a start, I am neither blonde nor a woman.

The real story of Benny's LA lost weekend remains untold, and it is a story I will take with me to the grave. Depending on the size of ACA's cheque book.

So anyway, I managed to get my passport returned and I am back in action.

So what has been happening while I was otherwise preoccupied?

There is a God!

Definitive proof has been found of the existence of a higher being.

It has come in the form of Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

As soon as I heard the full details of this film, I converted the nearest religious institution, which happened to be Jainist.

(Don't ask me what that is, I left as soon as I read their wiki page and saw them described as "the most literate religious community" — I mean who the fuck still reads things, don't they have DVD players?)

This is the film I have waited my entire life for.

Yes, that right, my entire life.

When I was born, my first words were: “When is Johnny Depp going to star alongside Helena Bonham Carter in a Tim Burton gothic horror musical set in 19th Century London about a serial killing barber based on one of the most famous penny dreadfuls — with Alan Rickman playing the evil judge? Coz That would be fucking cool!”

And it is.

My whole life, just waiting for a film with Johnny Depp and Helena Bohnam Carter playing both leads (Corpses Bride not withstanding — it was animated).

Add to it all the other factors and it was simply impossible this film could have failed. It was destined from its inception to be brilliant.

And it is.

Utterly brilliant.

There ain't no Devil there's just God when he's drunk

... as the Great Man once said.

In this world, nothing good happens that isn't followed by something horrific.

Love is followed by heartache. Drunkenness by hangovers.

And brilliant films and acting performances by NO FUCKING OSCARS!!!

That is right, at the 80th Academy Awards, Johnny Depp was robbed yet again!

What has this guy got to do? Greatest fucking actor of his generation and not one Oscar. For god's sake, Tom Hanks has won two!!!

Does anyone else spot the completely fucked thing in this picture?

What sort of world are we living in? Knowledge like this makes it truly hard to go on.

Even worse, Helena Bohnam Carter was not even nominated for best supporting actress. Did the judges even watch the film?

There is something very very wrong here.

The Academy should all be ashamed of themselves.

Carlo Sands does not approve.

Dear Facebook friend: give me proper booze or FUCK OFF!!!

I never realised what a fucking evil and outrageous institution Facebook was when I joined up. I was innocent, naive. Forgive me Lord, for I knew not what I had joined. A friend — or so I thought — sent me an invite to join this thing I knew nothing about. It all seemed like such harmless fun.

How wrong I was.

Now if you go on Facebook you will see a thousand different groups claiming it is all a grand CIA consirpiacy, or denouncing some latest alleged violation of personal privacy.

Well I say there are much greater problems with this institution.

Let's start with this: So-called friends *repeatedly* send you so-called drinks. Like they are doing you some kind of favour.

Of course, I am for people buying me drinks. But there is one small problem. THEY DON'T FUCKING EXIST!

That's right — you cannot consume a Facebook drink. Take note, everyone, a Facebook drink, no matter how many "Tequilla Sunrises", "Cockersucking Cowboys", or "Irish Carbombs" you may deign to send, CANNOT get anyone drunk.

Now, maybe you missed a meeting, but that is kind of THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT of alcohol.

I mean, what kind of person thinks *fictional booze* is a good idea??? What is this post-modern drug abuse everyone is so keen to promote?

Is this someone's idea of a sick joke? Well, I for one want to see corpses hanging from lamposts in response. Teach the fuckers a lesson.

You see, alcohol is not a joke. No! It exists for a reason. To get *drunk*. And you are all taking its name in vain.

It appears to be some kind of taunt to us alcoholics. Here, have drink! On me! Only... you can't *actually* consume it. Have fun!

It isn't as though I don't appreciate the sentiment. I just happen to think that a law should be passed that says anyone who sends a fictional drink to someone else using this evil institution is required, on pain of death, at the next convenient moment, to transform this positive "drink buying" sentiment into a material reality — and buy the *real fucking thing*!

Otherwise, I thank you not to waste my time.