"I'm just gonna go home, lie down, and listen to country music. The music of pain."
So said a wounded Xander Harris.
Country music has always tended towards the sorrowful and downright depressing. The legendary Hank Williams, (the "granddaddy of 'em all" as it might, somewhat unfortunately, be put) is, after all, in the Guinness Book of Records for releasing the single greatest number of songs with the word "lonesome" in the title.
He is also in at least the top five for releasing songs with a title including the term "blues" — not uncommonly paired with "lonesome".
Sometimes the phrase "lovesick" is even thrown in for good effect.
Take, for example, this more or less standard Hank Williams number, entitled "Long Gone Lonesome Blues"
This is a song in which things are going so badly for the protagonist that he cannot even succeed in ending his agony via suicide.
While you need to hear Hank's trademark "yodel of pain" to fully appreciate the suffering implied by the song, the lyrics themselves give a taste.
It all starts innocently enough.
"I went down to the river to watch the fish swim by"
Perfectly natural, and sounds quite pleasant. What could possibly go wrong?
"But I got to the river so lonesome I wanted to die..., oh lord!"
Oh Jesus Christ indeed! How did that happen?
Talk about suffering a depressive episode. What is he, scared of fish? Then why did he go and watch them?
He must have known that would place him in a high-risk situation, in which the chances of suffering an attack of extreme anxiety would be quite heightened.
But it gets worse for our fishophobic depressive narrator.
"And then I jumped in the river, but the doggone river was dry."
When nothing goes right, nothing goes right. Not even suicide attempts to end the pain.
And the cause of all this?
"A man needs a woman that he can lean on"
Indeed, who could disagree? Assuming by woman you mean Johnny Depp.
"But my leanin' post is done left and gone"
Ah.
"Shes long gone, and now I'm lonesome blue"
No doubt.
Not one to be disheartened by a single failed attempt, Hank insists:
"I'm gonna find me a river, one thats cold as ice."
In case you have somehow missed the significance of the search, he adds:
"I'm goin down in it three times, but lord I'm only comin' up twice."
And people say the likes of Morrissey and Leonard Cohen are depressive.
Seriously, Hank Williams makes Ian Curtis and Kurt Cobain look like members of the Wiggles.
Since Hank's premature departure from the world of the living after he passed away in the backseat of a car after a difficult battle with alcohol and drug addiction (if only he gave some hint of that he was in trouble!), he has more or less provide a standardised template for the best of country music.
Pain, pain and more pain.
Mixed with a heavy lashing of heartache.
Nonetheless, no one has ever quite matched the utter despair put to three chords of Hank Williams with about the sole exception of the young and ridiculously angst-ridden Conor Oberst (best known for fronting Bright Eyes).
I give but two examples. "If Winter Ends", which contains the line "And I give myself three days to feel better, or else I swear I am driving off the fucking cliff".
Then there is this little number, entitled "It's Cool That We Can Still Be Friends". (Note, he is employing irony.)
The song does start quite innocently, as he pretends to be okay with the friendship status of the relationship he has with a former lover, only to build into a particularly extreme and disturbing expression of emotional pain.
At the height of this agonising, he sings/screams: "I'm pouring some whiskey, yeah I'm going to get so fucking drunk!"
Whatever the reason, I, of course, can not but approve.
Some fools grimace and label him absurdly self-pitying. I say Hank would be so fucking proud.
Young Conor himself notes the influence, singing in one song about a comment by his muse of sorts: "She said the best country singers die in the back of classic cars."
As to whether Oberst, already building a solid reputation as one fond of often extreme levels of alcohol abuse, intends to follow Williams through to that conclusion remains, at this point, unclear.
Now all of this is well and good, but I did actually have a point to this post. And now, somewhat belatedly, I seek to make it.
And it is simply this.
Country music is renowned for being depressing. However, at times it can be much, much more.
Sometimes, it can be down right frightening.
The song below depicts nothing less than a dystopian nightmare. One that speaks to the very heart of our deepest held fears.
It is one of the very few songs that sends a genuine chill right up my spine.
I am speaking of that truly terrifying horror-story-put-to music by ol' Merle Haggard, entitled "Tonight, The Bottle Let Me Down". (the best version, which for some reason has embedding disabled, can be found here)
"The one true friend I thought I had found ... tonight, the bottle, it let me down."
What a tale of treachery and betrayal. I tell you, if I ever find that bottle...
The song is just so, so goddamn sad.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
Who is Carlo Sands? 25 things you never knew about the man behind the pint
There so many myths out there about the life of Carlo Sands.
His shady past, personal habits, love affairs, these things are speculated wildly about in the tabloids, online chat forums and scientific journals all over the world. Is he Rasputin's love child? Did he really go on a 25-year-long pear cider binge? And, is it true he has dumped Johnny Depp for Lily Allen?
The time has come to separate out fact from fiction. Based on one of those horrible Facebook "list" things that people insist on infecting their friends with, here are "25 things you never knew about the man behind the pint".
Tell your friends.
* * *
1. Carlo Sands is an alcoholic.
2. Carlo Sands likes to refer to himself in the third person. It makes him feel important.
3. Carlo Sands is not on speaking terms with his liver. He suspects the "generation gap" is to blame. His liver will enjoy its 90th birthday next weekend.
4. Carlo Sands was given two phone numbers for AA from a friend just the other day. He appreciates thought, but cannot attend the meetings as, worst luck, they clash with happy hour.
5. Carlo Sands does not have a drinking problem, 'cept when he can't get a drink.
6. He also likes to steal lyrics from Tom Waits and pass them off as his own original thoughts.
7. Carlo Sands believes strongly that work is the curse of the drinking class.
8. He also likes to take epigrams uttered by Oscar Wilde, and claim them as his own.
9. Carlo Sands beer consumption is such that he is the stimulus package. Kevin called him personally to discuss a bail-out of his budget to stave off the total meltdown of the Australian economy. In fact once, when he briefly threatened to stop drinking, the head of the Reserve Bank, the treasury department and a representative of the Chamber of Commerce staged an intervention to convince him the nation needed him at the pub.
10. Carlo Sands goes on regular health kicks, during which he goes out of his way to kick his health as hard as possible.
11. Carlo Sands' idea of looking after his health is to only smoke other people's cigarettes.
12. Carlo Sands' idea of looking after his finances is to only smoke other people's cigarettes.
13. Other people get pissed off when Carlo Sands smokes all their cigarettes.
14. Carlo Sands joined the Facebook group "Who is Carlo Sands?", even though he knows the answer.
15. Carlo Sands was once the subject of intense debate on a North American-based left-wing e-list. This is the highlight of his otherwise quite uneventful life, with the exception of his key role during the French Revolution.
16. Carlo Sands misses the guillotine. He thinks that, in the absence of the guillotine, it is hard to go past the garrotte.
17. Carlo Sands has been informed he is being seriously considered for this year's Nobel Peace Prize.
18. Carlo Sands has his own personal arch enemy, whom he believes to be the "anti-Carlo". His name is Ben Warren, he lives in Canberra and Carlo knows where he works. He runs a blog called "Get fit with Ben!".
19. Carlo Sands has currently two duels to the death on his agenda. The first of these is with a cad who chose aging as his weapon. Carlo looks forward to attending the cad's funeral but worries whether it will be bad taste to wear a triumphant grin. He has a second duel to be carried out after the first has been completed.*
20. Carlo Sands likes duels.
21. Carlo Sands supports the Essendon Football Club, the Mighty Bombers. He finds the question posed by TISM in "Whatareya", of "Who is your favourite genius, James Hird or James Joyce?" strange. It is obviously James Hird.
22. Carlo Sands thinks that Lily Allen was easily "Person of 2008" for her very public champagne swilling drunkeness while hosting an awards ceremony and for telling Elton John to "fuck off" when he made a snide remark about it on stage with her. Unlike Lily, that man has no class.
22. Carlo Sands is engaged to be married to Lily Allen. However, this is top secret. And everyone knows that Lily Allen is good at keeping engagements secret. This is so that Johnny Depp, with whom Carlo Sands has had a complicated, off-and on again long-term relationship with, does not find out.
24. Carlo Sands is plotting to kill you all.
25. Carlo Sands' lawyer has advised him to make no further comment at this time.
* * *
POSTSCRIPT
* It is with a heavy heart I must inform my loyal readers that, since the above quiz was completed, calamity has struck!
YES! Due to an unforeseen circumstance and, frankly (though I do not wish to appear a bad sport), SHOCKING bad luck, I regret to inform my multitude of fans that Carlo Sands lost the duel referred to in this post.
Also, I am dead.
I mean, that should be obvious, logically, as I had already explained it was a duel to the death, but sometimes you need to spell these things out to avoid misunderstandings.
I shall attempt as best I can to explain how this catastrophe occurred. And I assume it will shock few if I point out that, at bottom, this is all Facebook's fault.
Yes, among it's many crimes, including selling users' private information to corporations and censoring supporters of Palestine, Facebook is pretty much responsible for killing Carlo Sands.
But I am getting ahead of myself.
The facts are these. As I was the challenger in the duel, the challengee -- a cad whose murderous name is not even worth mentioning on such a civilised blog -- reserved the right to choose the weapon.
As I explained, the cad chose aging -- claiming he had seen the state of my liver and it was only a matter of time.
But it was not liver failure that did me in. It was a Facebook quiz.
Foolishly, without a thought to the consequences, I took the quiz "When will you die?"
And I received the answer: October 21, 2008.
I took the quiz sometime in 2009 and, as we all know Facebook never lies, the cad promptly declared a victory I had no legal, technical nor moral grounds to deny.
It is always disturbing to discover you have dead for many months. It is much worse when it involves losing a duel to the death to a cad.
I won't deny it was a shock, but I am coping as best I can. Still, if you wish to assist with my grief, you can donate consoling booze via the paypal donate button near the top of the right hand column.
His shady past, personal habits, love affairs, these things are speculated wildly about in the tabloids, online chat forums and scientific journals all over the world. Is he Rasputin's love child? Did he really go on a 25-year-long pear cider binge? And, is it true he has dumped Johnny Depp for Lily Allen?
The time has come to separate out fact from fiction. Based on one of those horrible Facebook "list" things that people insist on infecting their friends with, here are "25 things you never knew about the man behind the pint".
Tell your friends.
* * *
1. Carlo Sands is an alcoholic.
2. Carlo Sands likes to refer to himself in the third person. It makes him feel important.
3. Carlo Sands is not on speaking terms with his liver. He suspects the "generation gap" is to blame. His liver will enjoy its 90th birthday next weekend.
4. Carlo Sands was given two phone numbers for AA from a friend just the other day. He appreciates thought, but cannot attend the meetings as, worst luck, they clash with happy hour.
5. Carlo Sands does not have a drinking problem, 'cept when he can't get a drink.
6. He also likes to steal lyrics from Tom Waits and pass them off as his own original thoughts.
7. Carlo Sands believes strongly that work is the curse of the drinking class.
8. He also likes to take epigrams uttered by Oscar Wilde, and claim them as his own.
9. Carlo Sands beer consumption is such that he is the stimulus package. Kevin called him personally to discuss a bail-out of his budget to stave off the total meltdown of the Australian economy. In fact once, when he briefly threatened to stop drinking, the head of the Reserve Bank, the treasury department and a representative of the Chamber of Commerce staged an intervention to convince him the nation needed him at the pub.
10. Carlo Sands goes on regular health kicks, during which he goes out of his way to kick his health as hard as possible.
11. Carlo Sands' idea of looking after his health is to only smoke other people's cigarettes.
12. Carlo Sands' idea of looking after his finances is to only smoke other people's cigarettes.
13. Other people get pissed off when Carlo Sands smokes all their cigarettes.
14. Carlo Sands joined the Facebook group "Who is Carlo Sands?", even though he knows the answer.
15. Carlo Sands was once the subject of intense debate on a North American-based left-wing e-list. This is the highlight of his otherwise quite uneventful life, with the exception of his key role during the French Revolution.
16. Carlo Sands misses the guillotine. He thinks that, in the absence of the guillotine, it is hard to go past the garrotte.
17. Carlo Sands has been informed he is being seriously considered for this year's Nobel Peace Prize.
18. Carlo Sands has his own personal arch enemy, whom he believes to be the "anti-Carlo". His name is Ben Warren, he lives in Canberra and Carlo knows where he works. He runs a blog called "Get fit with Ben!".
19. Carlo Sands has currently two duels to the death on his agenda. The first of these is with a cad who chose aging as his weapon. Carlo looks forward to attending the cad's funeral but worries whether it will be bad taste to wear a triumphant grin. He has a second duel to be carried out after the first has been completed.*
20. Carlo Sands likes duels.
21. Carlo Sands supports the Essendon Football Club, the Mighty Bombers. He finds the question posed by TISM in "Whatareya", of "Who is your favourite genius, James Hird or James Joyce?" strange. It is obviously James Hird.
22. Carlo Sands thinks that Lily Allen was easily "Person of 2008" for her very public champagne swilling drunkeness while hosting an awards ceremony and for telling Elton John to "fuck off" when he made a snide remark about it on stage with her. Unlike Lily, that man has no class.
22. Carlo Sands is engaged to be married to Lily Allen. However, this is top secret. And everyone knows that Lily Allen is good at keeping engagements secret. This is so that Johnny Depp, with whom Carlo Sands has had a complicated, off-and on again long-term relationship with, does not find out.
24. Carlo Sands is plotting to kill you all.
25. Carlo Sands' lawyer has advised him to make no further comment at this time.
* * *
POSTSCRIPT
* It is with a heavy heart I must inform my loyal readers that, since the above quiz was completed, calamity has struck!
YES! Due to an unforeseen circumstance and, frankly (though I do not wish to appear a bad sport), SHOCKING bad luck, I regret to inform my multitude of fans that Carlo Sands lost the duel referred to in this post.
Also, I am dead.
I mean, that should be obvious, logically, as I had already explained it was a duel to the death, but sometimes you need to spell these things out to avoid misunderstandings.
I shall attempt as best I can to explain how this catastrophe occurred. And I assume it will shock few if I point out that, at bottom, this is all Facebook's fault.
Yes, among it's many crimes, including selling users' private information to corporations and censoring supporters of Palestine, Facebook is pretty much responsible for killing Carlo Sands.
But I am getting ahead of myself.
The facts are these. As I was the challenger in the duel, the challengee -- a cad whose murderous name is not even worth mentioning on such a civilised blog -- reserved the right to choose the weapon.
As I explained, the cad chose aging -- claiming he had seen the state of my liver and it was only a matter of time.
But it was not liver failure that did me in. It was a Facebook quiz.
Foolishly, without a thought to the consequences, I took the quiz "When will you die?"
And I received the answer: October 21, 2008.
I took the quiz sometime in 2009 and, as we all know Facebook never lies, the cad promptly declared a victory I had no legal, technical nor moral grounds to deny.
It is always disturbing to discover you have dead for many months. It is much worse when it involves losing a duel to the death to a cad.
I won't deny it was a shock, but I am coping as best I can. Still, if you wish to assist with my grief, you can donate consoling booze via the paypal donate button near the top of the right hand column.
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