Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Finally, definitive proof there is no God (or is the Tom Waits hypothesis proven?)

Tony Abbott survives nearly being hit by semi-trailor

Ergo: no God.

An alternative may be what is known in philosophical circles as the "Tom Waits hypothesis".

It is a succinct argument that explains in its totality all the thorny theological issues related to the horrific state of the world and the question of the existence of a single all-knowing, all-powerful deity.

It deftly side-steps the issues that have dogged theolegians for centuries, such as free will versus determinism.

Actually, Tom Waits has offered two positions, but both are equally effective.

The first is the thesis provided in the 1980 song Heartattack and Vine, in which Waits offers up the following supposition: "Don't you know there aint no devil, there's just God when he's drunk."

A convincing argument, but perhaps it depends too much on the variable that God has yet to sober up. That is a big variable given how little is known about the quality of a deity's liver and whether it can handle a drinking binge at least 6000 years long.

A second, equally intriguing, hypothesis offered up by Waits came in the 2002 song below. Equally straightforward, but with a wider variety of annecdotal evidence provided to prove the absence in the world of said deity, the argument is this: God's away on business.

"Who are the ones that we kept in charge? Killers, thieves and lawyers." Tom Waits makes his case for an extended working holiday by God as the primary cause of the deteriorating conditions of hunan civilisation in late monopoly capitalism.


More theological discusions by Waits:

"Perhaps he is away indefinately? Perhaps he was never here? There are two different schools of thought on this."

"God's a short guy who started in the mailroom and, you know, worked his way up and invested well."


"This stuff will probably kill ya, let's do another line." Waits groundbreaking exploration of the philosophical issues plaguing theologians for centuries also offers up invaluable medical advice.


  1. "God is a real estate developer." ~Michelle Shocked

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