How to celebrate the festive season appropriately

It is now February and the "festive season" is now well and truly behind us. I, for one, say thank christ.

It is not an easy time for those of us who dedicate ourselves to hedonism and substance abuse. Suddenly, everyone else decides to get in on the act.

In other circumstances, this would of course be welcomed with glee. But the context gives it a mocking character. "One more, it is the festive season after all..."

Well, fuck you.

What about those of us for whom this is not some "once-a-year" holiday, but who battle week-in and week-out all year round to destroy ourselves in sacrifice to the God of intoxication?

The worst is New Years' Eve.

It is the only day of the year I encourage responsible drinking. That way, there will be less out-of-control drunks to trip over when staggering home some time on January 1.

If you love getting wrecked so much, why don't you do make the effort all year round? Fucking "booze tourists" is all these people are. Making a mockery of alcohol abuse.

Either take you booze seriously, or stop getting in the fucking way at the bar.

Nonetheless, I have to say, I have learned something important this last festive season. There is indeed a proper, respectable way to celebrate it.

The events detailed below occurred on Boxing Day. They occurred in Perth, which is a little known town on the west coast of Australia. Not much happens there and their pubs are uniformly shit-house, so you probably have never heard of it.

As to whether the person in the story is my sister, I can neither confirm nor deny. My lawyer has advised me to make no further comment on the matter at this point in time.

What I will say is no one can deny she pays her dues in the drinking game.

So, my eye was taken by a Facebook status message posted by my sister (or not, as the case may be).

It read: "really should not wee in public."

Now, I saw that and thought to myself, oh dear, she's gotten a little tiddly and had to go and found some ill-conceived bushes and some people walked by and she doesn't think they saw her but she can't be sure, little embarrassing that.

No.

I was wrong.

When I asked where in public she had gone to wee the answer I got was: "On a car."

Her car?

No, a strangers.

It was, to be precise, a 4WD. And you have to say, on grounds of environmental consciousness, the action can hardly be faulted.

It seems that she and some friends were on their way to a party, having already partaken in perhaps a drink or two. Possibly, she was already a little affected.

Regardless, she had a definite need to go.

She wasn't the only one and as they made their way to the party, one of her friends spoke up first. Desperate for relief, she said "I'm going between those cars".

Never one to be outdone, my sister shouted, "Yeah, I'm going to go off a car!"

The 4WD conveniently had a ladder down its side. This was a key defence used by my sister when describing these events: "It had a ladder!"

Frankly, I think being a 4WD is asking for it enough, but a ladder to the roof is no doubt extra temptation.

So she climbed up and her pants came down.

I inquired as to whether she was caught by the owners.

"No”, she said. "But an old couple walked by".

"And", she added, "you should have seen the look on their faces".

"I've seen everything now", said the man.

"Is that your car?", asked the woman.

When the answer came back negative, the elderly woman said: "Then maybe you should down from there then."

My sister could only oblige, pulling up her pants and descending the ladder.

Reaching the bottom and looking around her, she realised her friends were long gone.

The key thing is she found her way to the party.

Her night ended, she told me, with her partner yelling at her: "No one care's about Boonie!" and going to bed. You have to know my sister to understand that last point.

So there we have the standard set by an expert in the field of excess. This provides a fine example of the appropriate way to celebrate the festive season, a task that is far from simple.

A benchmark has been set. "How were your holidays?" If you can't answer along the lines of "I stood on a strangers car and urinated", then you should be ashamed of yourself.

That I cannot offer a similar example of my own from the just-past season of festivities is something I have to live with ever day. I can only pledge to make amends when the Christmas-New Year period comes upon us once more.