Here at An Alcoholic's Guide To Modern Life (AAGTML), we* strive to provide you, the reader, with fresh daily content for your enjoyment and enlightenment, and before this post we had managed to provide a sum total of two posts for 2018 to date, which frankly is a pretty good fucking hit rate for a blog with "alcoholic" in its title.
Anyway, in big news, I've got a new job that gives enough cash to drink myself to death, but not the time to do the drinking, that old catch-22 of the working man. Of course, the harder you work, the more you value your weekends and so here is my average Saturday, which is today motherfuckers!
ME: Oh Saturday! Finally, a chance to sleep in as long as we like, eh brain?
BRAIN: Yeah, lol, fuck that shit WAKE UP NOW!
ME: But... it's like 6am, like I don't even wake up at 6am on weekdays! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
BRAIN: I know, I'm crazy! This is what you get, arsehole, for constantly trying to kill me off with booze!
ME: Yeah? [Picks up bottle] Well fuck you! I'm gonna poison you real good now, you self-sabotaging prick!
BRAIN: WHAT? No, no no no no no COME ON DUDE! PLEASE! NOT IRISH WHISKEY! YOU KNOW IT MAKES ME SING! I CAN'T SING! PLEASE!
ME: [chug chug chug]
BRAIN: [Out of tune] 'I met my love by the gas works wall... IT'S A DIRTY OLD TOWN, IT'S A DIRTY OLD TOOOOOOWN....'
ME: HAHAHAHA you really can't sing! HAHAHA THIS IS HILARIOUS!
BRAIN: YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS TOMORROW! YOU ARE GOING TO FEEL SO MUCH PAIN!
ME: Haha... oh shit.
Here is a loosely related new song by outlaw country act Sarah Shook and the Disclaimers with a clever inversion of the late great Merle Haggard's classic, "Tonight The Bottle Let Me down".
Every day you tell me I'm a drunkard
And every night you lie awake and stew
I never claimed to be anything other, darling
'Cause the bottle never lets me down the way you do
Every night I sit 'til sun-up drinkin'
And every day I wait for night to fall
So I can clear the darkest mem'ries from my recollection
And hear no sounds and feel nothing at all...
* I use the "royal we" coz... I don't need a fucking reason!
Thank you Michael (if that really is your name and I can't see why you'd lie), Sarah Shook is pretty great.ReplyDelete
Yours in liver destruction,