Tuesday, October 06, 2020

Jesus and the Devil discuss recent developments


[The Devil is in Hell. His phone rings, seeing who it is, he answers with a roll of the eyes]


DEVIL: Hello Jesus.


[Cut to Jesus in Heaven on the phone trying to smooth talk]


JESUS: Lucifer, mate, howyagoing down there?


DEVIL: I know why you’re calling and the answer is no. If he dies, we're NOT having him.


JESUS: Oh come Luce, he’s CLEARLY one of yours!


DEVIL: I don’t care, there’s NO WAY I’m going to let a bloke with hair like that anywhere near my lake of fire. That thing catches light and the whole place goes up!


JESUS: Now you’re being ridiculous.


DEVIL: I've got an aesthetic! I'm not letting some jumped up failed salesman get the coal furnace grate on the Eighth Circle gold plated!


JESUS: Well we can hardly have him run around up here trying to get planning permission to turn some clouds into racially cleansed tower blocks. And Dad will have a fit if he gets a KFC drive through put in. Plus his best friend is already down there! You know, that Jeffrey guy, loves jets.


DEVIL: I dunno...


JESUS: He’s not even that likely to die. Unlike the thousands who’ve died due to through his administration’s denialism and psychotic profits-first approach in a wealthy nation without a functioning public health system, he’s getting the absolutely best care accessible only to the rich and powerful in a stunning example of the US’s descent into a dysfunctional oligarchy!


DEVIL: Oh don’t get all political on me, Mr Hashtag Bernie Would Have Won. I tell you what. If he dies, we’ll take him on ONE condition. You get Mike Pence.


JESUS: oh cone on you know we can’t stand those Bible bashers up here! They’re always “Leviticus this” “Sodom and Gomorrah that” and I’m like READ MY FUCKING SERMON ON THE MOUNT! But OK, you take the orange baboon and we’ve got a deal. 


DEVIL: Good doing business with you [hangs up] Pompous prat.

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