Wednesday, November 06, 2013

The Clicktavist Spam Template

I name no names. I think we all know.


Dear __________ (i)

Did you see the news?(ii) Our community(iii) is achieving some big things!(iv)

Please take 30 seconds to follow the link and send a message(v) so our government knows(vi) that we won’t let them do this in our name!(vii)

We can’t do this without you!(viii) Together(ix) we know can do it!(x)

Thanks for all that you do!(xi)

Barry, Sam, Jenny, Mariah, Micky, Babyface Vinnie, Jimmy The Hat, and Joey “Killer” Marconi(xii)


(i) Name to be inserted by computer program and most likely screwed up, undermining our pathetic attempt to appear genuinely chummy.

(ii) Some hack journo finally got sick of us calling and did a 300-word story on us -- crammed in between articles on Miley Cyrus’s relationship break up and one about a Kim Kardashian tweet -- which we are going to use to promote the illusion of our relevance.

(iii) A random collection of emails from people who once took 10 seconds out of their day to stop looking at cat gifs on tumblr to click “sign” on a petition they didn’t read and now get their inboxes spammed ten times a week.

(iv) Some scrap has been thrown our way that we can pretend is progress while on all the big points, the alliance of governments and huge corporations continues driving humanity towards total destruction. But that’s depressing. So here is something that happened that we can exaggerate to the point where our claims of progress become barefaced lies.

(v) Seriously, for fuck’s sake! It won’t even take 30 seconds you lazy pricks, we cannot have made it easier for you to cleanse your conscience with about two clicks of a fucking mouse so stop looking at cat gifs and/or porn and help us justify our existence!

(vi) Of course, the government also knows no one sending this message would ever vote for them in a trillion years if the alternatives were a slug and a rotten mango covered in swastikas.

(vii)The government has absolutely no intention of doing it in any of your names, you bloody idiots. They are taking all the credit for themselves.

(viii) It takes two to spam! Us to send the email and you to delete it!

(ix) See above.

(x) Assuming “it” is engaging in a deluded congratulatory wankfest.

(xi) Seriously is it *that hard* to click the link and press “send” you useless fuckers?

(xii) We are a bunch of 30-something failed student politicians who hate each other and just spent the past 20 minutes in a screaming match over who was responsible for failing to wash up the coffee mugs in the office sink. Also, some of us sound like gangsters.

To sum up that up, I am not sure why supporting progressive social change means you have to accept being patronised like a small child and feed bullshit.

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